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The charts below show the Medical research funding amount in millions of Dollars in Someland and also shows the death number for this area. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graphs below. Write at least 150 words.

The charts below show the Medical research funding amount in millions of Dollars in Someland and also shows the death number for this area.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graphs below.
Write at least 150 words.

The provided charts present the association between governmental disbursement for research into six different diseases measured in millions of US dollars and the casualty rates resulting from these illnesses gauged in millions of cases in Someland in the year 1990.
Overall, tuberculosis received the smallest amount of state funds thus accounted for the majority of surveyed dead cases.
Tuberculosis was the deadliest ailment with approximately 1.8 million death counts in Someland in 1990. In the interim, the death toll of the remainders went nowhere beyond 0.5 million cases. Particularly, AIDS-the disease whose research practice was most heavily invested, resulted in a low of 0.4 million deaths which was only second to that of Leprosy.
For the same surveyed year, a striking 1.75 million citizens in Someland lost their life due to tuberculosis, making it the most fatal disease among all surveyed ailments. None of the fatality rates caused by the five remaining diseases went beyond 0.5 million cases, however. In particular, merely 0.2 million people succumbed to AIDS-the disease whose research practice was most heavily funded, only second to that of leprosy


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "governmental disbursement" -> "governmental expenditure"
    Explanation: Replacing "governmental disbursement" with "governmental expenditure" is a more precise term, as it specifically refers to the money spent by the government, enhancing the accuracy of the description.

  2. "casualty rates" -> "mortality rates"
    Explanation: Substituting "casualty rates" with "mortality rates" is a more formal and accurate term to describe the number of deaths resulting from illnesses, contributing to a more sophisticated tone.

  3. "gauged" -> "measured"
    Explanation: Using "measured" instead of "gauged" is a more common and appropriate term in the context of presenting data, improving clarity and readability.

  4. "dead cases" -> "fatalities"
    Explanation: Replacing "dead cases" with "fatalities" is a more formal and precise term, conveying the seriousness of the situation in a more sophisticated manner.

  5. "aided" -> "AIDS"
    Explanation: Correcting "aided" to "AIDS" ensures the accurate representation of the disease, maintaining consistency and precision in the essay.

  6. "went nowhere beyond" -> "exceeded"
    Explanation: Substituting "went nowhere beyond" with "exceeded" adds a more formal and precise touch, conveying that the death toll of the remaining diseases did not surpass a certain limit.

  7. "low of 0.4 million deaths" -> "a mere 0.4 million deaths"
    Explanation: Adding "a mere" before "0.4 million deaths" emphasizes the comparatively low number, providing a nuanced and refined expression.

  8. "whose research practice was most heavily invested" -> "that received the highest research funding"
    Explanation: Changing "whose research practice was most heavily invested" to "that received the highest research funding" offers a clearer and more direct way to convey the idea of substantial research support.

  9. "fatality rates" -> "mortality rates"
    Explanation: Substituting "fatality rates" with "mortality rates" maintains consistency and precision in terminology, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

  10. "succumbed to" -> "perished from"
    Explanation: Replacing "succumbed to" with "perished from" adds variety to the language and imparts a more formal tone to the description of deaths due to AIDS.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay provides a generally clear overview of the medical research funding and death numbers for six diseases in Someland in 1990. It effectively covers the key features and bullet points of the charts, presenting information about the diseases, funding amounts, and death counts. The essay appropriately highlights the fact that tuberculosis received the smallest funding yet had the highest death count, offering a relevant insight into the data.

However, the presentation could be more fully developed. There is room for improvement in extending the discussion of key features and providing more detailed insights. The essay mentions that AIDS had the second-highest death count but could benefit from elaborating on the significance of this finding. Additionally, the language used in some parts is a bit repetitive, and there are minor grammatical issues that could be addressed.

How to improve:

  1. Elaborate on key features: Extend your discussion on the key features, providing more details and insights about each disease and its corresponding funding and death numbers.
  2. Avoid repetition: Ensure that your language is varied and does not repeat unnecessarily. Look for opportunities to express ideas in different ways.
  3. Clarify and refine language: Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure to enhance the overall clarity and precision of your writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent and logically organized structure. The introduction succinctly presents the main topic, and there is a clear overall progression in discussing the funding and death numbers for different diseases. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences. For example, the use of the term "remainders" may cause confusion, and the transition between paragraphs is not seamless. Additionally, there is some repetition of information, such as the mention of AIDS being the disease with the most funding twice in the essay.

The use of cohesive devices is effective in some parts, but there are instances where cohesion may be faulty or mechanical. For example, the phrase "went nowhere beyond" may be considered awkward, and the connection between sentences could be smoother. The essay employs paragraphing, but it is not consistently logical, and there are areas where the organization could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve:

  1. Sentence Cohesion: Pay attention to the flow between sentences. Ensure that ideas are linked smoothly, avoiding awkward phrasing or repetition.
  2. Paragraph Structure: Review paragraph organization to enhance logical progression. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic, and transitions between paragraphs should be seamless.
  3. Avoid Redundancy: Be mindful of repeating information. In this essay, there is repetition regarding AIDS being the most funded disease, and it could be presented more concisely.

Overall, refining sentence-level cohesion, paragraph structure, and minimizing redundancy will contribute to a more cohesive and polished essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering key terms related to medical research funding, diseases, death counts, and statistical figures. Some less common vocabulary, such as "ailment," "casualty rates," and "fatality rates," is attempted, contributing to variety. The use of numbers and quantitative language is appropriate in conveying information.

However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, as seen in the phrase "the death toll of the remainders," which could be better expressed as "the death toll of the other diseases." Additionally, there are spelling errors, such as "low" instead of "few" and "In the interim" instead of "Meanwhile." These inaccuracies do not impede communication but affect the overall precision of expression.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choices and collocations. It is essential to use vocabulary accurately to convey precise meanings. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors is crucial to maintain fluency and improve the overall quality of expression. Employing a wider range of vocabulary, particularly in academic contexts, would further strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, showcasing some variety in sentence formation. There’s an attempt to convey information using a range of vocabulary and structures, although some sentences could benefit from greater clarity. The essay mostly communicates the intended information about the data presented in the charts but contains grammatical issues and imprecise expressions that occasionally hinder the overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Precision: Work on refining grammar to reduce errors and increase accuracy. Ensure sentences are structured clearly for better comprehension.
  2. Clarity and Precision: Aim for more precise and accurate expressions to avoid confusion or ambiguity in conveying information.
  3. Sentence Structure: Strive for a more consistent and varied sentence structure to enhance the overall fluency and readability of the essay.

Revising for clearer expression, grammatical accuracy, and structural variety will help improve the essay’s overall quality and better meet the criteria for higher bands.

Bài sửa mẫu

Dear University Lecturer,

The provided charts illustrate the allocation of governmental funding for medical research across six distinct diseases, measured in millions of US dollars, alongside the corresponding number of fatalities caused by these illnesses in Someland in the year 1990.

Overall, tuberculosis, despite receiving the least financial support from the government, recorded the highest mortality rate among the surveyed diseases. Specifically, approximately 1.8 million deaths in Someland were attributed to tuberculosis in 1990. Conversely, the remaining diseases resulted in fatalities ranging no higher than 0.5 million cases. Notably, AIDS, which received the most substantial research funding, experienced a relatively lower death toll of 0.4 million cases, ranking second only to leprosy.

Tuberculosis emerged as the most fatal ailment, claiming the lives of 1.75 million Someland citizens in the surveyed year. Contrastingly, the fatalities caused by the other five diseases did not exceed 0.5 million cases individually. Particularly noteworthy is the relatively lower death toll of 0.2 million individuals attributed to AIDS, despite being the recipient of significant research investment, second only to leprosy.

In conclusion, tuberculosis stands out as the most lethal disease in Someland during 1990, despite receiving the least financial backing for research.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

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