The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales (in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 and 2011
The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales (in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 and 2011
The bar chart indicates the annual number for film rentals and sales in a variety of formats from a specific store over the 10-year period ,spanning from 2002 to 2011.
Overall, what stands out from the graph is that while the annual number of rentals decreased significantly over the period, the opposite was true for DVD sales. Additionally, although the trend of VHS sales ceased in 2006, it gave rise to the new format, Blu-ray.
Starting from around 180,000 sales at the beginning, the number for rentals dropped gradually over the decade,reaching just over 50,000 in 2011. DVD sales, however, experienced a sharp growth from roughly 80,000 in 2002 to a peak of over 200,000 in 2007.
A slight decline was then witnessed over the remaining years,becoming the largest figure with around 180,000 sales
VSH sales were the second most popular in the first year of the period, which was over 80,000. However, the annual sales then marginally dropped to one-fifth of the initial sales, and this format phased out in 2006. In contrast, Blu-ray sales, a new format introduced in 2007, started with only 1,000 sales but gradually increased over time, reaching over 10,000 sales at the end.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"the annual number for film rentals and sales" -> "the annual figures for film rentals and sales"
Explanation: "Figures" is more precise and formal than "number," which is vague and less commonly used in academic writing. -
"a variety of formats" -> "various formats"
Explanation: "Various" is more concise and academically appropriate than "a variety of," which can sound slightly informal. -
"spanning from 2002 to 2011" -> "covering the period from 2002 to 2011"
Explanation: "Covering the period" is a more formal expression than "spanning," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"what stands out from the graph is" -> "it is evident from the graph that"
Explanation: "It is evident from the graph that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a conclusion based on data. -
"the opposite was true for DVD sales" -> "the trend for DVD sales was the opposite"
Explanation: "The trend for DVD sales was the opposite" is more direct and formal, avoiding the passive voice and enhancing clarity. -
"gave rise to the new format, Blu-ray" -> "gave rise to the Blu-ray format"
Explanation: Removing "the new" avoids redundancy and maintains a formal tone. -
"Starting from around 180,000 sales at the beginning" -> "Beginning at around 180,000 sales"
Explanation: "Beginning at" is more direct and formal than "Starting from," which can sound slightly informal. -
"dropped gradually over the decade,reaching just over 50,000 in 2011" -> "declined steadily over the decade, reaching approximately 50,000 in 2011"
Explanation: "Declined steadily" is more precise and formal than "dropped gradually," and "approximately" is preferred over "just over" for academic writing. -
"experienced a sharp growth" -> "experienced significant growth"
Explanation: "Significant" is more precise and formal than "sharp," which can be vague. -
"A slight decline was then witnessed over the remaining years,becoming the largest figure with around 180,000 sales" -> "A slight decline was then observed over the remaining years, resulting in the largest figure of around 180,000 sales"
Explanation: "Observed" is more formal than "witnessed," and "resulting in" clarifies the causal relationship more effectively than "becoming." -
"VSH sales" -> "VHS sales"
Explanation: Corrects the typo from "VSH" to "VHS." -
"the second most popular in the first year of the period" -> "the second most popular in the initial year of the period"
Explanation: "Initial" is more formal and precise than "first." -
"marginally dropped to one-fifth of the initial sales" -> "declined significantly to one-fifth of the initial sales"
Explanation: "Declined significantly" is more precise and formal than "marginally dropped," which is vague and informal. -
"phased out in 2006" -> "became obsolete in 2006"
Explanation: "Became obsolete" is a more specific and formal way to describe the end of a product’s use, compared to "phased out." -
"started with only 1,000 sales" -> "initiated with approximately 1,000 sales"
Explanation: "Initiated" is more formal than "started," and "approximately" is preferred over "only" for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not adequately highlight the key features of the chart, such as the peak in DVD sales in 2007 and the decline in VHS sales. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the specific number of sales in 2002 for VHS.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the chart and by highlighting the key features of the chart. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.5
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization of information with a clear progression throughout. It effectively introduces the main trends observed in the chart and maintains a logical flow when discussing each format’s sales and rentals over the years. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("Overall", "Additionally", "Starting from", "In contrast"), although there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences could be more polished. Paragraphing is mostly logical, but there are a few instances where the flow could be improved by clearer separation of ideas.
How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion to reach a higher band score:
- Ensure all sentences within paragraphs contribute directly to the topic sentence of each paragraph.
- Use a wider variety of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay.
- Pay attention to paragraph structure, ensuring each paragraph focuses clearly on one main idea or trend from the chart.
- Work on smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering basic terminology related to film formats and sales trends. There is an attempt to vary vocabulary with terms like "rentals," "sales," "DVD," "VHS," and "Blu-ray." However, some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are noticeable, such as "the trend of VHS sales ceased" (should be "the trend in VHS sales ceased" or "VHS sales ceased"). Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling, such as "VSH" instead of "VHS."
The essay provides a clear overview of the data but lacks more sophisticated and precise lexical features expected in higher bands. The errors in word choice and some inaccuracies slightly affect the clarity and precision of expression.
How to improve:
To improve, focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary related to data analysis and trends. Pay attention to correct spelling and word forms. For instance, instead of "VSH," correctly use "VHS." Ensure that all terms are accurately used in context to enhance clarity and coherence in expressing ideas related to the data presented.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, covering a range of tenses and structures such as past simple, past continuous, and present perfect. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, but they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, there are minor issues with subject-verb agreement ("number for rentals dropped gradually"), punctuation (missing commas in some places), and awkward phrasing ("over the decade,reaching just over 50,000"). However, these errors do not distort the overall meaning of the text.
How to improve:
To improve the score to a Band 7, focus on increasing the variety and accuracy of sentence structures. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement consistently, ensure proper use of commas and other punctuation marks, and refine sentence constructions for clarity and coherence. Additionally, aim to reduce minor errors in grammar and punctuation to further enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart illustrates the annual number of film rentals and sales in various formats from a specific store spanning the decade from 2002 to 2011.
Overall, the chart reveals a significant decline in annual film rentals over the period, whereas DVD sales saw a notable increase. Additionally, VHS sales, which started as the second most popular format, declined sharply after 2002 and ceased altogether by 2006, making way for the emergence of Blu-ray sales in 2007.
Film rentals began the period at approximately 180,000 and gradually decreased to just over 50,000 by 2011. In contrast, DVD sales started around 80,000 in 2002, peaked at over 200,000 in 2007, and then slightly declined to around 180,000 by the end of the period.
VHS sales began with over 80,000 units in 2002 but dropped significantly over subsequent years, becoming negligible by 2006. Conversely, Blu-ray, introduced in 2007 with minimal sales of around 1,000, showed steady growth, reaching over 10,000 units by the end of the period.
Overall, the data highlights a clear shift in consumer preferences towards newer formats such as DVDs and Blu-ray, accompanied by a decline in older formats like VHS and traditional film rentals.
Phản hồi