The chart below shows the results of three surveys on absenteeism in a particular European country in the years of 2000, 2005 and 2010.

The graph illustrates the proportion of reasons which make employee do not go to work at some countries in European over 10 year-period from 2000 to 2010.

It is evident that health issues and family responsibility witnessed a downward trend, whereas others showed fluctuated upward trend. During the observed period, although showing a downtrend, illness remained the highest reasons for not going to work.

As can be seen in 2000, health issues accounted for approximately 45%, which was around 20% higher than the family responsibility reason. This was followed by person needed with under 15%. Finally, stress and unexpected problems accounted for 8% and 6%, respectively.

Subsequently, illness reasons steadily decreased, falling to 35% by 2010. With the same dropped trend, family responsibility accounted for 20% in both 2005 and 2010. Over the same period, the personal requires rose to a peak of around 20% in 2005, before decreasing after that. In contrast, the stress and unexpected problems showed a upward trend, reaching 10% and 15% by 2010, respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates the proportion of reasons which make employee do not go to work at some countries in European over 10 year-period from 2000 to 2010." -> "The graph illustrates the proportion of reasons why employees in certain European countries do not attend work over a 10-year period from 2000 to 2010."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning by specifying "employees" and "attend work" for a more formal tone and precise language.
"witnessed a downward trend" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is somewhat informal and less precise in this context. "Experienced a decline" is more appropriate for academic writing, as it directly describes the change in data.
"others showed fluctuated upward trend" -> "others exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Fluctuated upward trend" is awkward and unclear. "Exhibited an upward trend" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"person needed with under 15%" -> "those requiring less than 15%"
Explanation: "Person needed with under 15%" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Those requiring less than 15%" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"stress and unexpected problems accounted for 8% and 6%, respectively" -> "stress and unexpected problems accounted for 8% and 6%, respectively"
Explanation: No change needed as the original is correct and clear.
"illness reasons steadily decreased" -> "illness as a reason for absence steadily decreased"
Explanation: "Illness reasons" is vague and unclear. "Illness as a reason for absence" specifies what is decreasing, enhancing clarity and precision.
"family responsibility accounted for 20% in both 2005 and 2010" -> "family responsibility as a reason for absence accounted for 20% in both 2005 and 2010"
Explanation: Adding "as a reason for absence" clarifies what is being accounted for, enhancing the specificity and formality of the statement.
"the personal requires rose to a peak of around 20%" -> "the need for personal assistance rose to a peak of around 20%"
Explanation: "The personal requires" is unclear and awkward. "The need for personal assistance" is more specific and contextually appropriate.
"stress and unexpected problems showed a upward trend" -> "stress and unexpected problems exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Showed a upward trend" is grammatically incorrect. "Exhibited an upward trend" corrects the grammar and maintains formality.
"reaching 10% and 15% by 2010, respectively" -> "reaching 10% and 15% respectively by 2010"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "15%" corrects the punctuation, aligning with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "illness reasons steadily decreased, falling to 35% by 2010," but the graph shows that illness reasons decreased to 37% in 2010.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate data and by avoiding irrelevant details. For example, the essay could state that "illness reasons decreased from 45% in 2000 to 37% in 2010" instead of "illness reasons steadily decreased, falling to 35% by 2010." The essay could also avoid stating that "family responsibility accounted for 20% in both 2005 and 2010" as this is not accurate. The essay should focus on providing accurate information and avoid making generalizations.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The introduction provides a general overview, but the details in the body paragraphs are not clearly structured, leading to confusion about the relationships between the data points. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as "the personal requires" which should be "personal reasons." Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent; while there are attempts to separate ideas, the flow between sentences and paragraphs is not smooth, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information and ensuring clear progression of ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively and avoiding repetition will help. Additionally, clear referencing and substitution should be employed to maintain clarity. Improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically connects to the next will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe trends and data from the graph, the vocabulary used is basic and at times repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the personal requires" instead of "personal reasons," and "showed a upward trend" instead of "showed an upward trend." Additionally, there are issues with word formation and grammar that may cause some difficulty for the reader, such as "the highest reasons" which should be "the highest reason." Overall, the lexical resource does not meet the criteria for higher bands due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. Additionally, paying attention to grammatical accuracy and avoiding repetitive phrases will strengthen the overall quality of the essay. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help convey ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can be observed, which may cause difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "which make employee do not go to work" and "the personal requires rose" reflect inaccuracies in grammar and vocabulary. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences. Overall, these issues hinder the clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with appropriate subordinate clauses. It is also important to proofread for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, ensuring that sentences are clear and grammatically correct. Expanding vocabulary and using precise terms will further improve the overall quality of the writing. Practicing writing essays with varied sentence structures and seeking feedback can also be beneficial for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the proportion of reasons that cause employees not to go to work in several countries in Europe over a 10-year period from 2000 to 2010.

It is evident that health issues and family responsibilities witnessed a downward trend, whereas other reasons showed a fluctuating upward trend. During the observed period, despite the decline, illness remained the highest reason for not going to work.

As can be seen in 2000, health issues accounted for approximately 45%, which was around 20% higher than the reason of family responsibility. This was followed by personal needs, which accounted for under 15%. Finally, stress and unexpected problems accounted for 8% and 6%, respectively.

Subsequently, the reasons related to illness steadily decreased, falling to 35% by 2010. Following the same downward trend, family responsibility accounted for 20% in both 2005 and 2010. Over the same period, personal needs rose to a peak of around 20% in 2005, before decreasing thereafter. In contrast, stress and unexpected problems showed an upward trend, reaching 10% and 15% by 2010, respectively.