The chart illustrates the number of men and women registering in different fields in Europe in 2013.

The chart illustrates the number of men and women registering in different fields in Europe in 2013.
Overall, there were more females than males in the fields of social sciences, health, and humanities, while the opposite was true for the remaining sectors. Additionally, the majors of social sciences attracted the largest number of learners from both genders, in comparison with all other fields.
In 2013, social sciences attracted 7000 learners, with 3000 males and 4000 females, which was the highest compared to the figures for the five remaining fields. . Similarly, the majors in health and humanities also had a much higher rate of females. Specifically, in the major of health, there were only about 500 males registering, while up to 1500 females learning in. For instance, humanities- associated subjects also attracted only 1000 males but more than 1500 females studying in this year.
Looking at the other figures, the number of males engaging in engineering, science and maths were significantly higher than that of females. In the former fields, while more than 2000 men signed up for this major, only 1000 females at the same time enrolled. Additionally, in 2013, the number of male and female learners pursuing science and maths were 100 and around 5000. Moreover, the number of agricultural students was zero in both genders.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overall, there were more females than males" -> "In general, there were more females than males"
Explanation: "In general" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "Overall," which can sound slightly informal in academic writing.
"the majors of social sciences attracted the largest number of learners" -> "the field of social sciences attracted the largest number of learners"
Explanation: Using "the field of social sciences" instead of "the majors of social sciences" corrects the misuse of "majors," which typically refers to academic programs or courses within a department, not the field itself.
"which was the highest compared to the figures for the five remaining fields." -> "which was the highest compared to the figures for the other fields."
Explanation: "the other fields" is more concise and formal than "the five remaining fields," which can be seen as vague and less precise.
"Similarly, the majors in health and humanities also had a much higher rate of females." -> "Similarly, the fields of health and humanities also exhibited a significantly higher proportion of females."
Explanation: "exhibited a significantly higher proportion of females" is more precise and formal than "had a much higher rate of females," which is somewhat colloquial.
"For instance, humanities- associated subjects also attracted only 1000 males but more than 1500 females studying in this year." -> "For example, humanities-associated subjects attracted only 1000 males but more than 1500 females in this field in 2013."
Explanation: "For example" is more appropriate than "For instance" in academic writing. Also, specifying "in this field in 2013" clarifies the context and provides necessary detail.
"the number of males engaging in engineering, science and maths were significantly higher than that of females" -> "the number of males engaging in engineering, science, and mathematics was significantly higher than that of females"
Explanation: Adding "mathematics" for clarity and consistency, and changing "were" to "was" for subject-verb agreement with "number."
"In the former fields, while more than 2000 men signed up for this major, only 1000 females at the same time enrolled." -> "In these fields, more than 2000 men registered, while only 1000 females did so at the same time."
Explanation: "registered" is more precise than "signed up," and "did so" is a more formal way to express simultaneous action.
"Moreover, the number of male and female learners pursuing science and maths were 100 and around 5000." -> "Moreover, the numbers of male and female learners pursuing science and mathematics were 100 and approximately 5000."
Explanation: "approximately" is more formal than "around," and "mathematics" should be used instead of "maths" for consistency in formal writing.
"the number of agricultural students was zero in both genders" -> "there were no students in agriculture in both genders"
Explanation: "there were no students in agriculture" is a more concise and formal way to express the absence of students in a particular field.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, highlighting the key features of the data. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and includes some irrelevant details. For example, the essay states that "the number of agricultural students was zero in both genders," which is not a key feature of the data and is not relevant to the overall trend.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the key features of the data and providing more detailed analysis. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why there are more females in social sciences, health, and humanities, and why there are more males in engineering, science, and maths. The essay could also provide a more detailed comparison of the number of male and female learners in each field.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear overall progression and arranges information and ideas coherently. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical. For example, the phrase "Specifically, in the major of health, there were only about 500 males registering, while up to 1500 females learning in" is awkward and disrupts the flow. Additionally, there are minor issues with referencing and substitution, such as "learners pursuing science and maths were 100 and around 5000," which could be clearer. The paragraphing is used but not always logically, as seen in the somewhat abrupt transition between discussing humanities and other fields.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. For example, instead of "Specifically, in the major of health," consider "In particular, the health field saw a significant gender disparity."
Clear Referencing: Ensure that referencing is clear and consistent. For instance, "learners pursuing science and maths were 100 and around 5000" could be revised to "the number of learners pursuing science was 100, while around 5000 were enrolled in maths."
Logical Paragraphing: Improve the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a clear central topic within each paragraph. For example, the discussion of humanities could be better integrated with the overall comparison of gender distribution across fields.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It uses some less common vocabulary, such as "illustrates," "engaging," and "pursuing," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, particularly in phrases like "learning in" and "humanities-associated subjects." While the overall communication is clear, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "humanities- associated" (which should not have a space) and "the majors of social sciences" (which could be more naturally phrased). These errors, while not severely impeding communication, do detract from the overall lexical quality of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise word choices. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions relevant to the topic can also improve fluency and flexibility. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and word formation errors will help in achieving a higher band score. Engaging with academic texts and practicing paraphrasing can further develop lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to provide a clear overview and detailed comparisons, but the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation detracts from the overall accuracy and fluency of the writing. For example, phrases like "learning in" and "humanities-associated subjects" are awkwardly constructed, and there are issues with punctuation, such as the unnecessary period before "Similarly" and inconsistent use of commas.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and awkward phrasing. Increasing the variety of complex sentence structures and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly will also help. Additionally, practicing the use of cohesive devices and connectors can improve the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In 2013, social sciences attracted 7,000 learners, comprising 3,000 males and 4,000 females, which was the highest figure among the five remaining fields. Similarly, the majors in health and humanities also had a significantly higher rate of female registrants. Specifically, in the health major, there were only about 500 males registering, while up to 1,500 females were enrolled. For instance, humanities-associated subjects attracted only 1,000 males but more than 1,500 females studying in that year.

Looking at the other figures, the number of males engaging in engineering, science, and maths was significantly higher than that of females. In these fields, while more than 2,000 men signed up, only 1,000 females enrolled at the same time. Additionally, in 2013, the number of male and female learners pursuing science and maths was 100 and around 5,000, respectively. Moreover, the number of agricultural students was zero for both genders.