The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company’s total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram indicates the figure for a drug company’s gross sales in three different regions are America, Europe and Asia between 2002 to 2006.

Overall, Asia’s data witnessed a marked disparity during 5 years, its data accounted for 25% to 40% while Europe and America’s data indicated a fluctuation in the whole time. In comparison both America and Europe, which accounted for the same data in 2003 and 2006.

In 2002, the figure for America and Europe stood at 41% and 34% respectively. The following year, both data as same as making up at 35%. The data of America witnessed a substantial downward trend at 27% while The data of Europe indicated an increase at 38% in 2003. Conversely, there was a notable shifts of America, which rose gradually and accounted for 29% in 2005. In the end of period time, the data of America remained stable at 30%. Meanwhile, there was a gradual decline of Europe’s data, which declined at 34%. In the end of time, the data of Europe witnessed a notable decline at 30%, its data as same as point.

The proportion of Asia made up at 25% in 2002, its data rose dramatically during four years. In the end of period time, the proportion of Asia indicated substantially at 40%.

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Errors and Improvements:

"data witnessed a marked disparity" -> "figures exhibited significant disparity"
Explanation: "Figures" is a more precise term to refer to numerical data. "Exhibited" is a stronger verb choice that conveys a sense of observation or display. "Significant disparity" conveys a clearer understanding of the variation between the figures.
"while Europe and America’s data indicated a fluctuation" -> "while data for Europe and America fluctuated"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for better flow. Placing "data" immediately after the subject clarifies the sentence structure. "Fluctuated" is a more active verb choice that succinctly communicates the variability in the figures.
"In comparison both America and Europe" -> "In comparison, both America and Europe"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "comparison" improves readability and conforms to standard punctuation rules.
"which accounted for the same data" -> "which reflected similar figures"
Explanation: "Accounted for the same data" is awkward and unclear. "Reflected similar figures" conveys the idea that the data showed comparable results.
"as same as" -> "were the same as"
Explanation: "As same as" is grammatically incorrect. "Were the same as" is a more appropriate and standard phrase to express equality.
"witnessed a substantial downward trend" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a stronger verb choice that denotes a broader range of changes. "Substantial decline" better conveys the magnitude of the downward trend.
"Conversely, there was a notable shifts of America" -> "Conversely, America experienced notable shifts"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for clarity and coherence. Placing "America" as the subject immediately after the comma improves readability. "Shifts" is the correct plural form of "shift," and it better reflects the idea of changes occurring over time.
"which rose gradually and accounted for 29%" -> "which gradually rose, reaching 29%"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow. Placing "gradually" before "rose" clarifies the manner in which the increase occurred. Adding "reaching 29%" specifies the final value attained by the increase.
"there was a gradual decline of Europe’s data, which declined at 34%" -> "Europe’s data gradually declined, reaching 34%"
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure for clarity. Combining "gradual decline" with "reaching 34%" provides a clearer description of the trend without unnecessary repetition.
"its data as same as point" -> "its data reached the same point"
Explanation: "As same as point" is grammatically incorrect. "Reached the same point" accurately conveys the idea of achieving a similar level or value.
"the proportion of Asia indicated substantially at 40%" -> "the proportion of Asia significantly increased to 40%"
Explanation: "Indicated substantially at 40%" is ambiguous and lacks clarity. "Significantly increased to 40%" precisely communicates the notable rise in Asia’s proportion.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the given chart, which includes the percentage of a drug company’s total sales by region from 2002 to 2006. The overview provides a general understanding of the data trends for America, Europe, and Asia over the specified time period. Key features such as the fluctuations in sales percentages for each region are mentioned, and some comparisons are made between America and Europe. However, the response lacks full development and coherence. Some details are irrelevant or repetitive, such as the repeated mention of data percentages without further analysis or contextualization. Additionally, the comparison between America and Europe could be more detailed and focused.

How to improve:

Ensure a clear and concise overview that highlights the main trends and comparisons without unnecessary repetition.
Provide more specific and relevant details to support the analysis, such as reasons for the fluctuations in sales percentages or potential factors influencing the sales trends.
Focus on the task requirements and avoid irrelevant information that does not contribute to the understanding of the data presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, as there is a general progression of ideas throughout the essay. The writer attempts to organize information logically, with a clear introduction and conclusion. There is an attempt to compare data between different regions and years, although the comparison could be more detailed and systematic. The essay also attempts to use cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to link sentences and ideas together. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, where the connection between sentences is not always clear. Additionally, while there are paragraphs present, they are not always logically structured, leading to some confusion in the organization of ideas.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on developing a clearer structure for the essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas are logically organized within each paragraph. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay to better connect ideas and sentences. Additionally, pay attention to referencing and make sure pronouns and other references are used clearly and appropriately to avoid confusion. Finally, aim for more precise comparisons between regions and years to strengthen the analysis and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, with some noticeable errors in word choice and word formation. There are instances of inaccurate word usage and awkward phrasing throughout the essay.
How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, focus on expanding the range of vocabulary used, paying attention to word choice, collocations, and idiomatic expressions. Work on enhancing sentence structures for clarity and coherence, which can contribute to a more sophisticated use of language. Additionally, review spelling and word formation to minimize errors that may disrupt the flow of the text.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and coherence. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("America’s data indicated a fluctuation"), inconsistent verb tense usage ("Asia’s data witnessed a marked disparity during 5 years"), and awkward phrasing ("the figure for America and Europe stood at 41% and 34% respectively"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of capitalization, detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

While the essay attempts to present a summary of the provided chart, the language and structural errors result in some difficulty for the reader in understanding the information presented.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper use of punctuation.
Sentence Structure: Aim for a more varied and sophisticated range of sentence structures to enhance coherence and fluency.
Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that each sentence contributes to the overall clarity and coherence of the essay, avoiding awkward phrasing and ambiguous statements.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the percentage of a drug company’s total sales across three regions – America, Europe, and Asia – over the period from 2002 to 2006.

Overall, Asia experienced a significant variation in its sales figures throughout the five-year period, ranging from 25% to 40%, while both Europe and America witnessed fluctuations over the same period.

In terms of comparison between America and Europe, they both accounted for identical proportions of sales in 2003 and 2006.

In 2002, America’s sales stood at 41%, while Europe’s were at 34%. The following year, both regions saw their figures equalize at 35%. Subsequently, America experienced a notable decline to 27% in 2003, while Europe saw an increase to 38%. However, America’s sales gradually rose again, reaching 29% in 2005 and eventually stabilizing at 30% by the end of the period. Conversely, Europe experienced a gradual decline, reaching 34% in 2005 and further declining to 30% by the end of the period.

Meanwhile, Asia’s proportion of sales began at 25% in 2002, experiencing a dramatic rise over the four years to reach 40% by the end of the period.