the charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The graph illustrates the proportion of employed males and females in the age of 60-64 across four different countries during the 30-year period spanning from 1970 to 2000.
Overall, it is noticeable that both genders experienced a decrease in employment throughout the years. While Japan maintained the leading position in terms of employment rate over the years, Belgium consistently recorded the lowest rate. It can be seen that the proportion of men remained employment was also higher than that in the remaining gender.
In 1970, Japan constituted the highest male employment rate, with 85% of them being employed. Despite exhibiting the slight declining trend to 74% in 2000, Japan also emerged as the leading position with the highest level of males participation throughout the years. It can be observed that the remaining countries experienced a downward trend in male employment, with Belgium dropped significantly to 19% in 2000.
Regarding the employment rate for women in this cohort after 30 years, Japan also recorded the highest figure with 43% in 1970 and then declined by 3% in 2000. In addition, USA ranked the second position in this category, beginning with 36% and ending with 39% over the period given. In 1970, the figure for Australia was double that of Belgium, standing at 16% and 8% respectively. However, while Australia exhibited an increasing trend by 2%, Belgium went an opposite trend with a slight downward tendency to 7% in 2000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"employed males and females" -> "male and female employees"
Explanation: Using "male and female employees" instead of "employed males and females" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning better with academic style by specifying the subject of employment directly.
"the age of 60-64" -> "the age range of 60-64"
Explanation: "The age range of 60-64" is more precise and formal, as it correctly describes the inclusive nature of the age range, which is preferable in academic writing.
"it is noticeable" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more academically appropriate term than "it is noticeable," which can sound slightly informal and vague.
"remained employment was also higher" -> "employment rates remained higher"
Explanation: "Employment rates remained higher" is clearer and more direct, avoiding the awkward construction of "remained employment was also higher," which is grammatically incorrect.
"slight declining trend" -> "slight decline"
Explanation: "Slight decline" is a more concise and formal way to describe a gradual decrease, suitable for academic contexts.
"males participation" -> "male participation"
Explanation: "Male participation" should be singular to match the singular noun "participation," as "males" is a plural noun.
"dropped significantly" -> "significantly decreased"
Explanation: "Significantly decreased" is a more formal and precise way to describe a substantial reduction, fitting better in academic writing.
"this cohort" -> "this demographic"
Explanation: "This demographic" is a more precise term than "this cohort," which is typically used in a more specific context of research or study groups.
"ranked the second position" -> "ranked second"
Explanation: "Ranked second" is more concise and formal, avoiding the unnecessary preposition "the" in "the second position."
"beginning with 36% and ending with 39% over the period given" -> "starting at 36% and ending at 39% over the given period"
Explanation: "Starting at" and "ending at" are more precise and formal than "beginning with" and "ending with," and "the given period" is more appropriate than "the period given," which is less clear.
"went an opposite trend" -> "followed an opposite trend"
Explanation: "Followed an opposite trend" is grammatically correct and more formal, whereas "went an opposite trend" is incorrect and informal.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with the standards of academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "Japan constituted the highest male employment rate, with 85% of them being employed" but does not provide any further details about this trend. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the fact that "Australia exhibited an increasing trend by 2%".

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the decline in employment rates for both men and women. The essay could also provide a more detailed comparison of the employment rates in the four countries.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs provide relevant details about the employment rates of men and women in the specified countries. However, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as the use of phrases like "it can be seen" and "it can be observed," which may detract from the overall fluidity of the writing. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, the organization within paragraphs could be improved for clearer logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on varying cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and natural. Improving the logical structure within paragraphs by grouping related ideas together and using topic sentences effectively would also contribute to a clearer progression. Lastly, reducing redundancy in phrasing and ensuring that referencing is clear will strengthen the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "constituted," "cohort," and "downward trend," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "remained employment" instead of "employment remained." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Belgium dropped significantly" which could be better phrased as "Belgium experienced a significant drop." These errors do not severely impede communication but do affect clarity and precision.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further and ensuring that word choices are appropriate and precise. Additionally, minimizing errors in spelling and word formation will enhance clarity. Using a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that collocations are accurate would also contribute positively to the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective uses of complex structures, the essay also contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the proportion of men remained employment" and "Belgium dropped significantly to 19%" reflect issues with grammatical accuracy. Overall, the errors do not severely impede communication, but they are frequent enough to prevent a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and refining sentence structures. Increasing the variety of complex sentences and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct will also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion. Additionally, improving clarity and coherence in phrasing will help convey ideas more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the proportion of employed males and females aged 60-64 across four different countries during the 30-year period from 1970 to 2000. Overall, it is noticeable that both genders experienced a decrease in employment over the years. While Japan maintained the leading position in terms of employment rates throughout this period, Belgium consistently recorded the lowest rate. It can be seen that the proportion of employed men was also higher than that of women in all countries.

In 1970, Japan had the highest male employment rate, with 85% of men being employed. Despite a slight decline to 74% in 2000, Japan remained the leader with the highest level of male participation throughout the years. In contrast, the other countries experienced a downward trend in male employment, with Belgium dropping significantly to 19% in 2000.

Regarding the employment rate for women in this age group after 30 years, Japan also recorded the highest figure, with 43% in 1970, followed by a decline of 3% in 2000. Additionally, the USA ranked second in this category, starting at 36% and ending at 39% over the given period. In 1970, the figure for Australia was double that of Belgium, standing at 16% and 8%, respectively. However, while Australia exhibited an increasing trend of 2%, Belgium showed an opposite trend with a slight decline to 7% in 2000.