The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The provided bar graph displays the number of workers in a particular Australian region in the years 2001 and 2008 in the fields of sales, computers, accounting, nursing, and farming.

In both years, the farming industry employed the fewest individuals, whereas the sales sector employed the majority of people overall. Moreover, there was minimal variation in employment data across different industries over the course of the two years.

About 150,00 people were employed in the sales sector in 2001. Following that, there was a little growth in sales employment over the following seven years, with 20,000 more people working in sales. Personnel in the computer and nursing industries experienced comparable but smaller growth over the tenure period offered, going from 50,000 in the former to 70.000 in the former and 60.000 in the latter.

A casual look at the remaining data indicates a decline in personnel over time in the farming and accountancy industries. Slightly under 30,000 persons were worked in the accounting industry in 2001; the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields. Seven years later, the accounting industry's numbers didn't alter, but in 2008, employment in the farming sector declined even worse.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided bar graph displays" -> "The bar graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate verb than "displays" in the context of presenting data, aligning better with formal academic language.
"in the years 2001 and 2008" -> "in 2001 and 2008"
Explanation: Removing "the years" simplifies the phrase without losing meaning, making it more concise and suitable for formal writing.
"the farming industry employed the fewest individuals" -> "the farming sector employed the smallest number of individuals"
Explanation: "Sector" is more specific than "industry" in this context, and "smallest number of individuals" is more precise than "fewest individuals," which can be vague.
"the sales sector employed the majority of people overall" -> "the sales sector employed the largest proportion of individuals"
Explanation: "Largest proportion" is more precise and formal than "majority," which can be subjective and vague.
"there was minimal variation" -> "there was little variation"
Explanation: "Little" is a more commonly used academic term than "minimal," which can sound overly formal or unnatural in this context.
"a little growth" -> "a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Moderate increase" is more specific and formal than "a little growth," which is somewhat colloquial.
"going from 50,000 in the former to 70.000 in the former and 60.000 in the latter" -> "increasing from 50,000 to 70,000 in the computer sector and 60,000 in the nursing sector"
Explanation: Clarifies the numbers and sectors, avoiding confusion and improving readability.
"A casual look at the remaining data" -> "An examination of the remaining data"
Explanation: "An examination" is more formal and precise than "a casual look," which is too informal for academic writing.
"the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields" -> "the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural sectors"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "sectors" instead of "fields," aligning with the earlier usage.
"the accounting industry’s numbers didn’t alter" -> "the number of employees in the accounting sector remained unchanged"
Explanation: "The number of employees in the accounting sector remained unchanged" is more specific and formal, avoiding the casual tone of "didn’t alter."
"employment in the farming sector declined even worse" -> "employment in the farming sector decreased further"
Explanation: "Decreased further" is a more precise and formal way to express continued decline, avoiding the informal "even worse."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "there was minimal variation in employment data across different industries over the course of the two years," but it does not provide any specific examples to support this claim. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that "the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields" when referring to the accounting industry.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the overview of the main trends. The essay could also be improved by checking the accuracy of the information presented. For example, the essay could be improved by stating that the number of people employed in the accounting industry in 2001 was slightly under 30,000, and that the number of people employed in the farming industry in 2008 was slightly under 20,000.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, the phrase "Following that, there was a little growth in sales employment over the following seven years" could be more fluidly connected to the previous sentence. Additionally, the use of "A casual look at the remaining data" feels somewhat informal and disrupts the flow. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as the final paragraph mixes details about both the accounting and farming industries without a clear separation of ideas.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. For example, instead of "Following that," consider "Subsequently," or "In the subsequent years."
Improve Paragraph Structure: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas within paragraphs are logically grouped. For instance, separate the discussion of the accounting and farming industries into distinct paragraphs for clarity.
Consistent Referencing: Use referencing more clearly and appropriately to avoid any ambiguity. For example, "the former" and "the latter" should be used consistently to refer back to previously mentioned subjects without causing confusion.
Formal Tone: Maintain a formal tone throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion. Avoid informal phrases like "A casual look" and instead use more formal language such as "An examination of the remaining data."

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, allowing for basic communication of ideas. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields," which could be misleading given the context. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "150,00" instead of "150,000" and "70.000" instead of "70,000," which detract from the overall clarity but do not completely impede communication. The attempt to use less common vocabulary is evident, but the inaccuracies limit the effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision. This includes ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context and avoiding errors in spelling and word formation. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items accurately can also help. Additionally, reviewing collocations and common phrases related to employment statistics could improve the fluency and flexibility of vocabulary use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While it effectively communicates the main trends in the data, there are several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields" could be misleading due to the lack of clear context. Additionally, there are some inaccuracies in numerical representation (e.g., "70.000" should be "70,000"). Overall, the essay maintains a reasonable level of communication, but the errors present are noticeable.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes to ensure clarity and correctness.
Clarify Context: Ensure that all statements are clear and unambiguous, especially when referring to data or comparisons.
Practice: Regular practice with feedback can help in mastering complex structures and reducing errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar graph displays the number of workers in a particular Australian region in the years 2001 and 2008 across five fields: sales, computers, accounting, nursing, and farming.

About 150,000 people were employed in the sales sector in 2001. Following that, there was a slight growth in sales employment over the next seven years, with 20,000 more people working in sales. Employment in the computer and nursing industries experienced comparable but smaller growth during the period, increasing from 50,000 to 70,000 in the former and from 60,000 in the latter.

A casual look at the remaining data indicates a decline in personnel over time in the farming and accounting industries. Slightly under 30,000 people were employed in the accounting industry in 2001; the majority of these individuals were employed in agricultural fields. Seven years later, the accounting industry’s numbers remained unchanged, but in 2008, employment in the farming sector declined even further.