The chart below shows the water levels in reservations in six cities in Australia in October 2009 and October 2010.

The bar chart illustrates changes in water levels across reservoirs in six Australian cities (Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Darwin, and the Gold Coast) between October 2009 and October 2010.

Overall, Brisbane and Perth experienced significant increases in their reservoir water levels, reaching full capacity in 2010. Conversely, Sydney and Darwin saw decreases in their water levels, while Melbourne and the Gold Coast witnessed moderate increases.

In October 2009, Brisbane’s water levels stood at approximately 85%, which rose to about 100% by October 2010, indicating a substantial improvement. In contrast, Sydney experienced a decline from around 45% in 2009 to approximately 35% in 2010, signifying a notable decrease in water storage.

Melbourne saw its water levels increase notably from around 55% in 2009 to 80% in 2010, demonstrating significant progress in water storage. Perth exhibited the most remarkable change, with water levels doubling from about 50% in 2009 to 100% in 2010, showcasing exceptional improvement.

Conversely, Darwin’s water levels declined from approximately 30% in 2009 to around 20% in 2010, indicating a significant reduction in available water. Meanwhile, the Gold Coast experienced a slight increase in water levels, rising from around 65% in 2009 to 70% in 2010, suggesting relatively stable but slightly improved conditions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting graphical data, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"across reservoirs in six Australian cities" -> "in reservoirs of six Australian cities"
Explanation: The phrase "in reservoirs of" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the location of the reservoirs within the cities.
"between October 2009 and October 2010" -> "from October 2009 to October 2010"
Explanation: "From" is more commonly used in academic writing to indicate a range of dates, aligning with the formal style of the essay.
"reached full capacity" -> "reached capacity"
Explanation: "Reached capacity" is a more concise and formal expression, suitable for academic writing.
"Conversely, Sydney and Darwin saw decreases" -> "In contrast, Sydney and Darwin experienced a decrease"
Explanation: "In contrast" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Conversely," and "experienced a decrease" is more specific and formal than "saw decreases."
"moderate increases" -> "modest increases"
Explanation: "Modest" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "moderate" when describing the size of changes in data.
"stood at approximately" -> "was approximately"
Explanation: "Was approximately" is a more concise and formal way to express the measurement of a variable, fitting the academic style better.
"notable decrease" -> "significant decrease"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more precise and formal term than "notable" in academic contexts, emphasizing the importance of the decrease.
"exceptional improvement" -> "marked improvement"
Explanation: "Marked" is a more formal and precise term than "exceptional," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.
"showing" -> "indicating"
Explanation: "Indicating" is more formal and precise than "showing" in describing the nature of the data presented.
"relatively stable but slightly improved conditions" -> "relatively stable conditions with slight improvement"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "conditions with slight improvement" enhances the formal structure and clarity of the statement.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and style to better suit an academic context, ensuring precision and formality throughout the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the significant increases in Brisbane and Perth, the decreases in Sydney and Darwin, and the moderate increases in Melbourne and the Gold Coast. The essay also presents key features and bullet points, such as the specific percentage changes in water levels for each city. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed analysis of the data, such as comparing the rate of change in water levels between different cities.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data, such as comparing the rate of change in water levels between different cities. For example, the essay could state that Brisbane experienced the largest increase in water levels, while Perth experienced the second largest increase. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in water levels, such as stating that Brisbane’s water levels increased by 15%, while Perth’s water levels increased by 50%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organises information and ideas throughout, with a clear progression from an introductory overview to specific details about each city’s water levels. Each paragraph is focused on a central topic (each city), which aids coherence. Cohesive devices such as transitions ("Overall", "Conversely", "Meanwhile") and pronouns ("it", "this") are used effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences, although there are minor instances where overuse or underuse could slightly enhance cohesion. Paragraphing is mostly logical, though the transition between paragraphs could be smoother in places.

How to improve:
To enhance the coherence and cohesion score to a higher band, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay without over-reliance or under-utilisation. Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs to create a more seamless transition, maintaining a clear progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing flexibility and precision in describing the changes in water levels across different cities. There is effective use of less common lexical items such as "reservoirs," "capacity," "exhibited," "notable," "remarkable," "doubling," "showcasing," and "significant reduction," which contribute to clarity and depth of expression. The essay also shows awareness of style and collocation, using phrases like "experienced significant increases," "saw decreases," "witnessed moderate increases," and "demonstrating significant progress," which enhance the fluency and coherence of the text.

How to improve:
To strengthen the lexical resource further towards a Band 8, aim to incorporate even more sophisticated and precise vocabulary consistently throughout the essay. Pay attention to collocations and word choices to ensure accuracy and fluency, minimizing any occasional errors that may arise. Additionally, vary the sentence structures and expressions to demonstrate even greater lexical flexibility and command.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to clear and precise communication. There is generally good control of grammar and punctuation, though a few minor errors are present.

How to improve: To further improve, focus on maintaining consistency in complex sentence structures throughout the essay. Pay attention to minor errors such as punctuation inconsistencies and ensure that they do not affect the overall clarity and precision of the content.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart presents changes in water levels across reservoirs in six Australian cities (Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Darwin, and the Gold Coast) between October 2009 and October 2010.

Overall, Brisbane and Perth experienced substantial increases in their reservoir water levels, achieving full capacity by 2010. Conversely, Sydney and Darwin saw declines in their water levels, while Melbourne and the Gold Coast observed moderate increases.

In October 2009, Brisbane’s water levels were approximately 85%, rising to about 100% by October 2010, indicating significant improvement. Sydney’s water levels decreased from around 45% in 2009 to approximately 35% in 2010, reflecting a notable decline in water storage.

Melbourne’s water levels notably increased from about 55% in 2009 to 80% in 2010, demonstrating considerable progress. Perth exhibited the most remarkable change, doubling its water levels from about 50% in 2009 to 100% in 2010, showcasing exceptional improvement.

Conversely, Darwin’s water levels decreased from approximately 30% in 2009 to around 20% in 2010, indicating a significant reduction in available water. Meanwhile, the Gold Coast experienced a slight increase in water levels, rising from around 65% in 2009 to 70% in 2010, suggesting relatively stable but slightly improved conditions.