The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23 - 65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23 – 65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given pie charts demonstrate how much percentage people who were from 23 to 65 years old in the UK in general and in Ashby in particular worked in different jobs in 2008. In general, most population in the UK in that age range worked in official buildings while citizens in Ashby interested in jobs related to service.
It can be seen that there was 19% of white-collar workers in the whole UK. This is followed by 17% for both personal services and technical work. Having the same ranking and accounting for the least percentage were unemployed and construction work with 10%. Besides that the nation recorded that the shop work and professional work made up 13% and 14% respectively.
According to the statistical data in Ashby, 21% was the highest proportion of dwellers in such town working in the service industry. This figure was more than three times than that having skilled jobs, at 8%. While this town had the same percentage of people whose jobs associated with building compared to the country in the questioned time, the unemployment rate in the town was higher, with 14%. The remaining categories including office work, shop work, technical work was 18%, 14%, 9% respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"how much percentage people who were from 23 to 65 years old in the UK in general and in Ashby in particular worked in different jobs" -> "the percentage of individuals aged 23 to 65 in the UK and specifically in Ashby who were employed in various occupations"
Explanation: The phrase "how much percentage" is awkward and incorrect; "the percentage of individuals" is more precise. "People who were from 23 to 65 years old" is simplified to "individuals aged 23 to 65," which is more formal. "Worked in different jobs" is replaced with "employed in various occupations" for academic tone.
"most population in the UK in that age range worked in official buildings" -> "the majority of the population in the UK within that age range was employed in administrative roles"
Explanation: "Most population" is grammatically incorrect; "the majority of the population" is more appropriate. "Worked in official buildings" is vague; "employed in administrative roles" provides clarity and specificity.
"19% of white-collar workers in the whole UK" -> "19% of the workforce in the UK"
Explanation: "White-collar workers" is a specific term that may not encompass all employed individuals; "the workforce" is broader and more inclusive. "Whole UK" is informal; "the UK" suffices.
"the least percentage were unemployed and construction work with 10%" -> "the lowest percentages were attributed to unemployment and construction, each at 10%"
Explanation: "Least percentage" is awkward; "lowest percentages" is more natural. "Were unemployed and construction work" is unclear; "were attributed to unemployment and construction" clarifies the relationship.
"the nation recorded that the shop work and professional work made up 13% and 14% respectively" -> "the data indicated that retail and professional occupations constituted 13% and 14%, respectively"
Explanation: "The nation recorded that" is overly informal; "the data indicated that" is more academic. "Shop work" is replaced with "retail" for precision, and "made up" is changed to "constituted" for a more formal tone.
"21% was the highest proportion of dwellers in such town working in the service industry" -> "21% represented the highest proportion of residents in that town employed in the service industry"
Explanation: "Was" is replaced with "represented" for clarity. "Dwellers" is informal; "residents" is more appropriate. "Such town" is vague; "that town" is clearer.
"more than three times than that having skilled jobs" -> "more than three times greater than the proportion of individuals in skilled occupations"
Explanation: "More than three times than that having" is awkward; "more than three times greater than the proportion of individuals in" is clearer and more formal.
"the same percentage of people whose jobs associated with building compared to the country in the questioned time" -> "the same percentage of individuals employed in construction as that of the national average during the specified period"
Explanation: "The same percentage of people whose jobs associated with building" is unclear; "the same percentage of individuals employed in construction" is more precise. "Compared to the country in the questioned time" is awkward; "as that of the national average during the specified period" is clearer and more formal.
"the remaining categories including office work, shop work, technical work was 18%, 14%, 9% respectively" -> "the remaining categories, including office work, retail, and technical occupations, accounted for 18%, 14%, and 9%, respectively"
Explanation: "The remaining categories including" should have a comma after "categories." "Shop work" is replaced with "retail" for precision. "Was" is incorrect; "accounted for" is the appropriate verb for this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends or differences between the two charts. For example, the essay states that "the nation recorded that the shop work and professional work made up 13% and 14% respectively" but does not compare this to the figures for Ashby. The essay also does not highlight the key features of the data in a clear and appropriate way. For example, the essay states that "the unemployment rate in the town was higher, with 14%" but does not compare this to the unemployment rate in the UK as a whole.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends and differences between the two charts. The essay could also be improved by highlighting the key features of the data in a more clear and appropriate way. For example, the essay could state that "the unemployment rate in Ashby was higher than the unemployment rate in the UK as a whole, at 14% compared to 10%." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "the nation recorded that the shop work and professional work made up 13% and 14% respectively," the essay could say "the UK average for shop work was 13% and for professional work was 14%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the data from Ashby and the UK, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the flow of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not logically structured, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring paragraphs around central topics, ensuring each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. Improving the use of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, would help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, providing a clearer introduction and conclusion would help frame the information more effectively, guiding the reader through the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "white-collar workers," "personal services," and "service industry," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "most population" instead of "most of the population." While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, there are noticeable errors in word choice and some spelling issues, like "dwellers" which could be more appropriately replaced with "residents." Overall, the vocabulary is adequate but lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise terms. They can practice using synonyms and varying sentence structures to avoid repetition. Additionally, paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct word forms will help improve clarity and fluency. Reading more academic texts or high-quality essays can also provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and expressions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While it attempts to convey information clearly, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "most population" and "the same ranking and accounting for the least percentage" are grammatically incorrect or unclear. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas, which detract from the overall clarity of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and improving sentence variety. This can be done by practicing complex sentence constructions and ensuring that subject-verb agreement is maintained. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and awkward phrasing would enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Using more precise vocabulary and clearer comparisons would also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given pie charts illustrate the percentage of individuals aged 23 to 65 engaged in various occupations in the UK as a whole and in the town of Ashby in 2008. Overall, a larger proportion of the UK population in this age range was employed in white-collar jobs, while residents of Ashby showed a preference for service-related occupations.

It can be observed that 19% of the workforce in the entire UK comprised white-collar workers. This was followed by personal services and technical work, each accounting for 17%. The lowest percentages were recorded for unemployment and construction work, both at 10%. Additionally, shop work and professional roles constituted 13% and 14%, respectively.

In Ashby, the service industry represented the highest proportion, with 21% of residents employed in this sector. This figure was more than three times that of those in skilled jobs, which stood at 8%. While the percentage of individuals engaged in construction work in Ashby was the same as that in the UK overall, the unemployment rate in Ashby was higher at 14%. The remaining categories, including office work, shop work, and technical work, accounted for 18%, 14%, and 9%, respectively.