The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

The chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

The line graph below illustrates the changesin the percentage in the use of electronic devices in households over 20-year period from 1995 to 2015. These gadgets are: MP3 player, computer, mobile phone and tablet and each colors represent each gadgets which make the chart becomes more clearly.
In 1995, MP3 player was the most popular device in households which was around 17 percent. Meanwhile, mobile phones and computers had the same percent which was approximately 10 percent. In the same year, tablets still not appeared in the chart because they still not existed yet. 5 years later, mobile phones rose gradually to 70 percent and went peaked at around 95 percent in 2015. Computers exceeded MP3 player in 2000 and continued to rose sharply and also went peaked like mobile phones. Even though tablets existed later than the others but still become the third most popular gadgets by swiftly gained popularity in 2010. On the other hand, MP3 player only rose slightly to just over 40 percent after 20 years.
These devices have been gained lots of attention after years which shows that more and more people are starting to use them in their daily life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "changesin" -> "changes in"
    Explanation: Correcting the spacing between "changes" and "in" is necessary for proper grammar and readability.

  2. "each colors represent each gadgets" -> "each color represents each gadget"
    Explanation: Plural "colors" should be singular, and "gadgets" should be singular as well for grammatical consistency.

  3. "which make the chart becomes more clearly" -> "which makes the chart clearer"
    Explanation: Adjusting the verb form to "makes" and using "clearer" instead of "more clearly" improves the sentence’s clarity and grammar.

  4. "MP3 player was the most popular device" -> "MP3 player was the most prevalent device"
    Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more precise term than "popular" when referring to the highest usage or existence of a device.

  5. "percent" -> "percentage"
    Explanation: Using "percentage" instead of "percent" is more formal and appropriate in this context.

  6. "tablets still not appeared" -> "tablets still had not appeared"
    Explanation: Correcting the tense to "had not appeared" maintains consistency in the sentence’s timeline.

  7. "they still not existed yet" -> "they did not yet exist"
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure for clearer and more grammatically correct expression of the absence of tablets.

  8. "rose gradually to 70 percent and went peaked" -> "gradually rose to 70 percent and peaked"
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for better flow and using "peaked" in place of "went peaked" for conciseness.

  9. "continued to rose sharply" -> "continued to rise sharply"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb form to "rise" maintains grammatical accuracy.

  10. "swiftly gained popularity" -> "rapidly gained popularity"
    Explanation: Replacing "swiftly" with "rapidly" maintains the idea of quickness while using a more advanced synonym.

  11. "MP3 player only rose slightly" -> "MP3 player only experienced a slight rise"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "experienced a slight rise" for precision.

  12. "These devices have been gained lots of attention after years" -> "These devices have garnered significant attention over the years"
    Explanation: Replacing "have been gained lots of attention" with "have garnered significant attention" for a more formal and refined expression.

  13. "more and more people are starting to use them" -> "an increasing number of people are adopting their use"
    Explanation: Using "an increasing number of people are adopting their use" adds sophistication and precision to the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in the percentage of households owning electronic devices from 1995 to 2015. It mentions the four types of devices (MP3 player, computer, mobile phone, and tablet) and attempts to present key features, such as their popularity over the years.

However, the overview is somewhat mechanical, lacking a clear structure. The information is not consistently well-selected, and there are inaccuracies in stating that tablets did not exist in 1995. The writing style is also informal, which may not be suitable for an academic task like IELTS.

How to improve:

  1. Structure: Organize the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion to enhance coherence.
  2. Accuracy: Ensure accurate information; in this case, mention that tablets did exist in 1995 but may not have been widely used.
  3. Formality: Maintain a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
  4. Detail: Provide more specific details about the trends, avoiding general statements like "rose sharply." Include specific percentages or figures.
  5. Grammar and Vocabulary: Improve sentence structure and word choices for a more polished presentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

This essay attempts to describe the changes in the percentage of households owning electronic devices over a 20-year period. It organizes information in a basic chronological order, starting with the data from 1995 and progressing through the years. However, the progression lacks depth and coherence due to fragmented information presentation, occasional inaccuracies, and unclear relationships between ideas. There’s an attempt at paragraphing, but it lacks consistency and logical organization. The use of cohesive devices is limited and inconsistent, leading to occasional confusion for the reader.

How to improve:

  1. Structure and Clarity: Enhance the essay’s structure by organizing information into coherent paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect or time period to improve overall clarity.
  2. Cohesive Devices: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices (e.g., conjunctions, transition words) to create smoother connections between ideas and ensure coherence throughout the essay.
  3. Accuracy and Detail: Ensure accuracy in presenting data and provide more specific details regarding the trends observed in the chart without making assumptions about historical aspects, such as the existence of certain devices at certain times.

Remember, a more consistent and coherent presentation of information with accurate details and improved paragraph structure will significantly enhance the essay’s coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some errors in word choice and collocation. There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, the essay lacks variety in sentence structures, contributing to a somewhat repetitive style.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader and more varied vocabulary relevant to the topic. Paying closer attention to word choice, spelling, and collocation will help reduce errors. Additionally, diversifying sentence structures and avoiding repetition will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.5

The essay demonstrates a fair attempt at utilizing a variety of structures with some success. There is evidence of both simple and complex sentences, though their accuracy is inconsistent. The essay often struggles with word choices and lacks precision in expression, resulting in some ambiguity. While there is a general understanding of grammar and punctuation, frequent errors persist, causing occasional difficulty for the reader. The overall range of structures is somewhat limited, and attempts at complexity are hindered by imprecise language use.

How to improve:

  1. Precision and Clarity: Pay attention to word choices and strive for more precise language to convey ideas clearly.
  2. Sentence Structure: Aim for a more consistent and accurate use of both simple and complex sentence structures. Vary sentence length to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
  3. Grammar and Punctuation: Address recurring errors by reviewing fundamental grammar rules and punctuation usage. Proofread carefully to catch and correct mistakes before submission.
  4. Complex Sentences: Practice constructing more complex sentences, ensuring accuracy to enhance the sophistication of the essay.

This essay falls within the mid-range due to a mix of strengths and weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy. Improving precision in language and refining sentence structures would contribute to a more cohesive and polished piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the changes in the percentage of households using four electronic devices over a 20-year period from 1995 to 2015. The devices considered are MP3 players, computers, mobile phones, and tablets, each represented by distinct colors for clarity.

In 1995, MP3 players were the most popular devices, constituting approximately 17 percent of households. Meanwhile, mobile phones and computers shared a similar percentage, both hovering around 10 percent. Notably, tablets did not appear in the chart during this period as they had not yet been introduced.

Five years later, mobile phone usage experienced a gradual increase, reaching 70 percent, and eventually peaking at around 95 percent in 2015. Computers surpassed MP3 players in popularity in 2000, continuing to rise significantly and achieving a peak similar to that of mobile phones. Although tablets entered the market later than the other devices, they swiftly gained popularity, becoming the third most widely used gadget by 2010.

Conversely, MP3 player usage only saw a slight increase, reaching just over 40 percent after two decades. This data underscores the shifting preferences in electronic devices over the years, with mobile phones and computers emerging as dominant choices, and tablets swiftly gaining traction.

In conclusion, the increasing prevalence of these devices reflects a growing trend of their integration into daily life, indicating a widespread adoption by an expanding user base.

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