The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company’s total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006

The given column graph delineates the annual revenue of pharmaceutical manufacturers in three different continents calculated by proportion in the survey period between 2002 and 2006.

Overall, it is obvious that the sale figures of Europe and America exhibited a downward trend, whereas Asia presented a reverse tendency, and reached the highest point in the final year.

Starting at an advantage position, America accounted for 41% in 2002, while the other competitors showed to be more humbler data with 34% and 25% in turn of Europe and Asia. Just only a year later, drug producers in America no longer maintained the monopoly place, instead of the market share being evenly separated for all parts of the world.

In 2004, the race became more firercer because America witnessed a sharpest decline during the given period, dropped by 8% and 13% as opposed to 2003 and 2002, respectively. Meanwhile, Europe rose to the leading position with a tight percentage compared to Asia was 3%. Afterward, this place continued to be replaced by Asia where rapidly surpassed the remaining region and finished at precisely 40%, approximately America at the starting point.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"delineates" -> "depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more commonly used and straightforward term to describe what the column graph is doing, which is showing or illustrating the data.
"sale figures" -> "sales figures"
Explanation: "Sales figures" is the correct term to refer to the data representing the revenue earned by pharmaceutical manufacturers.
"more humbler" -> "more modest"
Explanation: "More modest" is a more appropriate term here as it accurately conveys the idea of being less significant or imposing without the redundancy of "more" and "humbler".
"monopoly place" -> "dominant position"
Explanation: "Dominant position" better communicates the idea of America’s initial superiority in the market without the implication of a literal monopoly.
"firercer" -> "fiercer"
Explanation: "Fiercer" is the correct spelling of the comparative form of "fierce," which accurately describes the increasing intensity of competition.
"sharpest decline" -> "most significant decline"
Explanation: "Most significant decline" is a more precise and formal phrase to describe the notable decrease in revenue.
"where" -> "which"
Explanation: "Which" is the appropriate relative pronoun to introduce the clause referring to Asia, maintaining clarity and grammatical correctness.
"rapidly surpassed" -> "rapidly surpassed"
Explanation: No improvement needed.
"precisely 40%" -> "exactly 40%"
Explanation: "Exactly" is a more precise term to indicate an accurate percentage, enhancing the clarity of the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in pharmaceutical sales across different regions from 2002 to 2006. It highlights key features such as the initial dominance of America, the decline in sales in America and Europe, and the rise of Asia as the leading region. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the details provided, such as the statement that Europe "rose to the leading position" in 2004, which contradicts the data presented in the chart. Additionally, some details are unclear or irrelevant, such as the mention of a "race" and the comparison of market shares between regions without specific figures.
How to improve: To improve the essay, ensure that all details provided are accurate and relevant to the data presented in the chart. Focus on presenting a clear overview of the trends without introducing unnecessary or contradictory information. Use specific data points from the chart to support your analysis and avoid vague or speculative language. Additionally, pay attention to grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from discussing the trends in sales for each region over the years. The introduction provides a concise overview of the data presented in the chart. There is a logical flow in discussing the sales trends, starting with the initial figures in 2002 and progressing through each subsequent year. However, there are some instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, such as the phrase "Just only a year later," which could be smoother. Additionally, there are minor issues with referencing, such as using "the other competitors" without clear antecedents. The use of paragraphing is sufficient but could be more logically structured, especially in transitioning between different aspects of the analysis.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas and maintain a clear logical progression throughout the essay. Pay close attention to referencing to avoid ambiguity and ensure clarity in the presentation of information. Additionally, consider revising the paragraph structure to ensure a more logical organization of ideas and smoother transitions between different aspects of the analysis.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including some less common terms like "delineates," "humbl(er)," "monopoly place," "firercer," and "surpassed." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "firercer" instead of "fiercer" and "sharpest decline" not fully conveying the intended meaning. There are also some errors in word formation and spelling ("firercer," "humbl," "witnessed a sharpest decline"). These errors do not impede communication significantly but affect the overall fluency and accuracy of the essay.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, focus on using vocabulary accurately and appropriately. Review word choices for precision and ensure correct word formation and spelling. Additionally, work on enhancing fluency and clarity in conveying ideas to avoid minor errors that can impact the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to use varied sentence forms, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To improve, focus on using a wider range of complex structures with more accuracy. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce errors and enhance clarity. Additionally, aim for a more consistent use of appropriate vocabulary and phrasing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided column graph illustrates the annual revenue of pharmaceutical manufacturers across three continents as a percentage of total sales over the period from 2002 to 2006.

Overall, it is evident that Europe and America experienced a declining trend in sales, whereas Asia demonstrated an upward trajectory, reaching its peak in the final year.

Commencing from a favorable position, America held 41% of the market share in 2002, while Europe and Asia accounted for 34% and 25% respectively. Within just one year, America’s dominance waned, with market share becoming more evenly distributed across the continents.

By 2004, competition intensified as America experienced the most significant decline, dropping by 8% and 13% compared to 2003 and 2002 respectively. Meanwhile, Europe reclaimed the lead position with a slight edge over Asia by 3%. Subsequently, Asia rapidly surpassed all other regions, culminating at precisely 40% market share, nearly matching America’s initial position.