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The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

The given line graph depicts the proportion of four types of electric gadget used by families during a 20-year period from 1995.
Overall, there was a augmentative trend in these gadgets over a period of 20 years from 1995. Additionally, MP3 owned by households appeared to the highest at first, but was knocked down from the top by mobile phones and computers at the end.
Moving onto details, in 1995, the percentage of MP3 was at the top spot. Meanwhile, that of mobile phones and computer was similar closely 8%. Then, in 1995-2000 period, the proportion of mobile phones increased rapidly from 8% to 70% and that of computer and MP3 both increased to the similar percentage. After about 2 years, tablet started appearing but was not yet used much. In 2005, while the proportion of mobile phones was at the top spot, that of computer increased to the 2nd, and that of tablet incresed gradually but still a last spot.
Turning to the next period 2005-2010, tablet started being used a lot, so the proportion of them increased quickly from 10% to approximately 65% while the figure of others increased slowly. Furthermore, in the last period 2010-2015, the percentage of mobile phones and computers both climbed to the similar spot approximately 96%, that of tablet increased to the 3rd at 81%, and that of MP3 was knocked down to the lowest spot roughly 42%


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "augmentative trend" -> "ascending trend"
    Explanation: Replacing "augmentative trend" with "ascending trend" provides a more precise and formal term, better suited for describing the upward movement in the proportion of electric gadgets.

  2. "MP3 owned by households" -> "Households possessing MP3 players"
    Explanation: The phrase "MP3 owned by households" can be refined to "Households possessing MP3 players" for a more sophisticated expression, emphasizing ownership.

  3. "appeared to the highest" -> "initially held the highest position"
    Explanation: "Appeared to the highest" can be replaced with "initially held the highest position" for clearer and more precise language, indicating the initial dominance of MP3.

  4. "similar closely" -> "closely similar"
    Explanation: Rearranging "similar closely" to "closely similar" improves the flow of the sentence, making it grammatically more accurate.

  5. "1995-2000 period" -> "the period from 1995 to 2000"
    Explanation: The phrase "1995-2000 period" can be rephrased as "the period from 1995 to 2000" for a more conventional and grammatically correct structure.

  6. "tablet started appearing" -> "tablets began emerging"
    Explanation: Changing "tablet started appearing" to "tablets began emerging" enhances the fluency of the sentence and introduces a more dynamic verb for tablet introduction.

  7. "that of tablet incresed gradually but still a last spot" -> "the tablet’s share increased gradually but remained in the last position"
    Explanation: Restructuring "that of tablet incresed gradually but still a last spot" to "the tablet’s share increased gradually but remained in the last position" provides a clearer and more detailed description of the tablet’s growth.

  8. "the figure of others increased slowly" -> "the proportions of other gadgets increased gradually"
    Explanation: Changing "the figure of others increased slowly" to "the proportions of other gadgets increased gradually" improves precision by specifying that it refers to proportions rather than a singular figure.

  9. "last period 2010-2015" -> "the final period from 2010 to 2015"
    Explanation: The phrase "last period 2010-2015" can be refined to "the final period from 2010 to 2015" for a more conventional and grammatically correct expression.

  10. "climbed to the similar spot" -> "ascended to a comparable position"
    Explanation: Replacing "climbed to the similar spot" with "ascended to a comparable position" introduces more formal vocabulary, enhancing the description of the climb in percentages for mobile phones and computers.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015. The key features and bullet points are generally presented, and the overall trend is clear. However, there are some instances where the details may be inaccurate or unclear, impacting the overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Accuracy: Ensure accuracy in presenting details. For example, stating that "MP3 owned by households appeared to the highest at first" is somewhat unclear. Specify the exact percentage or make sure it is factually accurate.
  2. Clarity and Cohesion: Work on improving the flow of ideas and coherence. Some sentences are abrupt, affecting the overall clarity of the essay. Connect ideas more smoothly to enhance coherence.
  3. Grammar and Language Usage: Pay attention to language use. For instance, "augmentative trend" could be replaced with "rising trend" for better clarity. Additionally, check for grammar errors, such as "incresed," which should be corrected to "increased."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the data but needs refinement in accuracy, clarity, and language usage to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to describe the given line graph depicting the percentage of households owning electronic devices from 1995 to 2015. It presents an overview but lacks consistent coherence and cohesion in several aspects. The progression of ideas is somewhat disjointed, affecting the clarity of the information. There is an attempt at paragraphing, but the structure lacks logical flow and coherence within and between sentences. The essay includes some descriptive details but lacks a cohesive link between them, leading to a lack of clear progression and coherence in the response.

How to improve:

  1. Structure and Logical Progression: Ensure a clear and structured flow of information from one point to the next, organizing information chronologically or by trends observed in the data.
  2. Cohesive Devices: Utilize a variety of cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas and sentences logically. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  3. Paragraphing: Use clear and appropriately structured paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct aspect or time period, aiding in the logical presentation of information.

The essay would benefit from a clearer outline of the trends observed over the 20-year period, maintaining a coherent and logically structured progression of information. Strengthening the use of cohesive devices and refining the paragraph structure will significantly improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic level of lexical resource with limited vocabulary range. While there is an attempt to convey the information, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, "augmentative" should be "increasing," and "incresed" should be "increased." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "MP3 owned by households" and "tablet started being used a lot."

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score, focus on expanding the range of vocabulary used. Use more precise and varied vocabulary to convey ideas. Avoid repetitive phrases and strive for greater accuracy in word choice, spelling, and word formation. Consider refining sentence structures for clarity and fluency. Proofreading is essential to catch and correct errors that may affect overall communication. Additionally, pay attention to the appropriate use of verb tenses and expressions to ensure a smoother flow of information.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, often relying on simple sentences. There are several grammatical errors and inaccuracies throughout the essay, such as "a augmentative trend" instead of "an augmentative trend," and "tablet incresed" instead of "tablet increased." The essay attempts some complex sentences, but they tend to be less accurate, impacting the overall communication. Punctuation is faulty in places, and errors may cause difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a more diverse range of sentence structures. Additionally, careful proofreading is necessary to address grammatical errors and punctuation issues. Practice constructing complex sentences with accuracy to improve overall language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the percentage of households utilizing four categories of electronic devices over the span of two decades, from 1995 to 2015.

Introduction:
Overall, a discernible upward trend is observed in the adoption of these electronic gadgets during the 20-year period, with notable shifts in preference among households.

Overview:
Initially, MP3 players held the highest prevalence in 1995, only to be surpassed by mobile phones and computers in later years. The trajectory of tablet usage also experienced a significant rise during the observed period.

Details:
In 1995, MP3 players dominated, constituting the highest percentage. Meanwhile, mobile phones and computers shared a similar prevalence, each at around 8%. Between 1995 and 2000, the prevalence of mobile phones surged dramatically, reaching 70%, while computers and MP3 players showed comparable, albeit slower, growth. Tablets made their initial appearance around this time but were not widely adopted.

By 2005, mobile phones claimed the top spot, with computers securing the second position, and tablets gradually gaining traction but remaining at the bottom. During the subsequent period of 2005-2010, tablets witnessed a remarkable surge, escalating from 10% to approximately 65%, outpacing the slower growth of other devices.

In the final period from 2010 to 2015, mobile phones and computers both reached a peak at approximately 96%, tablets secured the third position with an 81% prevalence, while MP3 players experienced a decline, reaching the lowest point at roughly 42%.

In conclusion, the evolution of electronic device ownership in households from 1995 to 2015 reflects a dynamic landscape, marked by the ascent of mobile phones and computers, the emergence and rapid adoption of tablets, and the subsequent decline of MP3 players.

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