The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces between 2001 and 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces between 2001 and 2006.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given bar chart illustrates how transformative the proportion of world-wide graduates from certain cities in Canada was over the period of 5 years.
Overall, the period witnessed the dominance of the number of overseas students who graduated at New Brunkswick in both 2001 and 2006; and the greatest change belonged to British Columbia university.
First, New Brunswick predominant among the list to give the hugest figure of graduation degrees for new engineers and technicians in both 2001 and 2006 which were over 5% and 10%, respectively. Meanwhile, the lowest percentage was taken by Ontario University, in both years. In detail, the proportion of international graduates of the university was about 3% in 2001 and just over 5% in 2006, the modest figures. The other Universities owned their percentage which was an insignificant difference.
On another hand, looking more clearly at the change level of each university, British Columbia was the greatest changed university. In fact, in 2001, the university just organized graduation ceremony for under 5% of international students while in 2006, the figure increased by over 10%, an over double erection. Obviously, other universities had lower growth that was under 50% and the lowest development was in Quebec university with approximately 25% of change.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"transformative the proportion" -> "significant changes in the proportion"
Explanation: The phrase "transformative the proportion" is awkward and unclear. "Significant changes in the proportion" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, indicating a notable shift over time.
"world-wide graduates" -> "global graduates"
Explanation: "World-wide" is redundant with "world" in this context. "Global" is a more concise and academically appropriate term.
"the period of 5 years" -> "a five-year period"
Explanation: "A five-year period" is a more formal and precise way to specify the duration, enhancing the academic tone.
"dominance of the number of overseas students" -> "predominance of international students"
Explanation: "Predominance" is more specific and academically formal than "dominance," and "international students" is a more precise term than "overseas students."
"the hugest figure" -> "the largest number"
Explanation: "The hugest" is informal and imprecise. "The largest number" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"new engineers and technicians" -> "newly graduated engineers and technicians"
Explanation: Adding "newly graduated" clarifies that the data refers to recent graduates, enhancing precision.
"the lowest percentage was taken by" -> "the lowest percentage belonged to"
Explanation: "Belonged to" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "was taken by," which is less common in formal contexts.
"the modest figures" -> "relatively low figures"
Explanation: "Modest" can be seen as subjective and informal. "Relatively low" is more objective and fits the academic style.
"On another hand" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: "On another hand" is incorrect; the correct phrase is "On the other hand," which is standard in formal writing.
"the greatest changed university" -> "the university with the greatest change"
Explanation: "The greatest changed university" is awkward and unclear. "The university with the greatest change" is more grammatically correct and clear.
"just organized graduation ceremony" -> "held a graduation ceremony"
Explanation: "Just organized" is informal and vague; "held" is more precise and formal.
"an over double erection" -> "a significant increase"
Explanation: "An over double erection" is incorrect and unclear. "A significant increase" is the correct term for describing a notable change.
"other universities had lower growth that was under 50%" -> "other universities experienced growth rates under 50%"
Explanation: "Had lower growth that was under 50%" is awkward and unclear. "Experienced growth rates under 50%" is more direct and formal.
"the lowest development was in Quebec university" -> "the lowest growth was in Quebec University"
Explanation: "Development" is not typically used to describe changes in student numbers; "growth" is more appropriate. Also, "Quebec University" should be capitalized as it refers to a specific institution.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the data, but it does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features. For example, the essay states that "New Brunswick predominant among the list to give the hugest figure of graduation degrees for new engineers and technicians in both 2001 and 2006 which were over 5% and 10%, respectively." This is a detail, not a key feature. The essay also makes some inaccurate statements, such as "the greatest change belonged to British Columbia university." While British Columbia did have the largest increase in the percentage of international graduates, it did not have the greatest change overall.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on key features rather than details. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of international graduates increased in all provinces between 2001 and 2006, but the increase was most significant in British Columbia. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information. For example, the essay should not state that British Columbia had the greatest change overall. Instead, the essay should state that British Columbia had the largest increase in the percentage of international graduates.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression in the response. While it attempts to compare the data from different provinces, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the argument. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as some ideas are not grouped effectively, making it difficult for the reader to follow the main points.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help to connect ideas more logically. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution can reduce repetition and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will contribute to a clearer progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to use some less common vocabulary (e.g., "transformative," "predominant"), the overall lexical resource is constrained, and there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "the hugest figure," "an over double erection"). Additionally, spelling and word formation errors (e.g., "Brunkswick" instead of "Brunswick") may cause some difficulty for the reader. The use of basic vocabulary and repetitive phrases detracts from the overall effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and sophisticated terms. They should also focus on correct collocations and expressions, ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors would improve clarity and overall quality. Engaging with more varied reading materials can help expand vocabulary and improve usage in context.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy and clarity. Frequent grammatical errors, such as "hugest figure" and "over double erection," detract from the overall coherence and meaning of the text. Punctuation issues are also present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, while the essay attempts to convey information, the errors significantly hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence forms to demonstrate flexibility.
Error Correction: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to improve clarity and readability.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to refine grammatical skills and enhance overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart illustrates the percentage change in the share of international graduates from various Canadian provinces over a five-year period from 2001 to 2006. Overall, New Brunswick consistently had the highest proportion of overseas students graduating in both 2001 and 2006, while British Columbia experienced the most significant change during this period.

First, New Brunswick stood out as the province with the highest percentage of graduation degrees awarded to international students, with figures exceeding 5% in 2001 and rising to over 10% in 2006. In contrast, Ontario University recorded the lowest percentage in both years. Specifically, the proportion of international graduates at this institution was approximately 3% in 2001 and just over 5% in 2006, representing modest figures. The other universities displayed their own percentages, which showed only minor differences.

On the other hand, examining the changes at each university more closely, British Columbia exhibited the most substantial increase. In 2001, this university had graduation ceremonies for fewer than 5% of international students, while by 2006, this figure had surged by over 10%, more than doubling. Notably, other universities experienced lower growth rates, all under 50%, with Quebec University showing the least development, with a change of approximately 25%.