The chart shows information about the actual and expected figures of population in three cities, Jakarta, Sao Paulo, and Shanghai.

In bar chart illustrates the proportion of adults in the UK who are internet users from 2003 to 2006. Internet usage of juveniles from 16 to 24 reached a peak and over the age of 65 that is the opposite over the 4 years.

In the internet usage of the teenager in that 4 years has the highest percentage at the point of 80% and above. Its figure is more than double and triple. compared to the 55 to 64 and over 65 age group, respectively. It is noticeable that The proportion of internet users over the age of 65 reached a bottom of 0% in 2003.

By contrast, the two age groups using the internet increased gradually over 4 years: 25 to 44 and 45 to 54, respectively. According to the chart, there is a coincidence that the number of internet users in both groups was equal in 2006 at about 80%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
Explanation: Adding "The" before "bar chart" improves the grammatical correctness and clarity of the sentence.
"who are internet users" -> "who use the internet"
Explanation: Using "use the internet" is more concise and grammatically correct than "are internet users."
"Internet usage of juveniles" -> "Internet usage among young adults"
Explanation: "Juveniles" typically refers to individuals under the age of 18, while "young adults" encompasses the age range mentioned (16 to 24) and sounds more formal.
"over the age of 65 that is the opposite over the 4 years" -> "aged 65 and above, which contrasts over the 4 years"
Explanation: "Over the age of 65" is more succinctly expressed as "aged 65 and above." Also, "that is the opposite over the 4 years" is unclear; "which contrasts over the 4 years" better conveys the intended meaning.
"In the internet usage of the teenager" -> "Regarding internet usage among teenagers"
Explanation: "In the internet usage of the teenager" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Regarding internet usage among teenagers" provides a smoother transition and clearer expression.
"at the point of 80% and above" -> "peaking at 80% and above"
Explanation: "At the point of" is redundant when referring to percentages. "Peaking at" is a more precise expression.
"Its figure is more than double and triple" -> "The figure is more than double and triple"
Explanation: Removing "Its" and using "The" instead clarifies the subject of the sentence.
"compared to the 55 to 64 and over 65 age group, respectively" -> "compared to the age groups of 55 to 64 and 65 and above, respectively"
Explanation: This change provides clearer parallelism and avoids confusion by specifying the age groups being compared more explicitly.
"It is noticeable that The proportion" -> "Notably, the proportion"
Explanation: "It is noticeable that" is redundant. "Notably" serves the same purpose more efficiently.
"reached a bottom of 0%" -> "reached a minimum of 0%"
Explanation: "Reached a bottom" is less precise than "reached a minimum" when referring to percentages.
"By contrast, the two age groups using the internet increased gradually over 4 years" -> "In contrast, internet usage among the two age groups increased gradually over 4 years"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision.
"there is a coincidence that" -> "it is coincidental that"
Explanation: "There is a coincidence that" is awkward. "It is coincidental that" is more natural.
"the number of internet users in both groups was equal in 2006 at about 80%" -> "both groups had an equal number of internet users in 2006, approximately at 80%"
Explanation: This revision provides smoother flow and clarifies the comparison.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to address the task by describing the data presented in the chart, but it falls short in covering all key features and bullet points. While it mentions some trends in internet usage across different age groups over the four-year period, the presentation lacks clarity and coherence. There are inaccuracies in the description, such as stating "the proportion of internet users over the age of 65 reached a bottom of 0% in 2003," which is not supported by the data. Additionally, the essay fails to provide a clear overview or highlight key features effectively.

How to improve:
To improve the score, the essay should focus on accurately presenting the data without introducing irrelevant information. Clear and concise descriptions of trends and comparisons between age groups should be provided, ensuring that key features are highlighted appropriately. Additionally, the essay should avoid inaccuracies and ensure coherence in the presentation of information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information about internet usage in the UK from 2003 to 2006, focusing on different age groups. However, the coherence and cohesion of the essay are lacking. The information is not arranged coherently, leading to confusion for the reader. There is no clear progression in the response, as the essay jumps between different age groups without establishing a logical flow. Additionally, the essay lacks clear paragraphing, making it difficult to distinguish between different ideas.

The use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, contributing to the overall lack of cohesion. While some attempts are made to connect ideas, such as mentioning the contrast between age groups, these connections are not developed effectively. Furthermore, the essay lacks referencing and substitution, leading to repetitive language and unclear transitions between sentences.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing the information logically and establishing a clear progression in the essay. Start by introducing the main topic and providing an overview of the data before discussing specific age groups. Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas and develop each paragraph around a central theme.

Ensure that cohesive devices are used accurately to connect ideas and create smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive language by using referencing and substitution effectively. Finally, proofread the essay to ensure clarity and coherence throughout.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, often relying on basic terms and repetitive language. There are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the text, which can hinder understanding. Additionally, the essay lacks sophistication in lexical features and fails to convey precise meanings effectively.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms relevant to the topic. They should also focus on using words accurately and appropriately, avoiding repetition. Furthermore, paying attention to spelling and word formation will help improve clarity and readability. Reading more academic or advanced texts can assist in expanding vocabulary and understanding nuanced word usage. Additionally, practicing writing essays with a focus on vocabulary variety and accuracy can contribute to overall improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to convey information about a bar chart; however, there are numerous grammatical errors and inaccuracies throughout the text, which significantly impede communication. Simple sentence structures dominate, with limited use of complex structures. Punctuation is often faulty, and errors predominate, causing difficulty for the reader in understanding the content.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on using a wider range of sentence structures, including both simple and complex forms. Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to ensure accuracy and clarity. Practice constructing sentences with greater complexity and precision to enhance communication. Additionally, strive for consistency and coherence in presenting information to enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart delineates the evolution of internet usage among adults in the UK across the span of four years, from 2003 to 2006. Notably, it portrays a clear contrast in internet adoption between different age demographics.

Beginning with the younger cohort, internet usage among teenagers, aged 16 to 24, exhibited a remarkable surge, surpassing the 80% threshold and demonstrating a significant increase over the four-year period. Conversely, individuals aged 65 and above experienced a starkly contrasting trend, with internet usage plummeting to 0% in 2003, indicating a notable digital divide.

Delving into the age brackets between 25 and 54, a steady rise in internet utilization is evident over the same timeframe. Specifically, both the 25 to 44 and 45 to 54 age groups witnessed a gradual but consistent increase in internet usage, culminating in approximately 80% adoption rates by 2006.

Moreover, an intriguing convergence emerges in 2006, where the proportions of internet users among the 25 to 44 and 45 to 54 age brackets reached parity, aligning at around 80%, signifying a notable sociotechnical shift.

In summary, while internet usage soared among teenagers and moderately rose among adults aged 25 to 54, a substantial digital disparity persisted for individuals aged 65 and above. This disparity underscores the importance of addressing digital inclusion initiatives to ensure equitable access to online resources across all age groups.