The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts compare how common purposes of phone use by surveyed adolescents varied among four activities in a specific African nation in 4 years, from 2016 to 2019.
Overall, most teenagers allocated their time using phones to social networking, other activities comprise smaller percentages. Additionally, each reason’s rate witnessed slight changes, but to varying extents.
A majority of teenagers devoted their time to online communities and electronic mail. The rate of social platforms predominantly topped the list over 4 years, initially taking up 50% in 2016. Despite a small decline to 48% in 2017, the figure dramatically increased by 6% to 56% in 2019. Email held the second rank of time used by adolescents over the 4 years. In 2016, email usage constituted a quarter of surveyed teenagers’s time. However, the figure gradually declined 5 units to 20% by 2018 and then registered 19% in 2019.
Adolescents dedicated less time to remaining activities. Looking at digital cameras, the time used for this activity accounted for 15% in the first year surveyed, which remained stable in the next year and saw an increase of 5%, reaching 20% at the end of the period. Conversely, the survey reported that 1 out of 10 teenagers spent time on the phone calling in 2016. Although the figure went up by 3% in 2017, it declined slightly by 2% in the next year and continued to decrease, reaching just 5% in 2019, more than ten times less than the time used for social networks.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "common purposes of phone use" -> "common objectives of phone usage"
   Explanation: "Objectives" is a more precise and formal term compared to "purposes," aligning better with the academic tone of the essay.
2. "teenagers allocated their time using phones" -> "teenagers devoted their time to utilizing phones"
   Explanation: "Devoted their time to utilizing" is a more sophisticated and precise phrase compared to "allocated their time using," enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.
3. "The rate of social platforms predominantly topped the list" -> "The prevalence of social platforms consistently ranked highest"
   Explanation: "Prevalence" and "ranked highest" offer more specificity and clarity, respectively, compared to "rate" and "topped the list."
4. "constituted a quarter of surveyed teenagers’s time" -> "accounted for a quarter of the time spent by surveyed teenagers"
   Explanation: Restructuring the phrase and using "time spent by surveyed teenagers" instead of "teenagers’s time" improves clarity and conciseness.
5. "remaining activities" -> "other activities"
   Explanation: "Other activities" is a clearer and more concise term compared to "remaining activities."
6. "the time used for this activity accounted for 15%" -> "the proportion of time dedicated to this activity was 15%"
   Explanation: "Proportion of time dedicated to" is a more formal and precise phrase compared to "time used for."
7. "1 out of 10 teenagers spent time on the phone calling" -> "One in ten teenagers engaged in phone calls"
   Explanation: "Engaged in phone calls" is a more descriptive and active phrase compared to "spent time on the phone calling." Additionally, "one in ten" is a more precise expression than "1 out of 10."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features and making relevant comparisons. It provides a clear overview of the main trends in phone use among teenagers in the African country from 2016 to 2019. The essay effectively highlights key features such as the predominant use of social networking, the decline in email usage, the stable usage of digital cameras, and the decrease in phone calling. However, some details could be more fully extended, particularly in providing additional context or analysis for the trends observed.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could expand on the reasons behind the observed changes in phone usage patterns, such as societal or technological influences. Additionally, providing a conclusion that synthesizes the trends observed across the years would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes the information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the survey results, facilitating clarity and coherence. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, aiding the flow of information. Additionally, there is a clear central topic within each paragraph, ensuring coherence and cohesion.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that referencing and substitution are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay. Finally, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure logical organization and coherence within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the information effectively. It utilizes a variety of terms related to phone usage and demographics, such as "adolescents," "online communities," "digital cameras," and "surveyed teenagers," which enhances the lexical resource. There’s also an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary, such as "constituted," "predominantly," and "survey reported," contributing to a broader lexical range.

Furthermore, the essay shows awareness of style and collocation by using phrases like "dedicated less time," "remained stable," and "saw an increase," which contribute to the fluency and flexibility of expression. While occasional errors in word choice and word formation are present (e.g., "constituted" instead of "comprised," "the rate of social platforms predominantly topped the list" could be phrased more succinctly), they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource further, the writer could aim for more varied and precise vocabulary choices. Additionally, paying closer attention to word choice and collocation could help minimize occasional inaccuracies and improve the overall sophistication of expression. Moreover, simplifying complex phrases where possible could enhance clarity without sacrificing lexical richness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, using a variety of complex structures to convey information effectively. The sentences are mostly error-free, contributing to clear communication. Complex structures, such as subordinate clauses, are utilized appropriately, enhancing the essay’s coherence and cohesion.

How to improve: To further improve, pay attention to minor errors and strive for even greater accuracy. Also, ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Additionally, consider varying vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the overall richness of the language.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts depict the usage patterns of teenagers’ phones across four different activities in a specific African nation from 2016 to 2019. Primarily, the focus of phone usage among adolescents was on social networking, with other activities representing smaller percentages. Moreover, there were slight fluctuations in the rates of each activity over the specified period.

Social networking emerged as the predominant activity, constituting 50% of teenagers’ phone usage in 2016. Although there was a minor decrease to 48% in 2017, this was followed by a significant increase to 56% in 2019.

Electronic mail, on the other hand, held the second position in terms of time spent by adolescents on their phones. It accounted for 25% of usage in 2016 but gradually declined to 19% by 2019.

Regarding other activities, the utilization of phones for digital camera purposes remained relatively stable, with a slight increase from 15% in 2016 to 20% in 2019. Conversely, phone calls saw a decline from 10% in 2016 to 5% in 2019.

Overall, social networking dominated teenagers’ phone usage throughout the years surveyed, followed by electronic mail, digital camera usage, and phone calls, in descending order of prevalence.