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The charts below show the proportion of holidaymakers using four different types of accommodations in three different years.Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the proportion of holidaymakers using four different types of accommodations in three different years.Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts depict four frequent types of lodging that individuals picked while on vacation in 1988, 1998, and 2008.

Despite a declining tendency over the course of the 20 years, staying with family remained the most preferred choice of lodging when on vacation. On the other hand, throughout time, camping lost popularity as lodging in hotels and apartments gained popularity.

52% of vacationers in 1988 opted to stay with relatives. Ten years later, this percentage increased to 54%; but, by 2008, it had fallen to 44%. In 1988, almost 25% of all vacationers choose to camp; however, this practice declined with time, reaching 12% by 2008.

In 1988, vacationers' least preferred lodging options were hotels and flats, with 15% and 7% of the total, respectively. Over the next twenty years, these numbers grew significantly, reaching a combined 22% by 2008.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "four frequent types of lodging" -> "four prevalent lodging options"
    Explanation: Replacing "frequent" with "prevalent" enhances the sophistication of the language while maintaining the meaning. "Prevalent" suggests a higher degree of popularity.

  2. "picked while on vacation" -> "selected during their vacations"
    Explanation: Using "selected during their vacations" is more precise and formal than "picked while on vacation."

  3. "Despite a declining tendency" -> "Despite a declining trend"
    Explanation: "Trend" is a more precise term for describing a pattern over time, making the sentence more concise.

  4. "staying with family remained the most preferred choice" -> "preferring to stay with family remained the most favored option"
    Explanation: "Favored" is a more advanced synonym for "preferred," which adds sophistication to the sentence.

  5. "lodging in hotels and apartments gained popularity" -> "the popularity of lodging in hotels and apartments surged"
    Explanation: "Surged" is a more dynamic verb that conveys a stronger sense of the increase in popularity.

  6. "52% of vacationers in 1988 opted" -> "In 1988, 52% of vacationers chose"
    Explanation: Using "chose" instead of "opted" is a more straightforward and commonly used term for expressing a decision.

  7. "this percentage increased to 54%" -> "this figure rose to 54%"
    Explanation: "Figure" is a more formal term for percentage, and "rose" is a more dynamic verb choice.

  8. "by 2008, it had fallen to 44%" -> "by 2008, it had declined to 44%"
    Explanation: "Declined" is a more precise term for the decrease in percentage.

  9. "almost 25% of all vacationers choose to camp" -> "nearly 25% of all vacationers opted for camping"
    Explanation: "Opted for" is a more formal and precise phrase for choosing, and "camping" is more appropriate than "camp" in this context.

  10. "Over the next twenty years" -> "During the subsequent two decades"
    Explanation: "During the subsequent two decades" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the following twenty years.

  11. "vacationers’ least preferred lodging options were hotels and flats" -> "hotels and flats were the least favored lodging choices among vacationers"
    Explanation: "Favored" is a more advanced synonym for "preferred," and rearranging the sentence structure improves clarity.

  12. "reaching a combined 22% by 2008" -> "resulting in a combined total of 22% by 2008"
    Explanation: Adding "total" clarifies the sentence, and "resulting in" is a more formal way to convey the outcome.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0 – UNDER WORD

Explanation:
The essay provides a basic overview of the data presented in the pie charts, mentioning the main trends and changes in the proportion of holidaymakers using different types of accommodations over a 20-year period. It mentions the decline in staying with family, the decrease in camping, and the increase in lodging in hotels and apartments. However, the essay lacks in-depth analysis, and the content feels quite limited.

How to improve:

  1. Expand on the key points: The essay should provide more detailed information about the data, including specific percentages and figures from the charts. This would make the analysis more comprehensive.
  2. Compare and contrast: The band descriptor mentions making comparisons where relevant. The essay should compare the proportions across the three years more explicitly and discuss any notable differences or similarities.
  3. Structure: The essay could benefit from a more structured approach, with clear sections for each accommodation type and a conclusion summarizing the main findings.
  4. Word count: Since the word count is significantly below the required length, the essay should be expanded to provide a more thorough analysis of the data, including discussing any possible reasons behind the observed trends.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear progression of ideas, with a logical organization of information. It effectively presents the main features of the data, comparing the proportions of different types of accommodations over the three specified years. The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas and create coherence within and between sentences.

The introduction sets the context by mentioning the purpose of the charts and the years they represent. Each paragraph focuses on one type of accommodation and discusses its trend over the years, making it easier for the reader to follow. The use of percentages and specific years provides clarity and coherence to the content.

However, there are some areas where improvement is needed to reach a higher band score. Cohesion within and between sentences can be more varied and sophisticated. Additionally, the essay could benefit from clearer referencing and substitution, which would enhance the overall coherence. For instance, instead of repeating "lodging" and "vacationers" frequently, more diverse vocabulary or pronoun usage could be employed.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, work on enhancing the variety of cohesive devices used. Employ a wider range of transition words and phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, strive for more precise referencing and substitution to reduce repetition and improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay. Finally, ensure that paragraphing is always logical and appropriately used.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and lexical resource usage. It effectively conveys information using a variety of words and phrases. The writer employs words like "depict," "lodging," "preferred choice," "declining tendency," "opted," "practice declined," "least preferred," and "combined," which showcase a decent level of lexical diversity.

The essay also utilizes some less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. Phrases like "staying with family," "lost popularity," "least preferred lodging options," and "gained popularity" show an attempt at using less common vocabulary to describe trends and preferences in accommodations.

There are some minor inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as the phrase "picked while on vacation" which could be improved to "chosen for their vacations." Additionally, the sentence "On the other hand, throughout time, camping lost popularity as lodging in hotels and apartments gained popularity" could benefit from more precise vocabulary to convey the idea. Overall, these inaccuracies are relatively infrequent and do not significantly hinder comprehension.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should continue to strive for more natural and precise word choices. Expanding vocabulary and employing more sophisticated lexical features will help achieve a higher band score. Additionally, maintaining consistent accuracy in word choice and collocation will further enhance the essay’s overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a fairly strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, which aligns with the criteria for Band 7. It uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex ones, such as "Despite a declining tendency over the course of 20 years" and "On the other hand, throughout time," which contribute to its overall flexibility. The majority of sentences are error-free, and the essay maintains good control of grammar and punctuation. There are only a few minor errors, such as the use of "opted to stay" instead of "chose to stay" and some slight punctuation issues. These errors do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy further, the author can focus on eliminating minor errors, such as punctuation issues and verb choices. Additionally, they can work on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance overall language flexibility and complexity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts illustrate the choices made by holidaymakers when selecting accommodation types for their vacations in the years 1988, 1998, and 2008.

Overall, it is evident that the preference for staying with family experienced a gradual decline over the two-decade period, while camping witnessed a significant decrease in popularity. Conversely, the utilization of hotels and apartments as lodging options surged during this time frame.

In 1988, the majority of vacationers, accounting for 52%, favored staying with relatives as their accommodation choice. A decade later, in 1998, this percentage slightly increased to 54%. However, by the year 2008, it had declined to 44%, indicating a downward trend over the twenty-year span.

Camping, as a lodging choice, was quite popular in 1988, with nearly a quarter of all vacationers, around 25%, opting for this option. Nevertheless, this preference sharply declined over time, plummeting to a mere 12% by 2008.

In 1988, hotels and apartments were the least favored lodging options, chosen by only 15% and 7% of vacationers, respectively. Subsequently, these figures exhibited a noteworthy increase over the next two decades, eventually reaching a combined total of 22% by the year 2008.

In summary, while staying with family remained the most preferred accommodation choice throughout the period, camping experienced a substantial decline in popularity. On the other hand, hotels and apartments saw a significant rise in demand as lodging options for vacationers over the span of twenty years.

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