The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.

The bar chart gives information about the number of expenditure of two countries, including France and the UK on consumer goods in 2010.

Overall, it is clear that while the highest figures can be seen in Cars, the lowest figures can be recorded in Perfume. In addition, the biggest contrast can be seen in the figures of Cameras.

In terms of the figure for Cars, the number of British expenditure was 450,000 pounds, which was higher than that of France, at 400,000 pounds. As for Books, the amount of British money for buying this was 400,000 pounds, which was higher than that of France, at 300,000 pounds. As for Cameras, the expenditure of the UK was approximately 360,000 pounds, which was twice as much as that of France.

As for Computers, the figure of French expenditure was around 380,000 pounds, which was higher than that of the UK, at about 350,000 pounds. In terms of the figure for Perfume, the figure in France was 200,000 pounds, which was higher than that of the UK, at around 140,000 pounds.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the number of expenditure" -> "the amount of expenditure"
Explanation: The term "number" typically refers to countable items, while "amount" is more suitable for uncountable concepts like expenditure.
"the number of British expenditure" -> "the British expenditure"
Explanation: The word "number" is unnecessary when referring to expenditure, as it is not countable. Using just "the British expenditure" is more concise and accurate.
"in terms of the figure for Cars" -> "with respect to car expenditure"
Explanation: The phrase "in terms of" can be overly vague or wordy. Replacing it with "with respect to" or "regarding" makes the expression clearer and more direct.
"As for Books" -> "Regarding books"
Explanation: The phrase "As for" can be replaced with "Regarding" for a more formal and structured approach in describing expenditure.
"the amount of British money for buying this" -> "the British expenditure on books"
Explanation: The phrase "amount of British money for buying this" is wordy and less formal. Using "expenditure on books" is more concise and refined.
"which was higher than that of the UK" -> "which exceeded that of the UK"
Explanation: The word "higher" is acceptable, but "exceeded" is a more advanced term that conveys the same meaning in a more formal manner.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by presenting an overview of the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010. It adequately highlights key features such as the differences in expenditure between the countries and the varying amounts spent on different items. However, the details provided could be more relevant and accurate, and the presentation lacks depth in analysis.
How to improve: To improve, provide more accurate and relevant data, ensure a clearer structure with more detailed analysis of the trends observed in the chart, and avoid repetition of information already stated. Additionally, strive for a more cohesive and fluent expression of ideas.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents some organization by introducing key points about the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010. However, there is a lack of overall progression as the essay jumps between different categories without a clear structure. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with repetitive language and a lack of variety. The paragraphs are present but not logically organized, making the flow of ideas somewhat disjointed.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider restructuring the essay to follow a clear progression of ideas, perhaps organizing it by category or by comparing and contrasting the expenditures of each country. Ensure the use of a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly and reduce repetition. Additionally, refine paragraphing to provide a logical flow between paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the comparison.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a minimally adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering basic concepts related to expenditure on consumer goods. Some variety is attempted with words like "expenditure" and "figures," but the vocabulary lacks sophistication and diversity. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of expenditure" and "the number of British expenditure," which affect the clarity and precision of expression. Additionally, some inaccuracies in word formation are present, like "the number of British money," which could be improved.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, strive for a wider range of vocabulary, including more varied and precise terms. Focus on using vocabulary relevant to the topic with appropriate word choice and collocation. Pay attention to word formation to ensure accuracy and clarity in expression. Proofreading for errors in word usage and formation will help improve overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex forms. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, although some of these could be more accurately constructed. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to effective communication. The essay showcases control over grammar and punctuation, with occasional errors that do not significantly impede understanding.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, strive for more diverse sentence structures, incorporating a wider range of complex sentences. Pay attention to sentence clarity and accuracy when attempting complex structures, ensuring they convey the intended meaning accurately. Proofreading for minor errors in grammar and punctuation can help maintain consistency and clarity throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the expenditure of two countries, France and the UK, on consumer goods in the year 2010.

Overall, it is evident that the highest expenditures were in Cars, while the lowest were in Perfume. Additionally, there is a notable contrast in the expenditures on Cameras.

Looking specifically at Cars, British expenditure was £450,000, surpassing France’s expenditure of £400,000. For Books, the UK spent £400,000, compared to France’s £300,000. Cameras saw a significant difference, with the UK spending approximately £360,000, which was twice as much as France’s expenditure.

On the other hand, French expenditure on Computers was approximately £380,000, slightly higher than the UK’s expenditure of around £350,000. In terms of Perfume, France spent £200,000, which was considerably more than the UK’s expenditure of around £140,000.

Overall, the data shows varying expenditure patterns between the two countries across different consumer goods categories in 2010.