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The chart below shows the numbers of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012.

The chart below shows the numbers of three types of visitors to a museum between 1997 and 2012.

The given bar graph illustrates how many museum-goers who paid a visit to a museum in the 15-year period starting from 1997, categorized into three distinct groups.
At first glance, most of the visitors were those who belonged to the mature age group, while the reverse was true for the special exhibition visitors. In addition, the annual attendees at the museum experienced a growth throughout the provided timespan, except the year 2012.
It could be noticed that the aggregate arrivals hit the pinnacle at 525,000 in 2007, and suddenly sank to 504,300 in the next year. In reference to grown-up individuals, the museum welcomed 300,100 guests at the beginning of the period. After a decade, there was a surge in this term, which stood at 400,500 and slightly declined to 380,000 in 2012.
Looking at the graph in more detail, the attendance figures of the special exhibition visitors nearly doubled during the period of 15 years, soaring from 28,000 to 42,000. In terms of museum-goers who were teenagers or kids, a reduction was witnessed from 120,000 to 82,300 at all times shown. In spite of displaying a major downward trend, it still consistently maintained its second position, following the group of the adult attendees.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "starting from 1997" -> "commencing in 1997"
    Explanation: Replacing "starting from 1997" with "commencing in 1997" adds formality and precision to the description of the time period, contributing to a more sophisticated tone.

  2. "mature age group" -> "adult demographic"
    Explanation: Substituting "mature age group" with "adult demographic" is a more refined and neutral expression, conveying the same idea while avoiding potential age-related connotations.

  3. "reverse was true" -> "the opposite held true"
    Explanation: Changing "reverse was true" to "the opposite held true" introduces a more precise and formal phrase, enhancing the overall sophistication of the sentence.

  4. "annual attendees" -> "yearly visitors"
    Explanation: Replacing "annual attendees" with "yearly visitors" offers a more varied and sophisticated term, contributing to lexical diversity and maintaining reader engagement.

  5. "hit the pinnacle" -> "peaked"
    Explanation: Substituting "hit the pinnacle" with "peaked" is a more concise and sophisticated way to express the maximum point, contributing to a more polished writing style.

  6. "sank to" -> "dropped to"
    Explanation: Changing "sank to" to "dropped to" is a more precise and formal term, providing a clearer description of the decrease in the number of museum arrivals.

  7. "a surge in this term" -> "experienced an upswing"
    Explanation: Replacing "a surge in this term" with "experienced an upswing" adds a more formal and specific description of the increase in museum attendees, contributing to a nuanced expression.

  8. "Looking at the graph in more detail" -> "Upon closer examination of the graph"
    Explanation: Substituting "Looking at the graph in more detail" with "Upon closer examination of the graph" enhances the formality and sophistication of the transition, creating a smoother flow in the essay.

  9. "teenagers or kids" -> "adolescents or children"
    Explanation: Changing "teenagers or kids" to "adolescents or children" employs more precise and formal terminology, contributing to a more professional and nuanced description of the age groups.

  10. "witnessed from" -> "observed from"
    Explanation: Replacing "witnessed from" with "observed from" introduces a more formal and neutral term, maintaining a scholarly tone in the discussion of the attendance figures.

Note: The improvements suggested aim to enhance the overall vocabulary, formality, and precision of the essay while maintaining clarity in conveying the information.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task, presenting a clear overview of the main trends in museum visitor numbers over the specified time frame. It highlights key features, such as the dominance of mature visitors, the fluctuation in annual attendees, and the contrasting trends between the special exhibition visitors and the younger age group. The essay maintains coherence while describing the changes in visitor numbers over time.

How to improve:
To enhance the response and potentially reach a higher band score, consider further extending the discussion of the trends observed, providing more specific data or percentages to support the analysis. Additionally, aim to offer a deeper analysis of the significance or potential reasons behind the fluctuations in visitor numbers, contributing to a more comprehensive exploration of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. The introduction provides a concise overview of the presented data, outlining the three categories of museum visitors. The body paragraphs effectively compare and contrast the attendance figures for the different visitor types over the 15-year period. The use of language is generally clear, and cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, contribute to the overall coherence. The essay manages paragraphing appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data.

However, there is room for improvement in terms of cohesive devices. While the essay uses a range of them appropriately, there are instances where the connection between sentences could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences could benefit from more precise referencing and substitution for enhanced coherence. For instance, in the sentence, "In addition, the annual attendees at the museum experienced growth throughout the provided timespan, except the year 2012," a clearer reference to the specific data or trends would strengthen cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure precise referencing: Clearly connect sentences by referencing specific data points or trends. For example, instead of a general statement about growth, specify the increase in the number of attendees during certain years.
  2. Smooth transition between sentences: Enhance the flow by using more transitional phrases to connect ideas seamlessly. This will contribute to a more cohesive and fluid narrative.
  3. Check for coherence within sentences: Ensure that the relationship between ideas within sentences is clear and logical. This can be achieved by refining the use of cohesive devices and substitutions for pronouns.

Overall, the essay is well-organized and coherent, but refining the use of cohesive devices and precise referencing would elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, offering a varied selection of words and expressions. The writer successfully conveys the information with some flexibility and precision, utilizing less common lexical items such as "mature age group" and "special exhibition visitors." There is an awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "hit the pinnacle" or "surge in this term," which slightly affect the fluency and precision of expression. Despite these inaccuracies, the vocabulary is generally sufficient to allow for flexibility and precision in conveying the information.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer should aim for greater accuracy in word choice and collocation. Avoiding phrases that may sound awkward or unconventional, such as "surge in this term," would contribute to a more refined expression. Additionally, paying attention to idiomatic use of language and refining the choice of uncommon lexical items would further elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication. Regular proofreading can help eliminate occasional errors in word choice, ensuring a consistently precise and fluent use of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, placing it within the Band 7 category. There is a variety of complex sentence structures employed throughout the essay, showcasing an ability to use a range of language forms. Most of the sentences are error-free, contributing to a generally clear and coherent expression of ideas. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as in the phrase "the reverse was true for the special exhibition visitors," where a more precise wording could enhance accuracy. Overall, the essay maintains good control of grammar and punctuation, allowing for effective communication of the information presented in the bar graph.

How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should aim for precision in language use. In particular, attention to word choice and expression can help eliminate minor errors and improve overall clarity. Additionally, a careful review of sentence structures to ensure they align with the complexity required for Band 7 would be beneficial. Proofreading for small grammatical nuances will contribute to refining the essay and potentially elevate it to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar graph depicts the attendance trends of museum visitors over a 15-year period from 1997 to 2012, categorized into three distinct groups.

Introduction:
The graph outlines the number of visitors in various age groups and those attending special exhibitions, offering insights into the museum’s popularity during the specified timeframe.

Overview:
Upon initial examination, the majority of museum-goers belonged to the mature age group, contrasting with a lower attendance among special exhibition visitors. Overall, the museum experienced a consistent growth in annual attendees, with a notable peak of 525,000 in 2007, followed by a slight decline to 504,300 in 2008.

Detailed Paragraphs:
In the early stages of the period, the museum attracted 300,100 mature visitors. Over the course of a decade, this figure witnessed a surge to 400,500, only to slightly decrease to 380,000 by 2012.

Examining special exhibition attendees, their numbers nearly doubled from 28,000 to 42,000 over the 15-year span. In contrast, visitors in the teenage or kids category experienced a consistent decline from 120,000 to 82,300. Despite this downward trend, they maintained a steady second position following the adult attendees.

In conclusion, the overall attendance figures reveal the museum’s popularity, with fluctuations in specific age groups and special exhibition attendance.

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