The charts below show the performance of a bus company in terms of punctuality, both actual and target (what actually happened compared to what the company was trying to achieve), and the number of complaints from passengers.
The charts below show the performance of a bus company in terms of punctuality, both actual and target (what actually happened compared to what the company was trying to achieve), and the number of complaints from passengers.
The graph below delineates the performance of a public transport company in terms of punctuality, both in real life and in theoretical ( what actually occurred compared to what the company was attempting to reach), and the figure of complaints from customers. Overall, despite some fluctuations, the number of complaints remained a drastic increase, while the percentage of actual and target showed significant opposite.
The number of complaints (per thousand customers journeys) started at approximately 70 %. It had a spike to approximately 110% in a year before dropping slightly to around 90% in 2001,which soared to 120% in the next 2 years. A similar trend witnessed a gradual fluctuation before having a steady increase in 4 years.
At the beginning of the given period, the percentage of services arriving on time on target had a slow decrease from exactly 86% to approximately 84,5% in 4 years, making the actual percentage in the same year more higher than prediction.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"delineates" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: While "delineates" is not incorrect, "illustrates" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe the representation of data, making it more accessible to a broader audience. -
"theoretical ( what actually occurred compared to what the company was attempting to reach)" -> "theoretical (i.e., the intended performance versus actual performance)"
Explanation: The phrase "what the company was attempting to reach" is vague. "Intended performance versus actual performance" provides clarity and precision, aligning better with academic language. -
"a drastic increase" -> "a significant increase"
Explanation: "Drastic" can imply a negative connotation, while "significant" is more neutral and appropriate for academic discourse, indicating a noteworthy change without emotional undertones. -
"the percentage of actual and target showed significant opposite" -> "the percentages of actual performance and target performance exhibited significant divergence"
Explanation: The original phrase is vague and grammatically incorrect. "Exhibited significant divergence" is more precise and formal, clearly indicating the difference between actual and target performance. -
"the number of complaints (per thousand customers journeys)" -> "the number of complaints (per thousand customer journeys)"
Explanation: "Customers journeys" is a grammatical error. The correct form is "customer journeys," which clarifies that the complaints are measured against the journeys made by customers. -
"had a spike to approximately 110% in a year" -> "increased sharply to approximately 110% within a year"
Explanation: "Had a spike" is informal. "Increased sharply" is more precise and maintains an academic tone. -
"which soared to 120% in the next 2 years" -> "which rose to 120% over the subsequent two years"
Explanation: "Soared" is informal and suggests an exaggerated rise. "Rose" is more neutral, and "over the subsequent two years" is clearer and more formal than "in the next 2 years." -
"A similar trend witnessed a gradual fluctuation before having a steady increase in 4 years." -> "A similar trend exhibited gradual fluctuations before experiencing a steady increase over four years."
Explanation: "Witnessed" is an inappropriate choice here; "exhibited" is more suitable in an academic context. "Experiencing" is a more formal alternative to "having," and "over four years" is clearer than "in 4 years." -
"the percentage of services arriving on time on target had a slow decrease" -> "the percentage of services arriving on time relative to the target experienced a gradual decline"
Explanation: "On target" is vague; "relative to the target" clarifies the comparison. "Experienced a gradual decline" is more formal and precise than "had a slow decrease." -
"making the actual percentage in the same year more higher than prediction" -> "resulting in the actual percentage for that year being higher than predicted"
Explanation: "More higher" is grammatically incorrect. "Being higher than predicted" is clearer and maintains an academic tone.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4
Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the number of complaints (per thousand customers journeys) started at approximately 70%". This is not a key feature/bullet point, but rather a detail. The essay also states that "the percentage of services arriving on time on target had a slow decrease from exactly 86% to approximately 84,5% in 4 years". This is also not a key feature/bullet point, but rather a detail.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by focusing on key features/bullet points rather than details. For example, the essay could state that "the number of complaints increased significantly over the period". This would be a key feature/bullet point. The essay could also state that "the percentage of services arriving on time on target decreased slightly over the period". This would also be a key feature/bullet point.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas but lacks coherent arrangement and clear progression. The use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between ideas. The paragraphing is confusing, with the second paragraph containing multiple ideas that are not clearly connected or logically sequenced. The essay also contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which further hinders coherence and cohesion.
How to improve:
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Organize Information Logically: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that ideas are logically sequenced. Start with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs that each discuss a specific aspect of the data, and conclude with a summary or conclusion.
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Use Cohesive Devices Accurately: Use linking words and phrases (e.g., "however," "therefore," "in addition") to clearly show the relationships between ideas. Ensure that these devices are used accurately to avoid confusion.
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Improve Paragraphing: Clearly separate different ideas into distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details.
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Enhance Clarity and Precision: Avoid vague or awkward phrasing. Use precise language to clearly convey the intended meaning. Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While there are attempts to use some less common vocabulary (e.g., "delineates," "fluctuations," "soared"), the overall lexical resource is constrained, and there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "the figure of complaints from customers" could be better expressed as "the number of complaints from customers"). Additionally, there are issues with spelling and punctuation (e.g., "approximately 70 %" should be "approximately 70%"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms relevant to the topic. Practicing the use of synonyms and ensuring correct collocation can help improve word choice. Additionally, focusing on spelling and punctuation accuracy will aid in clearer communication. Reading a wider range of texts related to the topic can also provide exposure to more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms and punctuation issues, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the number of complaints remained a drastic increase" and "the actual percentage in the same year more higher than prediction" are awkward and grammatically incorrect. These errors detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, incorporating more complex sentences while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct grammatical errors and improve punctuation would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of varied vocabulary and ensuring that ideas are expressed clearly and accurately will also contribute to a better score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The graph below delineates the performance of a public transport company in terms of punctuality, both in reality and in theory (what actually occurred compared to what the company was attempting to achieve), as well as the number of complaints from customers. Overall, despite some fluctuations, the number of complaints saw a significant increase, while the percentages of actual and target punctuality displayed a notable contrast.
The number of complaints (per thousand customer journeys) started at approximately 70%. It experienced a spike to around 110% in the year prior to dropping slightly to about 90% in 2001, before soaring to 120% in the following two years. A similar trend was observed with a gradual fluctuation before a steady increase over four years.
At the beginning of the given period, the percentage of services arriving on time, in relation to the target, showed a slight decrease from exactly 86% to approximately 84.5% over four years, resulting in the actual percentage in the same year being higher than the prediction.
Phản hồi