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The chart shows the depth of snow in a particular ski resort in Canada in three years.

The chart shows the depth of snow in a particular ski resort in Canada in three years.

The bar chart give informations about the monthly snow depth in a ski resort in the Canada in three separated years.
Overall, the depth of snow from February to April was the highest in both three years. The snow depth in Year Two fluctuated the most, compared to other years.
In November, snow depth in year three was the highest, followed by figures for year one and year two, which were 100 cm and around 90 cm respectively. The period from November to February saw a significant rise in the depth of snow Year one and year three, going up to around 440 cm and 350 cm respectively. Likewise, the figure for Year two grew sharply to 400 cm, after a slight drop in December.
However, in April, the ski resort witnessed a rapid increase in the snow depth in Year two, it rose to around 470 cm, making it the deepest snow depth in both three years. By contrast, there was a dramatic fall in the depth of snow in year one and year three. While the figure for year one was somewhere in the vicinity of 400 cm, the figure for year three was 300 cm.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The bar chart give informations" -> "The bar chart provides information"
    Explanation: "Give informations" is grammatically incorrect. Using "provides information" is a more precise and grammatically sound alternative.

  2. "in the Canada" -> "in Canada"
    Explanation: "The Canada" is incorrect; use the preposition "in" before "Canada" to indicate the location properly.

  3. "three separated years" -> "three separate years"
    Explanation: "Separated" should be replaced with "separate" to correctly convey the idea of distinct or individual years.

  4. "The depth of snow" -> "The snow depth"
    Explanation: This change streamlines the expression by using "snow depth" instead of "depth of snow."

  5. "fluctuated the most" -> "exhibited the greatest fluctuations"
    Explanation: "Fluctuated the most" can be refined to "exhibited the greatest fluctuations" for a more formal and precise description of variability.

  6. "followed by figures for year one and year two" -> "followed by respective figures for years one and two"
    Explanation: Using "respective" clarifies that the figures correspond to the mentioned years.

  7. "which were 100 cm and around 90 cm respectively" -> "measuring 100 cm and approximately 90 cm, respectively"
    Explanation: This revision provides a more formal and concise expression of the snow depth measurements.

  8. "the period from November to February" -> "the period spanning November to February"
    Explanation: Replacing "from" with "spanning" adds a more dynamic and comprehensive description of the time period.

  9. "saw a significant rise" -> "experienced a substantial increase"
    Explanation: Using "experienced a substantial increase" conveys a more sophisticated tone compared to "saw a significant rise."

  10. "Likewise, the figure for Year two grew sharply" -> "Similarly, the measurement for Year Two experienced a sharp increase"
    Explanation: This revision enhances formality and precision by replacing "Likewise" with "Similarly" and specifying "Year Two" instead of "Year two."

  11. "it rose to around 470 cm" -> "rising to approximately 470 cm"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and clarity.

  12. "making it the deepest snow depth in both three years" -> "establishing it as the greatest snow depth over the three-year period"
    Explanation: This change provides a more comprehensive and formal description of the snow depth’s significance.

  13. "By contrast, there was a dramatic fall" -> "Conversely, there was a drastic decline"
    Explanation: "By contrast" can be replaced with "Conversely" for variety, and "drastic decline" adds a more impactful description than "dramatic fall."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the monthly snow depth in a Canadian ski resort over three years. The key features, such as the highest snow depth in February to April and the fluctuation in Year Two, are clearly presented. The essay effectively highlights the main trends, differences, and stages, such as the rise in snow depth from November to February and the rapid increase in Year Two’s snow depth in April.

How to improve:
To enhance the essay and achieve a higher band score, consider providing more detailed and varied vocabulary to describe the trends and key features. Additionally, ensure a more consistent and accurate use of grammar and sentence structure throughout the essay. Aim to extend the analysis of key features to provide a more thorough examination of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The overall structure is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The sequencing of information is logical, progressing through the years and months systematically. Additionally, there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as transition words, to link ideas. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is a bit mechanical, and there’s room for improvement in creating a smoother flow between sentences.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices more naturally. Ensure that the relationships between sentences and ideas are clear and avoid repetitive use of certain words or phrases. Work on refining the paragraphing to create a more logical and seamless progression of information. Overall, strive for a more polished and sophisticated use of language to elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, and the writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, although there are some inaccuracies. There is a mix of accurate and inaccurate word choices, such as "give informations" instead of "provides information," and "in the Canada" instead of "in Canada." Additionally, there are spelling errors, such as "informations" instead of "information." The use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, and some sentences lack complexity.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision. Careful attention to word choice, spelling, and word formation is essential. Additionally, aim for more varied sentence structures to enhance fluency and overall language control. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors is crucial to minimize inaccuracies that may impact communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, but the language lacks full flexibility and accuracy. The essay is generally clear in its communication, but there are notable grammatical errors and some inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with article usage (e.g., "the Canada"), and there are minor punctuation errors throughout the text. Despite these errors, the meaning is not significantly distorted.

How to improve:

  1. Article Usage: Be mindful of using articles appropriately. In this essay, it should be "in Canada" instead of "in the Canada."
  2. Punctuation: Review punctuation rules, paying attention to proper comma usage and sentence structures. Consider refining your understanding of when to use commas and how they impact sentence flow.
  3. Accuracy: Carefully proofread to catch minor errors that may affect accuracy. In this essay, there are instances where the choice of words and phrasing could be improved for better precision.

Overall, a higher band score can be achieved by refining the grammar, ensuring accurate word choice, and enhancing punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart provides information regarding the monthly snow depth at a ski resort in Canada over three distinct years.

Overall, the snow depth reached its peak between February and April in all three years. Notably, Year Two exhibited the greatest fluctuations compared to the other years.

In November, the snow depth was highest in Year Three, surpassing Year One by 100 cm and Year Two by approximately 90 cm. The period from November to February witnessed a substantial increase in snow depth for both Year One and Year Three, reaching around 440 cm and 350 cm, respectively. Simultaneously, the figure for Year Two experienced a notable surge to 400 cm, following a slight dip in December.

However, come April, Year Two witnessed a remarkable upswing in snow depth, reaching around 470 cm, making it the most substantial depth recorded in the three-year span. In contrast, there was a significant decrease in snow depth for both Year One and Year Three. While Year One’s depth was approximately 400 cm, Year Three’s figure dropped to 300 cm.

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