The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008

The bar chart depicts the extent of employees in five distinct categories of work on one region of Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, it can be seen that while the number of people working in computing, sales and nursing exhibited an upward trend, the figure for accounting and farming showed a downward trend. Furthermore, sales witnessed a peak throughout the period, whereas there was a decline in farming.
In 2001, over 150,000 people worked as salespeople, more than double the figure for accounting, computing, and nursing, at approximately 60,000 each. Meanwhile, only 30,000 people worked in farming industries.
Afterwards, the number of salespeople increased modestly to just over 160,000, maintaining its position as the most popular occupation. This was followed by computing and nursing, which saw a rise to just under 80,000 and 60,000 employees, respectively. Conversely, the data for accounting dropped slightly to under 60,000 people, roughly three times higher than that data of farming, at precisely 20,000 farmers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart depicts" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "depicts" in academic writing, enhancing the accuracy and sophistication of the description.
"employees in five distinct categories of work" -> "employees across five distinct occupational categories"
Explanation: "Occupational categories" is a more specific and formal term than "categories of work," which is vague and less precise.
"between 2001 and 2008" -> "from 2001 to 2008"
Explanation: "From" is more commonly used in academic texts to denote a range of time, making the sentence structure more typical of formal writing.
"the number of people working in computing, sales and nursing" -> "the number of individuals employed in computing, sales, and nursing"
Explanation: "Individuals employed" is a more formal and precise way to refer to people in a professional context, enhancing the academic tone.
"exhibited an upward trend" -> "displayed an upward trend"
Explanation: "Displayed" is a more formal synonym for "exhibited," aligning better with academic style.
"the figure for accounting and farming showed a downward trend" -> "the numbers for accounting and farming declined"
Explanation: "Declined" is a more direct and formal term than "showed a downward trend," which is somewhat redundant.
"sales witnessed a peak throughout the period" -> "sales reached a peak during the period"
Explanation: "Reached a peak" is a more precise and commonly used phrase in academic writing than "witnessed a peak," which is less formal.
"there was a decline in farming" -> "farming experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is more formal and direct, fitting the academic style better than the passive "there was a decline."
"more than double the figure for accounting, computing, and nursing" -> "more than twice the number of employees in accounting, computing, and nursing"
Explanation: "More than twice the number of employees" is a clearer and more precise way to describe the comparative increase, providing a quantitative context.
"Meanwhile, only 30,000 people worked in farming industries" -> "Meanwhile, the number of individuals employed in farming industries was approximately 30,000"
Explanation: "The number of individuals employed" is a more formal and precise way to describe the employment figures, and specifying "approximately" adds a necessary level of precision.
"Afterwards, the number of salespeople increased modestly" -> "Subsequently, the number of salespeople increased slightly"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal transitional word than "Afterwards," and "slightly" is a more academic term than "modestly."
"This was followed by computing and nursing, which saw a rise to just under 80,000 and 60,000 employees, respectively" -> "This was followed by computing and nursing, which experienced a rise to approximately 80,000 and 60,000 employees, respectively"
Explanation: "Experienced a rise" is more formal than "saw a rise," and specifying "approximately" enhances the precision of the figures.
"the data for accounting dropped slightly" -> "the number of employees in accounting decreased slightly"
Explanation: "The number of employees in accounting" is more specific and formal than "the data for accounting," which is vague and less precise.
"roughly three times higher than that data of farming" -> "approximately three times the number of farmers"
Explanation: "Approximately three times the number of farmers" is more precise and grammatically correct than "roughly three times that data of farming," which is awkward and unclear.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the number of salespeople increased modestly to just over 160,000, but the chart shows that the number increased to just under 160,000. The essay also states that the number of farmers dropped to precisely 20,000, but the chart shows that the number dropped to just under 20,000.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details about the data. The writer should also avoid making generalizations about the data, such as stating that sales witnessed a peak throughout the period. Instead, the writer should focus on providing specific information about the changes in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating a clear progression throughout the response. The central topics are presented clearly within each paragraph, particularly in the overview and the detailed descriptions of employment figures. However, while a range of cohesive devices is used, there are instances of slight under-use, particularly in linking ideas between sentences. The paragraphing is generally appropriate, but there could be more clarity in transitions between different sections of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer could focus on improving the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas and sentences. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next with clear linking phrases would strengthen coherence. More varied vocabulary and sentence structures could also contribute to a more engaging and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, effectively conveying the main trends and comparisons in the data presented. However, the use of less common vocabulary is limited, and there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the extent of employees" which could be more precisely phrased as "the number of employees." Additionally, there are some errors in word formation, such as "the data of farming," which should be "the data on farming." While these errors do not impede communication, they indicate a need for improvement in lexical precision.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items, while ensuring accurate word choice and collocation. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help to improve the overall sophistication of the language used. Furthermore, careful proofreading to eliminate minor spelling and word formation errors would contribute positively to the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that detracts from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the data for accounting dropped slightly to under 60,000 people, roughly three times higher than that data of farming" could be clearer. Additionally, while the majority of sentences convey the intended meaning, the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation occasionally disrupts communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and increasing the range of complex sentence structures. This can be accomplished by proofreading for grammatical errors, ensuring that punctuation is used correctly, and practicing the construction of more sophisticated sentence forms. Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and incorporating more complex clauses could improve the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart depicts the extent of employees in five distinct categories of work in one region of Australia between 2001 and 2008. Overall, it can be observed that while the number of people working in computing, sales, and nursing exhibited an upward trend, the figures for accounting and farming showed a downward trend. Furthermore, sales witnessed a peak throughout the period, whereas there was a decline in farming.

In 2001, over 150,000 people worked as salespeople, which was more than double the figure for accounting, computing, and nursing, each at approximately 60,000. Meanwhile, only 30,000 people were employed in farming industries.

Subsequently, the number of salespeople increased modestly to just over 160,000, maintaining its position as the most popular occupation. This was followed by computing and nursing, which saw rises to just under 80,000 and 60,000 employees, respectively. Conversely, the data for accounting dropped slightly to under 60,000 people, which was roughly three times higher than the figure for farming, at precisely 20,000 farmers.