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The chart shows the proportion of people in a UK survey carried out in three different years who said they were interested in certain sports.

The chart shows the proportion of people in a UK survey carried out in three different years who said they were interested in certain sports.

The graph illustrates the percentage of British residents who had a preference for six different sports in three years. Overall, the number of citizens in a UK opted for football, swimming and rugby experienced an upward trend while that of other categories was a reserved pattern. Furthermore, football was the most common sport that most of surveyed people opted for in three mentioned years.

In terms of football, swimming and rugby, starting at 40%, the number of participants opting for football was the most popular activity in 1995 , followed by than that of rugby and swimming, at around 24% and nearly 22%, respectively. This figure increased gradually to approximately 25% in 2005, which is the highest figure throughout the period. Despite a brief dip, the percentage of rugby participants rose considerably to roughly 22%, which had a comparable percentage with that of swimming in 2005.

Turning to other categories, precisely a quarter of participants liked snooker, which was relatively higher than that of tennis, at under 30%. The former decreased significantly by around 8% in 2005 and surpassed the latter, at over 20%. The number of citizens in the United Kingdom opted for golf, contributing to below 18% all surveyed years.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the number of citizens in a UK opted for football" -> "the number of UK citizens opting for football"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "the number of UK citizens opting for football" improves clarity and aligns with standard English word order.

  2. "followed by than that of rugby and swimming" -> "followed by rugby and swimming, which were at around 24% and nearly 22%, respectively"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. By rephrasing to "followed by rugby and swimming, which were at around 24% and nearly 22%, respectively," the sentence becomes more accurate and maintains coherence.

  3. "This figure increased gradually to approximately 25% in 2005, which is the highest figure throughout the period." -> "This figure gradually increased to approximately 25% in 2005, representing the peak during the entire period."
    Explanation: Adjusting the word order and providing a more precise expression like "representing the peak during the entire period" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  4. "Despite a brief dip, the percentage of rugby participants rose considerably to roughly 22%" -> "Despite a brief decline, the percentage of participants engaged in rugby significantly increased to approximately 22%."
    Explanation: The use of "engaged in rugby" is more precise, and the phrase "significantly increased" adds more emphasis than "rose considerably."

  5. "Turning to other categories, precisely a quarter of participants liked snooker" -> "Turning to other categories, exactly 25% of participants favored snooker"
    Explanation: The revision provides a more precise and formal expression by replacing "liked" with "favored" and specifying the percentage as "exactly 25%."

  6. "which was relatively higher than that of tennis, at under 30%" -> "which was comparatively higher than the preference for tennis, standing at below 30%"
    Explanation: The revised version uses "preference for tennis" for clarity and replaces "relatively higher" with "comparatively higher" for a more formal tone.

  7. "The former decreased significantly by around 8% in 2005 and surpassed the latter, at over 20%" -> "Snooker experienced a significant decrease of approximately 8% in 2005 and surpassed tennis, reaching over 20%."
    Explanation: Reframing the sentence with specific references to "snooker" and "tennis" adds precision and clarity to the statement.

  8. "The number of citizens in the United Kingdom opted for golf, contributing to below 18% all surveyed years." -> "The percentage of UK citizens opting for golf remained consistently below 18% throughout all the surveyed years."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "The percentage of UK citizens opting for golf remained consistently below 18% throughout all the surveyed years" improves clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay effectively covers the main requirements of the task by providing an overview of the trends in sports preferences among British residents over three years. It identifies key sports and their changing percentages over time, highlighting football, swimming, rugby, snooker, tennis, and golf. The overview offers a clear presentation of the main trends and differences in sport preferences, capturing the upward trends of football, swimming, and rugby while delineating the reserved patterns in other categories. The essay’s structure supports a logical flow of information.

How to improve: To further enhance the score, consider extending the analysis beyond the descriptive nature. Strengthen the essay by providing more nuanced insights, such as reasons behind the fluctuations, potential influencing factors, or comparisons between the sports’ popularity across the years. Additionally, ensure precise usage of percentages to avoid ambiguities in data interpretation. Further elaboration on the significance or implications of these trends could elevate the essay’s depth and analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization of information, and there is a clear overall progression in presenting the data. The introduction sets the context by mentioning the topic and the years covered in the survey. The body paragraphs follow a logical order, discussing football, swimming, rugby, snooker, tennis, and golf in turn. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit structure, such as separating the analysis for each sport into distinct paragraphs.

Cohesive devices are used effectively for the most part, connecting ideas within sentences. For instance, the transitions between years and sports are generally clear. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as the sentence "Despite a brief dip, the percentage of rugby participants rose considerably to roughly 22%," where the connection between the dip and the subsequent rise could be better articulated. Additionally, there is room for improvement in referencing, as some pronouns like "the former" and "the latter" might cause confusion for the reader.

Paragraphing is used, but not always logically. For instance, the discussion of snooker and tennis is contained within the same paragraph, which could be divided for better clarity. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single aspect or sport to enhance coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure a clear and consistent paragraph structure. Each paragraph should ideally address one sport or a specific aspect of the data.
  2. Work on more precise referencing to avoid confusion. Instead of using pronouns like "the former" and "the latter," explicitly state the sports being referred to.
  3. Strengthen transitional sentences to enhance the overall flow between ideas and years.
  4. Consider refining sentence structures for improved clarity, especially when connecting ideas across sentences.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices used to convey the information. There is a clear attempt to incorporate less common lexical items, such as "opted for," "experienced an upward trend," and "reserved pattern." However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation that slightly affect precision. For instance, the phrase "the number of citizens in a UK" could be improved to "the number of UK citizens." Additionally, there is a small error in the sentence "followed by than that of rugby," where the word "than" is unnecessary.

Spelling and word formation are generally accurate, with only minor errors, such as the repetition of "than" in the mentioned sentence. The essay is cohesive and coherent, maintaining a logical flow of ideas throughout.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, focus on refining word choices and collocations for greater precision. Review sentences for unnecessary words and ensure that comparisons are made using appropriate structures. Proofread carefully to eliminate minor errors, such as the repetition of words like "than." Overall, continue using a wide range of vocabulary while paying attention to accuracy and precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a mix of both simple and complex sentence structures. There’s an effort to provide a varied sentence style, including some complex sentence forms alongside simpler ones. The essay communicates the general trends in the data, outlining the shifts in percentages for different sports across the surveyed years.

However, there are noticeable errors in sentence construction and language usage. Some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing, while others contain inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation. These errors occasionally hinder the overall communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and precision. Review and revise sentence constructions to minimize errors and improve the fluency of expression. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, appropriate word choices, and punctuation to strengthen the overall coherence of the essay. Consider varied sentence structures and strive for more accurate usage throughout the text.

Bài sửa mẫu

Introduction:
The provided chart delineates the percentage of individuals in the United Kingdom expressing interest in six distinct sports across the years 1995, 2000, and 2005. It is evident that football, swimming, and rugby witnessed an upward trajectory in popularity, contrasting with a more reserved pattern observed in the other sporting categories.

Overview:
Notably, football emerged as the predominant choice among surveyed participants in all three years, reaching its pinnacle at approximately 25% in 2005. Meanwhile, rugby and swimming also experienced an increase, with rugby participants constituting nearly 22% in 2005, akin to the percentage of swimming enthusiasts. Conversely, the interest in snooker, tennis, and golf showed variations across the surveyed period.

Detailed Analysis:
Concerning football, swimming, and rugby, the initial preference stood at 40%. Football consistently held the lead, peaking at 25% in 2005. Rugby witnessed a significant surge after a brief dip, culminating at around 22%, equating the percentage of swimming enthusiasts in 2005.

In contrast, other sports displayed divergent trends. A quarter of respondents favored snooker initially, surpassing tennis, which was just under 30%. However, snooker experienced an 8% decline by 2005, positioning it slightly above tennis, which maintained an interest level of over 20%. Golf, with less than 18% interest across all surveyed years, demonstrated a lower overall preference compared to the other sports.

In conclusion, the data underscores the sustained popularity of football, swimming, and rugby, while also highlighting the fluctuating interests in snooker, tennis, and golf over the surveyed period.

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