The chart below shows the percentage of men and women who did various free-time activities in England in 2006

The bar chart delineates how many men and women participated in the different recreational activities in England in 2006.
Overall, while the number of both genders watching TV and spending time with family was the highest number, the number of playing computer games was the least in both sexes. In addition, the data of men was higher than the number of women in all datasets, with the exception of shopping and spending time with family.
In terms of the proportion of men watching TV was 80%, and the figure for women watching TV was lower, at 76%. Similarly, while around 75% of the men did sport/exercise and read books, a slightly lower percentage of the women around 73% did the same. Moreover, the number of men using the Internet was just under 75%, which more than doubled that of women, at 35%.
Regarding a drastic difference can be seen in the figure for men and women spending time with family, which was around 78% and 76% respectively. While around 30% of men did the shopping, a significantly higher percentage of women just under 75% did the same. Finally, the percentage of playing games in both genders took up the most modest, which was under 10%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart delineates" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "delineates" in this context, as it correctly describes the function of a bar chart in presenting data.
"participated in the different recreational activities" -> "engaged in various recreational activities"
Explanation: "Engaged in" is more specific and formal than "participated in," and "various" is more precise than "different," which can sometimes imply a lack of order or randomness.
"the number of both genders watching TV and spending time with family was the highest number" -> "the highest proportion of both genders was in watching TV and spending time with family"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. The revised version clarifies that it is the proportion of people, not the number, that is being discussed.
"the number of playing computer games was the least" -> "the proportion of playing computer games was the lowest"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "proportion" is more precise than "number" in this context, and "lowest" is the correct comparative form for "least."
"the data of men was higher than the number of women" -> "the proportion of men exceeded that of women"
Explanation: "The proportion of men exceeded that of women" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "the data of men was higher than the number of women."
"In terms of the proportion of men watching TV was 80%" -> "Regarding the proportion of men who watched television, it was 80%"
Explanation: Adding "who watched television" clarifies the subject, and "it was" is more formal than "was" in this context.
"a slightly lower percentage of the women around 73%" -> "a slightly lower percentage of women, approximately 73%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "around," and removing "the" before "women" corrects the grammatical structure.
"Regarding a drastic difference can be seen" -> "It is evident that there is a significant difference"
Explanation: "It is evident that there is a significant difference" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "Regarding a drastic difference can be seen."
"a significantly higher percentage of women just under 75%" -> "a significantly higher proportion of women, approximately 75%"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "percentage" in this context, and "approximately" is more formal than "just under."
"the percentage of playing games in both genders took up the most modest" -> "the percentage of both genders playing games was the lowest"
Explanation: "Was the lowest" is grammatically correct and more formal than "took up the most modest," which is awkward and unclear.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed information about the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay could mention that the percentage of men who watch TV is 4% higher than the percentage of women who watch TV. The essay could also provide more specific examples of the differences between the data for men and women. For example, the essay could mention that the percentage of men who use the internet is more than double the percentage of women who use the internet.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, demonstrating a clear overall progression. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, phrases like "In terms of the proportion of men watching TV" could be more fluidly integrated into the surrounding context. The referencing is not always clear, particularly when discussing percentages, which can lead to confusion. While the essay uses paragraphing, it does not always follow a logical structure, as some ideas could be grouped more effectively.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs will help create a more seamless reading experience. Clarifying references and avoiding mechanical phrasing will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, utilizing terms such as "delineates," "proportion," and "drastic difference." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the number of playing computer games" which should be "the number of people playing computer games." Additionally, there are some errors in sentence structure and word formation, such as "the data of men was higher than the number of women," which could be more clearly expressed. These issues indicate that while the vocabulary is sufficient for communication, it lacks the precision and control expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of less common vocabulary accurately and improving the precision of word choice. Practicing synonyms and collocations can help avoid repetitive language and awkward phrases. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity can reduce errors in word formation and improve overall coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the number of playing computer games was the least in both sexes," which should be rephrased for clarity and correctness. Additionally, phrases like "the data of men was higher than the number of women" could be improved for grammatical precision. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication, which is a positive aspect of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and improving sentence structure. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentence forms with correct punctuation would also help. Practicing the use of varied grammatical structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart delineates the percentage of men and women who participated in various recreational activities in England in 2006. Overall, while the number of both genders watching TV and spending time with family was the highest, the percentage of individuals playing computer games was the lowest for both sexes. Additionally, the data indicates that the participation rate for men was higher than that for women in all activities, with the exceptions of shopping and spending time with family.

In terms of the proportion of men watching TV, it was 80%, while the figure for women was lower, at 76%. Similarly, around 75% of men engaged in sports/exercise and reading books, compared to a slightly lower percentage of women, approximately 73%. Moreover, the number of men using the Internet was just under 75%, which was more than double that of women, at 35%.

A significant difference can be observed in the figures for men and women spending time with family, which stood at around 78% and 76% respectively. While around 30% of men did the shopping, a significantly higher percentage of women, just under 75%, participated in this activity. Finally, the percentage of individuals playing games for both genders was the most modest, at under 10%.