The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time
The chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time
The bar chart provides information about the numbers of males and females who pursued further education in the UK by either entering a part-time or a full-time program in three different periods from 1970-1971 to 1990/1991.
Overall, the number of men and women choosing a full-time program had increased. Regarding part-time educational programs, the number of male learners had plunged, while the reverse had been true for the figure for their counterparts.
One of the most important features in the chart is that the number of males choosing a part-time program was initially higher, while in the latter period, there were more women entering this type of further education. In 1970/71, around 1 million males chose a part-time education versus only around 800.000 women who had the same preference. However, in 1990/1991, the number of male learners decreased to about 900000, while a whopping 1.1 million females entered these programs.
While the numbers of males and females entering a full-time program for their further education had increased, the figure for women had surged at a much faster rate. In 1970/71, the numbers of males and females following this educational path were around 100.000 and 50.000, respectively. Due to the massive increases regarding the number of females with this educational option, the figures for both groups reached a similar level of around 200.000 in 1990/91.
Despite these drastic changes, part-time education had remained the overwhelmingly popular option when it comes to pursuing further education in the UK.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the numbers of males and females who pursued further education" -> "the number of male and female students pursuing further education"
Explanation: "Numbers" should be singular to match "the number," and "students" is more precise than "males and females," which can sound overly informal. "Pursuing" is more active and direct than "who pursued." -
"had plunged" -> "decreased significantly"
Explanation: "Plunged" is informal and carries a dramatic connotation. "Decreased significantly" maintains a formal tone and conveys the magnitude of change more appropriately. -
"the reverse had been true for the figure for their counterparts" -> "the opposite was true for female students"
Explanation: "The reverse had been true" is vague and convoluted. "The opposite was true" is clearer and more direct, while specifying "female students" improves clarity. -
"one of the most important features in the chart" -> "a notable feature of the chart"
Explanation: "One of the most important" is subjective and informal. "A notable feature" is more concise and maintains an academic tone. -
"the number of males choosing a part-time program was initially higher" -> "the number of male students initially favored part-time programs"
Explanation: "Choosing" is less formal than "favored," which also conveys preference more clearly. "Male students" is more precise than "males." -
"around 800.000 women who had the same preference" -> "approximately 800,000 female students with similar preferences"
Explanation: "Around" is less formal than "approximately," and "800.000" should be formatted as "800,000" for clarity. "Female students with similar preferences" is more precise and formal. -
"a whopping 1.1 million females entered these programs" -> "approximately 1.1 million female students enrolled in these programs"
Explanation: "A whopping" is informal and overly dramatic. "Approximately" maintains a formal tone, and "enrolled" is more precise than "entered." -
"the figure for women had surged at a much faster rate" -> "the figure for female students increased at a significantly faster rate"
Explanation: "Surged" is informal and can imply an exaggerated change. "Increased" is a more neutral term, and "significantly faster rate" maintains academic precision. -
"the numbers of males and females following this educational path" -> "the number of male and female students pursuing this educational path"
Explanation: "Numbers" should be singular to match "the number," and "pursuing" is more active and formal than "following." -
"around 100.000 and 50.000, respectively" -> "approximately 100,000 and 50,000, respectively"
Explanation: "Around" is less formal than "approximately," and the formatting should be corrected to "100,000" for clarity. -
"the massive increases regarding the number of females with this educational option" -> "the substantial increases in the number of female students pursuing this educational option"
Explanation: "Massive" is informal and subjective; "substantial" is more appropriate in an academic context. "Increases in" is clearer than "regarding." -
"the figures for both groups reached a similar level of around 200.000" -> "the figures for both groups reached a comparable level of approximately 200,000"
Explanation: "Comparable" is more precise than "similar," and "approximately" is more formal than "around." The formatting should also be corrected to "200,000." -
"part-time education had remained the overwhelmingly popular option when it comes to pursuing further education in the UK" -> "part-time education remained the predominant option for pursuing further education in the UK"
Explanation: "Overwhelmingly popular" is informal; "predominant" is more precise and academic. "When it comes to" is conversational; "for" is more direct.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the number of males choosing a part-time program was initially higher, while in the latter period, there were more women entering this type of further education." This is a general statement that is not supported by specific data. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "part-time education had remained the overwhelmingly popular option when it comes to pursuing further education in the UK." This statement is not relevant to the task, which is to describe the trends in the chart.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the general statements. For example, the essay could state that "the number of males choosing a part-time program decreased from around 1 million in 1970/71 to around 900,000 in 1990/91, while the number of females choosing a part-time program increased from around 800,000 to around 1.1 million." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the statement that "part-time education had remained the overwhelmingly popular option when it comes to pursuing further education in the UK" could be removed.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the data, and there is a clear central topic within each paragraph. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, although there are instances of slight under-use, particularly in transitions between ideas. Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, but it could benefit from more varied and sophisticated linking phrases to enhance the flow.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that paragraphing is not only clear but also strategically enhances the argument will improve overall coherence. More explicit referencing and substitution could also reduce repetition and enhance clarity.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying information about the data presented in the chart. The use of terms such as "plunged," "surged," and "whopping" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the figure for their counterparts," which could be clearer. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "800.000" instead of "800,000" and "100.000" instead of "100,000," which detract slightly from the overall effectiveness of the communication.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further and ensuring the accuracy of word choice and collocation. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and numerical formatting will help enhance clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures could also improve the overall lexical resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and generally maintains good control of grammar and punctuation. There are frequent error-free sentences, but a few grammatical inaccuracies are present, such as "around 800.000" (should be "800,000") and "900000" (should be "900,000"). These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do indicate a need for greater accuracy in punctuation and number formatting. Overall, the essay effectively communicates the information from the chart while showcasing a good range of grammatical structures.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy, particularly in punctuation and number formatting. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free would strengthen the overall grammatical range and accuracy. Regular practice with complex sentence forms and careful proofreading can help minimize errors and improve clarity.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart provides information about the numbers of males and females who pursued further education in the UK by either entering a part-time or a full-time program over three different periods from 1970-1971 to 1990-1991.
Overall, the number of men and women opting for full-time programs increased. In contrast, the number of male learners in part-time educational programs declined, while the opposite trend was observed for their female counterparts.
One of the most significant features of the chart is that the number of males choosing part-time programs was initially higher, whereas, in the latter period, more women entered this type of further education. In 1970/71, approximately 1 million males opted for part-time education compared to around 800,000 females who shared the same preference. However, by 1990/1991, the number of male learners decreased to about 900,000, while a substantial 1.1 million females enrolled in these programs.
Although the numbers of males and females entering full-time programs for further education increased, the figure for women surged at a much faster rate. In 1970/71, the numbers of males and females pursuing this educational path were around 100,000 and 50,000, respectively. Due to the significant increases in the number of females choosing this educational option, the figures for both groups reached a comparable level of around 200,000 in 1990/91.
Despite these drastic changes, part-time education remained the overwhelmingly popular choice for pursuing further education in the UK.
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