The chart below shows male and female fitness membership between 1970 and 2000 in Someland.

The bar chart presents data about the number of male and female who signs up for fitness participation in Thailand from 1985 to 2015
It is clear that the number for female members increased compared to a decrease in male proportion in the period shown. In 2010, the feature of both genders showed the highest number
It the initial year, the amount of male membership started at about 2200, compared to 1300 of the opposite gender. For the next 5 years, both categories showed a dramatic increase, in details, the male participation was two-fold of the female's, respectively 3800 and 1900. After the next decade, the fitness company displayed a significant drop to 180p in male members, while that of the female increased rapidly to 2800
From 2005 to 2010, either of the two genders proportion rose and reached the peak in 2010, respectively 2950 for ladies and 5000 for gentleman. Finally, the mumber of female who took part in the membership doubled the male

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart presents data about the number of male and female who signs up for fitness participation in Thailand from 1985 to 2015" -> "The bar chart illustrates data on the number of male and female participants in fitness activities in Thailand from 1985 to 2015"
Explanation: The original phrase "who signs up for fitness participation" is awkward and informal. Replacing it with "participants in fitness activities" refines the language and aligns better with academic style.
"It is clear that the number for female members increased compared to a decrease in male proportion in the period shown." -> "It is evident that the number of female participants increased, while the number of male participants decreased, during the depicted period."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects these issues and provides a clearer, more formal expression of the comparison.
"the feature of both genders showed the highest number" -> "the highest number was observed for both genders"
Explanation: "the feature of both genders showed the highest number" is vague and incorrect. "The highest number was observed for both genders" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"It the initial year, the amount of male membership started at about 2200, compared to 1300 of the opposite gender." -> "In the initial year, the number of male members began at approximately 2200, compared to 1300 for female members."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and uses "opposite gender" which is less formal. The revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal terminology.
"For the next 5 years, both categories showed a dramatic increase, in details, the male participation was two-fold of the female’s, respectively 3800 and 1900." -> "Over the subsequent five years, both categories experienced significant increases, with male participation doubling that of female participation, reaching 3800 and 1900, respectively."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased and uses an informal term "two-fold." The revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language.
"After the next decade, the fitness company displayed a significant drop to 180p in male members, while that of the female increased rapidly to 2800" -> "Following the subsequent decade, the number of male members decreased significantly to 1800, whereas female membership increased rapidly to 2800"
Explanation: "the fitness company displayed a significant drop" is unclear and informal. The revision specifies the decrease in members and maintains a formal tone.
"From 2005 to 2010, either of the two genders proportion rose and reached the peak in 2010, respectively 2950 for ladies and 5000 for gentleman." -> "Between 2005 and 2010, the proportion of both genders increased, reaching a peak in 2010, with 2950 for females and 5000 for males."
Explanation: The original sentence uses informal terms "ladies" and "gentleman," and "proportion rose" is vague. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise and formal language.
"the mumber of female who took part in the membership doubled the male" -> "the number of female participants doubled that of males"
Explanation: "the mumber" is a typographical error, and "took part in the membership" is awkward. The correction provides a clear and grammatically correct comparison.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also includes some inaccuracies and irrelevant details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on the key features of the data and avoid irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the data. For example, the essay states that "the number of female members increased compared to a decrease in male proportion in the period shown." However, the data shows that the number of female members increased while the number of male members decreased. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "It the initial year" and "Finally, the mumber of female who took part in the membership doubled the male."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in fitness membership, the structure is somewhat disjointed, with unclear transitions between ideas. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between different data points. Additionally, there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, which detract from the clarity of the information presented. Paragraphing is attempted but not effectively executed, as the ideas do not flow logically from one to the next.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clear topic sentences for each paragraph that summarize the main idea. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help in linking ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph logically progresses from one to the next will improve overall clarity. Reviewing sentence structure for clarity and avoiding repetition will also contribute to a more coherent essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the chart, there are noticeable errors in word choice (e.g., "who signs up for fitness participation" should be "who signed up for fitness membership") and inaccuracies in spelling (e.g., "mumber" instead of "number"). Additionally, the use of phrases such as "the feature of both genders showed the highest number" is awkward and does not convey precise meaning. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader, impacting overall clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise terms related to the topic. Practicing the correct spelling of commonly used words and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context will also help. Additionally, varying sentence structures and avoiding repetitive phrases can improve the overall fluency and flexibility of vocabulary use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they are often inaccurate or poorly constructed, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the feature of both genders showed the highest number" and "the fitness company displayed a significant drop to 180p" contain inaccuracies that hinder clarity. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas and incorrect use of articles, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, while the essay conveys the main ideas, the grammatical errors and limited range of structures prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Practicing the correct use of articles, prepositions, and punctuation will also help reduce errors. Additionally, reviewing grammar rules and seeking feedback on sentence construction can improve overall clarity and coherence in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart presents data about the number of males and females who signed up for fitness participation in Thailand from 1985 to 2015. It is clear that the number of female members increased compared to a decrease in the male proportion during the period shown. In 2010, the figures for both genders reached their highest numbers.

In the initial year, the number of male members started at about 2,200, compared to 1,300 for the opposite gender. For the next five years, both categories showed a dramatic increase; specifically, male participation was double that of females, with figures of 3,800 and 1,900, respectively. After the next decade, the fitness company displayed a significant drop to 180 in male members, while the number of females increased rapidly to 2,800.

From 2005 to 2010, the proportion of both genders rose and reached a peak in 2010, with figures of 2,950 for females and 5,000 for males. Finally, the number of females who participated in the membership doubled that of males.