The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.

The provided charts illustrate the number of students participating in 3 distinct types of dance classes along with the location of these classes in a town in Australia in the current year.
Looking first at the location of dance classes, private studios witness a substantial figure which accounts for 48% of the location. This is distantly followed by school halls where dance classes are taken place with 24%, compared to community halls and others with 18% and college-based studios with 10%.
Regarding the remaining chart, ballet and modern dance classes are attractive to children of different age groups. The former is more attractive to the younger group of children with 600 participants under 11 and 300 participants at the age of 11-16, while the latter exhibits the opposite trend with 300 joiners under 11 and over 500 joiners at the age of 11-16. Moreover, tap classes are popular with children in both age groups, reported at approximately 420-450 students.
From the overall perspective, it is readily evidence that most dance classes are located at private studios while the opposite is true in the case of college-based studios. In addition, it is noticeable that children under 11 years old have a strong affection for ballet whereas children from 11-16 years old have more interested in modern

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided charts illustrate" -> "The charts provided illustrate"
Explanation: Moving "the" to the end of the phrase improves the grammatical structure and aligns with formal academic style by placing the definite article after the noun phrase.
"substantial figure" -> "substantial number"
Explanation: "Figure" can be vague in this context; "number" is more specific and appropriate for describing quantities in statistics.
"distantly followed by" -> "followed closely by"
Explanation: "Distantly" is not a standard term and can be confusing. "Followed closely by" is the correct and clear expression for indicating proximity in ranking.
"taken place" -> "held"
Explanation: "Taken place" is an awkward and incorrect construction. "Held" is the correct verb for describing events or activities occurring at a location.
"joiners" -> "participants"
Explanation: "Joiners" is an informal and less precise term; "participants" is the standard academic term for individuals involved in an activity.
"it is readily evidence" -> "it is readily evident"
Explanation: "Evidence" should be "evident" to correctly form the adjectival phrase needed in this context.
"have a strong affection for" -> "prefer"
Explanation: "Have a strong affection for" is overly emotional and informal for academic writing. "Prefer" is a more neutral and precise term.
"have more interested in" -> "are more interested in"
Explanation: "Have more interested in" is grammatically incorrect. "Are more interested in" corrects the verb agreement and maintains formal tone.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the charts, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents an overview of the main features of the charts, but it does not fully extend the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "ballet is more attractive to the younger group of children" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "ballet is more attractive to the younger group of children, with 600 participants under 11 compared to 300 participants at the age of 11-16." The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the charts. For example, the essay could compare the popularity of different types of dance classes across different age groups.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical. The referencing could be clearer, particularly in the transition between the discussion of locations and types of dance classes. Paragraphing is present but not always logically structured, which affects the overall flow of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between ideas, perhaps by using more varied cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between paragraphs are smoother. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to clearly delineate between different aspects of the data (e.g., locations vs. types of dance) would help in presenting a more organized response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, effectively conveying the main ideas regarding the location and types of dance classes. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "witness" and "attractive," but these are not always used accurately or in the most natural context. There are also some errors in word choice, such as "joiners" instead of "participants," and "strong affection for ballet" could be expressed more naturally. Additionally, there are minor spelling and grammatical issues, such as "evidence" instead of "evident" and "more interested" instead of "more interest." These errors do not severely impede communication but indicate a need for improvement in lexical accuracy and control.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. Practicing the use of synonyms and ensuring correct collocations will help. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can improve overall clarity. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, they do not significantly hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the opposite is true in the case of college-based studios" and "the remaining chart" are somewhat unclear or imprecise. Additionally, there are minor errors in punctuation and word choice, such as "the former is more attractive" which could be better expressed. Overall, the essay shows a reasonable command of grammar, but the errors present suggest that it does not reach the higher bands.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a broader range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical and punctuation errors.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that all ideas are expressed clearly and precisely, avoiding vague phrases or awkward constructions.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify and improve on specific weaknesses in grammar and structure.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts illustrate the number of students participating in three distinct types of dance classes, along with the locations of these classes in a town in Australia in the current year.

Looking first at the location of dance classes, private studios account for a substantial 48% of the total. This is followed by school halls, where dance classes are held, with 24%, compared to community halls and others at 18%, and college-based studios at 10%.

Regarding the remaining chart, ballet and modern dance classes attract children from different age groups. The former is more appealing to the younger cohort, with 600 participants under 11 years old and 300 participants aged 11-16. In contrast, modern dance shows the opposite trend, with 300 participants under 11 and over 500 participants aged 11-16. Moreover, tap classes are popular among children in both age groups, with approximately 420-450 students reported.

From an overall perspective, it is evident that most dance classes are located in private studios, while the opposite is true for college-based studios. Additionally, it is notable that children under 11 years old have a strong preference for ballet, whereas children aged 11-16 show greater interest in modern dance.