fbpx

the chart below shows the amount of beer sales in Saigon between 1970 and 2010

the chart below shows the amount of beer sales in Saigon between 1970 and 2010

The chart illustrates how much beer was sold in Saigon from 1970 to 2010. The figures are provided in millions of cases
Generally, while there was an increase in Tiger and Heineken, 333 experienced a decline throughout the timeframe. Furthermore, 333 was the highest initially and the lowest at the end.
According to the statistics, Tiger rose considerably at around 30 million cases in the middle of the period. Subsequently, it remained stable, next decreased gradually between 2000 and 2010. In contrast, the figure for Heineken beer cases sold witnessed a drop in the first 10 years from 55 to over 20 million. Then, it grew sharply to approximately 70 million cases during three decades.
Turning to 333, despite standing at the highest point, it continuously lessened in amount during 30 years starting from 1970. After that, there was a moderate growth in 333' cases more than 15 million between 2000 and 2010, but it still had the lowest sales at the end of the timeline.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "how much beer was sold" -> "the volume of beer sold"
    Explanation: "How much" is informal and vague; "the volume" is more precise and aligns with academic language.

  2. "the figures are provided in millions of cases" -> "the data are presented in millions of cases"
    Explanation: "Figures" can be too informal; "data" is more appropriate in an academic context, and "presented" is a more formal verb than "provided."

  3. "while there was an increase in Tiger and Heineken" -> "while there was an increase in sales of Tiger and Heineken"
    Explanation: Adding "sales of" clarifies what is increasing, improving specificity.

  4. "333 experienced a decline throughout the timeframe" -> "333 experienced a decline over the period"
    Explanation: "Throughout the timeframe" is a bit awkward; "over the period" is more concise and formal.

  5. "the highest initially and the lowest at the end" -> "the highest initially and the lowest by the end"
    Explanation: "At the end" can be vague; "by the end" indicates a clearer temporal progression.

  6. "rose considerably at around 30 million cases" -> "increased significantly to approximately 30 million cases"
    Explanation: "Increased significantly" is more formal than "rose considerably," and "to approximately" is more precise than "at around."

  7. "remained stable, next decreased gradually" -> "remained stable, then decreased gradually"
    Explanation: "Next" is informal; "then" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  8. "the figure for Heineken beer cases sold witnessed a drop" -> "the sales figures for Heineken beer experienced a decline"
    Explanation: "Sales figures" is more specific than "the figure for," and "experienced a decline" is more formal than "witnessed a drop."

  9. "grew sharply to approximately 70 million cases during three decades" -> "increased sharply to approximately 70 million cases over three decades"
    Explanation: "Increased" is more formal than "grew," and "over" is a more precise preposition than "during" in this context.

  10. "despite standing at the highest point" -> "despite initially being at the highest level"
    Explanation: "Initially being at the highest level" clarifies the temporal aspect and uses more formal language.

  11. "continuously lessened in amount" -> "consistently decreased in volume"
    Explanation: "Consistently decreased" is more precise and formal than "continuously lessened," and "volume" is a more appropriate term than "amount."

  12. "there was a moderate growth in 333′ cases more than 15 million" -> "there was moderate growth in sales of 333, exceeding 15 million"
    Explanation: "Sales of 333" clarifies what is growing, and "exceeding" is more formal than "more than."

  13. "but it still had the lowest sales at the end of the timeline" -> "but it still recorded the lowest sales by the end of the period"
    Explanation: "Recorded" is a more formal verb than "had," and "by the end of the period" is clearer than "at the end of the timeline."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that Tiger beer sales "remained stable" after 1980, but the chart shows that sales actually decreased.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the trends in beer sales. The writer should also avoid making generalizations about the data, such as stating that Tiger beer sales "remained stable" after 1980. Instead, the writer should focus on providing specific details about the changes in sales over time.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in reading. For example, phrases like "in contrast" and "turning to" are used, but their application feels formulaic rather than natural. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between different beer brands could be smoother to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the fluidity of transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This can be done by varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically into the next. Additionally, providing more detailed comparisons and contrasts between the different brands could strengthen the overall coherence of the essay. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences within the paragraph contribute to that topic will improve clarity and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it communicates the essential information regarding beer sales in Saigon, the lexical choices are basic and repetitive, particularly with the term "333," which is used without clear context or variation. There are noticeable errors in word formation and phrasing, such as "333′ cases" and "the highest initially and the lowest at the end," which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Overall, the vocabulary used does not effectively convey precise meanings or showcase a variety of lexical items.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more specific terms related to sales and trends. Utilizing synonyms for repeated words and phrases, as well as improving the accuracy of word formation, would significantly help. Additionally, employing more complex sentence structures and uncommon lexical items could demonstrate a higher level of lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complexity, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. Errors in grammar and punctuation occur, such as the use of "333" without clarification, which could confuse the reader. Additionally, phrases like "there was an increase in Tiger and Heineken" could be more clearly articulated. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures. This can be accomplished by ensuring that all references (like "333") are clearly defined, using more varied sentence types, and minimizing grammatical errors. Practicing complex sentence constructions and proofreading for punctuation errors will also help improve clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the amount of beer sold in Saigon from 1970 to 2010, with figures presented in millions of cases.

Overall, while there was an increase in sales for Tiger and Heineken, the brand 333 experienced a decline throughout the timeframe. Notably, 333 had the highest sales initially but ended with the lowest figures.

According to the statistics, Tiger beer sales rose considerably to around 30 million cases in the middle of the period. Subsequently, it remained stable before gradually decreasing between 2000 and 2010. In contrast, the sales figures for Heineken beer witnessed a drop in the first decade, falling from 55 million to just over 20 million cases. However, it then grew sharply to approximately 70 million cases over the next three decades.

Turning to 333, despite starting at the highest point, its sales continuously declined over the 30 years from 1970. Afterward, there was moderate growth in 333’s sales, increasing by more than 15 million cases between 2000 and 2010, yet it still recorded the lowest sales by the end of the timeline.

Bài viết liên quan

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này