fbpx

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time doing housework and households in one country between 1920 and 2019.

The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time doing housework and households in one country between 1920 and 2019.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first line graph illustrated the percentage of those who owned some certain household electrical furniture whereas the second one presented the amount of hours each individual spent for housework weekly.
As can be seen from the first graph, all of the machines became a trend when applying to the housework throughout the past 99 years, as a result, people spent less times cleaning the house comparing to the past.

Refrigerator, which was 0% used in 1920, tended to be a trend in 1940, making up over 50% and increased sharply up to 90% in the next 20 years, then hit a peak at 100% in 1980, although this number remained stable until 2000,there is no clue of using them until 2019 . Besides, washing machine and vacuum cleaner used witnessed a moderate upward trend. In the past, people spend around 35% using them with the housework, after 40 years, while vacuum was still a trend, reached a peak at 100% in 2000 and remained stable since then, washing machine received a frustration and until 2019, around 70% of households applied them.

Back to the level of housework, in 1920, 50% of the time in a week was used for housework personally, in the period of 40 years, this feature fell down significantly, making up just 20% in 1960 and kept going down till 2000. Finally, it hit the bottom at 10% in 2019

Vocabulary Improvements

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “The first line graph illustrated” -> “The initial line graph depicted”
    Explanation: Replacing “illustrated” with “depicted” introduces a more formal and precise term, enhancing the overall sophistication of the sentence.
  2. “some certain household electrical furniture” -> “specific household electrical appliances”
    Explanation: Substituting “some certain” with “specific” and “furniture” with “appliances” results in a more precise and less redundant phrase, contributing to clarity and conciseness.
  3. “amount of hours each individual spent for housework weekly” -> “weekly hours allocated to household chores by each individual”
    Explanation: The revised phrase employs a more formal structure and replaces the preposition “for” with “allocated to,” improving the overall fluency and professionalism of the sentence.
  4. “Refrigerator, which was 0% used in 1920” -> “The usage of refrigerators, starting at 0% in 1920,”
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a clearer and more organized presentation of information. Additionally, replacing “Refrigerator” with “The usage of refrigerators” enhances clarity.
  5. “tended to be a trend in 1940” -> “emerged as a prevailing trend in 1940”
    Explanation: Substituting “tended to be a trend” with “emerged as a prevailing trend” elevates the level of formality and precision in expressing the popularity of refrigerators.
  6. “making up over 50%” -> “constituting more than 50%”
    Explanation: The replacement of “making up” with “constituting” contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression, aligning with the academic tone of the essay.
  7. “increased sharply up to 90%” -> “experienced a substantial rise, reaching 90%”
    Explanation: The suggested modification introduces more descriptive language, providing a clearer picture of the upward trend in refrigerator usage.
  8. “although this number remained stable until 2000,there is no clue of using them until 2019” -> “Although this percentage remained stable until 2000, there is no indication of usage until 2019.”
    Explanation: Correcting punctuation and phrasing improves the sentence’s coherence and readability. Additionally, replacing “clue of using” with “indication of usage” enhances precision.
  9. “witnessed a moderate upward trend” -> “observed a modest upward trajectory”
    Explanation: Substituting “witnessed” with “observed” and “trend” with “trajectory” elevates the language’s sophistication and maintains a formal tone.
  10. “received a frustration” -> “experienced a decline”
    Explanation: Replacing “received a frustration” with “experienced a decline” offers a more accurate and formal expression of the decline in washing machine usage.
  11. “Back to the level of housework” -> “Returning to the realm of household chores”
    Explanation: The suggested modification introduces a more formal and varied expression, enhancing the overall quality of the transition.
  12. “this feature fell down significantly” -> “this aspect witnessed a substantial decline”
    Explanation: Substituting “fell down significantly” with “witnessed a substantial decline” provides a more refined and formal description of the decrease in the mentioned aspect.
  13. “making up just 20% in 1960” -> “constituting only 20% in 1960”
    Explanation: Replacing “making up just” with “constituting only” contributes to a more formal and precise description of the percentage in 1960.

 

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task and provides a clear overview of the main trends and differences in ownership of electrical appliances and time spent on housework in one country between 1920 and 2019. It effectively presents and highlights key features and bullet points, such as the increasing ownership of electrical appliances and the decreasing time spent on housework over the years.

However, there are some areas for improvement. The explanation could be more detailed, especially regarding specific data points and years. For instance, it mentions the trends in ownership of appliances like the refrigerator, washing machine, and vacuum cleaner, but it would be more informative if it included exact percentages for these appliances in different years. Additionally, there are minor grammatical and clarity issues in the essay that could be improved for better readability and precision.

How to improve:

  1. Include specific data points and percentages for each appliance and year to provide a more detailed analysis.
  2. Pay attention to grammatical and clarity issues to ensure the essay is easy to understand.
  3. Provide a more thorough comparison of the two line graphs, highlighting significant trends and changes over the years.
  4. Avoid using vague terms like “there is no clue of using them until 2019” and provide a clearer explanation of the data.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the data but could benefit from more precision and detail to reach a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The overall organization is clear, with a logical progression of ideas. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect sentences and ideas. The essay is divided into paragraphs, contributing to a structured presentation. The writer attempts to provide an overview of the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and the time spent on housework over the years. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as unclear reference and the use of informal language.

How to improve:

  1. Clarity of Referencing: Ensure that pronouns and references are clear to avoid any confusion. For example, in the sentence, “this feature fell down significantly,” it is not entirely clear what “this feature” refers to.
  2. Formal Language: Maintain a formal tone throughout the essay. Phrases like “hit the bottom” could be replaced with more formal expressions such as “reached its lowest point.”
  3. Sentence Structure: Work on sentence structure for more variety. Some sentences are lengthy and complex, which can affect clarity. Break down complex ideas into simpler sentences for better understanding.
  4. Grammatical Accuracy: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy. For instance, in the sentence “although this number remained stable until 2000, there is no clue of using them until 2019,” there is a lack of clarity and grammatical precision.

Overall, the essay shows promise but needs refinement in terms of coherence, cohesion, and language use to reach a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, covering the key aspects of the charts. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as “trend,” “peak,” and “moderate upward trend,” showing some variety. However, there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as “Refrigerator, which was 0% used in 1920,” which could be expressed more precisely. Additionally, there are errors in word choice and word formation, such as “washing machine received a frustration,” which is unclear. Spelling errors, like “hit a peak at 100% in 1980,” also detract from the overall lexical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer should focus on using vocabulary more accurately. Precision in expressing ideas is crucial. Instead of saying, “Refrigerator, which was 0% used in 1920,” a clearer expression would be “The usage of refrigerators was negligible in 1920.” Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors, as well as refining the choice of less common vocabulary, can contribute to a more polished and accurate essay.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with Band 6 criteria. The use of various sentence structures is evident in sentences like, “Refrigerator, which was 0% used in 1920, tended to be a trend in 1940,” and “Back to the level of housework, in 1920, 50% of the time in a week was used for housework personally.” However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing throughout the essay. For example, “all of the machines became a trend when applying to the housework” and “witnessed a moderate upward trend” could be improved for clarity. The essay’s use of vocabulary and complex structures is somewhat limited, and there are instances of imprecise word choices and lack of article usage, such as “the first line graph illustrated” and “some certain household electrical furniture.”

The essay’s control of grammar and punctuation is decent but not entirely error-free. There are issues with subject-verb agreement (“all of the machines became a trend”), tense consistency (“making up over 50% and increased sharply up to 90%”), and article usage (“a trend in 1940” would be more appropriate). Overall, the essay does convey the intended meaning, but the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing do affect communication to some extent.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim for more accuracy and clarity in sentence structure and grammar. Expanding the range of vocabulary and using appropriate articles (e.g., “the first line graph illustrated the percentage of those who owned certain household electrical appliances”) would also be beneficial. Proofreading for grammatical errors and refining sentence structures can lead to a more polished and precise essay.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Revised IELTS Task 1 Report:

The provided charts depict the evolution of household electrical appliance ownership and the time dedicated to housework in a particular country from 1920 to 2019.

Introduction:
The two line graphs offer insights into the changing patterns of ownership for specific household electrical appliances and the corresponding weekly hours devoted to housework by individuals.

Overview:
Over the 99-year period, a notable surge in the adoption of household appliances is evident, leading to a reduction in the time allocated to housework.

Detailed Analysis:

Electrical Appliance Ownership:
The refrigerator, nonexistent in 1920, gained traction post-1940, surpassing 50%, and rapidly reaching 90% by 1960. The peak of 100% ownership was achieved in 1980, sustaining stability until 2000. Interestingly, no data is available for refrigerator usage beyond this point. Both washing machine and vacuum cleaner exhibited a steady increase, with vacuum cleaners peaking at 100% in 2000 and maintaining stability thereafter. Conversely, washing machine usage experienced a decline, yet by 2019, approximately 70% of households still utilized this appliance.

Time Allocation for Housework:
In 1920, individuals spent 50% of their weekly time on housework, witnessing a substantial decrease to 20% by 1960 and a continual decline until 2000. Ultimately, in 2019, the time allocated to housework hit a record low of 10%.

In conclusion, the data underscores a transformative shift in the ownership of electrical appliances, with a concurrent reduction in time devoted to housework over the nearly century-long period.

 

Phản hồi

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT