the charts show the proportion of people's spending in a euroupean country was spent on different commondities and service in 1958 and 2008

The pie charts illustrate the percentage of people’s total expenditure for different basic needs in 1958 and 2008 of a European nation.

Overall, it is evident that people’s budget for clothing, food,clothing, and entertainment showed a decline. Whereas a reverse trend can be observed in the remaining categories.

In 1958, the country inhabitants’ salary was spent on food was the highest, at 32%. The figure for food, clothing , and entertainment was lower, at 22%, 18%, and 13% in their given order. Sales for travel and transport, and luxury goods, however, were the lowest two, accounting for 8% and 7% consecutively.

The total expenditure for food has undergone a significant decrease by 20% to 12% of dwellers’ gross income in 2008. Similarly, the figures for clothing and entertainment drop to 16% and 6% only. In contrast, the sales for the housing category witnessed a sustainable rise to 32% at the ending year. The percentage of money for clothing experienced a 9% rise to 17% compared to that of 10% increase for luxury items to 17% in 2008.

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Errors and Improvements:

"people’s total expenditure" -> "individuals’ aggregate spending"
Explanation: "Expenditure" is a suitable term, but "people’s total expenditure" could be refined to "individuals’ aggregate spending" for a more formal tone and specificity.
"budget for clothing, food,clothing," -> "allocation for clothing, food, and"
Explanation: There’s a repetition of "clothing" in the list. Removing the redundancy improves clarity and readability.
"a reverse trend can be observed" -> "a contrasting trend is evident"
Explanation: "Reverse trend" could be replaced with "contrasting trend" to convey the shift more precisely and elegantly.
"the country inhabitants’ salary was spent on food was the highest" -> "the highest proportion of the country inhabitants’ income was allocated to food"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. Restructuring the sentence clarifies the intended meaning and enhances readability.
"the figure for food, clothing , and entertainment" -> "the figures for food, clothing, and entertainment"
Explanation: Placing a comma before "and" ensures consistency in the list and improves grammatical accuracy.
"consecutively" -> "respectively"
Explanation: "Consecutively" implies a sequence, but "respectively" is more appropriate here to indicate the correspondence between the categories and their respective percentages.
"the sales for travel and transport, and luxury goods" -> "expenditure on travel and transport, and luxury items"
Explanation: "Sales" may not accurately represent expenditure. Using "expenditure" provides a clearer description of the money spent on these categories.
"undergone a significant decrease by 20%" -> "experienced a substantial decrease of 20%"
Explanation: "Undergone" is less precise than "experienced" in this context. Also, using "of" after "decrease" improves the structure of the sentence.
"witnessed a sustainable rise" -> "experienced a consistent increase"
Explanation: "Sustainable rise" may imply environmental sustainability rather than consistent growth. "Experienced a consistent increase" provides a clearer description of the trend.
"at the ending year" -> "by the end of the period"
Explanation: "At the ending year" is awkward. "By the end of the period" is more precise and formal.
"the percentage of money for clothing" -> "the percentage allocated to clothing"
Explanation: "The percentage of money for clothing" is awkward. "The percentage allocated to clothing" is clearer and more concise.
"experienced a 9% rise to 17%" -> "experienced a 9% increase, reaching 17%"
Explanation: Adding "reaching" clarifies the endpoint of the increase and improves sentence structure.

Incorporating these changes enhances the clarity, precision, and formality of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the spending proportions in 1958 and 2008 for various categories. It adequately presents and highlights key features, such as the changes in spending over time. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the data presentation, such as mentioning "clothing" twice in the introductory paragraph and repeating "food" in the overview paragraph. Additionally, there are some minor errors in sentence structure and clarity.
How to improve: Ensure accuracy and consistency in presenting data. Avoid repetition of information and strive for clarity in sentence construction. Consider providing a more detailed analysis of the data to further support the overview.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from discussing expenditures in 1958 to 2008. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, although there are some instances of mechanical cohesion. Paragraphing is used, but it is not always logical, as seen in the repetition of "clothing" in the opening paragraph. The central topic of each paragraph is clear, focusing on different categories of expenditure.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Avoid repetitive phrasing, such as repeating "clothing" in the introduction. Additionally, pay closer attention to logical paragraphing to enhance the overall organization and flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some repetition and errors in word choice and spelling. The writer attempts to convey the information but lacks precision and fluency in expression. There are noticeable errors in word formation and occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "Sales for travel and transport, and luxury goods," where the term "sales" might not be the most appropriate choice.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, focus on diversifying vocabulary and using more precise language. Avoid repetition, and aim for clarity in expression. Proofreading for spelling and word choice errors is essential to enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, consider using more varied sentence structures to convey ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures and shows some complexity in sentence formation. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as missing articles ("a European nation"), repeated phrases ("food, clothing"), and inconsistent use of conjunctions ("Whereas a reverse trend can be observed in the remaining categories" lacks clarity). Additionally, punctuation errors and faulty sentence structures (e.g., "Sales for travel and transport, and luxury goods, however, were the lowest two") hinder the overall clarity of communication.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, ensuring consistent and accurate use of articles, conjunctions, and punctuation. Proofreading for grammatical errors and clarity of expression is essential. Practice incorporating more complex sentence structures while maintaining accuracy to elevate the essay’s band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate the percentage of total expenditure spent on different goods and services in 1958 and 2008 in a European country.

Overall, spending on food, clothing, and entertainment decreased over the 50-year period, while spending on other categories increased.

In 1958, the largest share of the budget was allocated to food, at 32%. Clothing and entertainment followed, accounting for 22% and 13%, respectively. Meanwhile, spending on travel and transport, and luxury goods was lower, at 8% and 7%, respectively.

By 2008, spending on food had dropped significantly, from 32% to 12%. Similarly, expenditure on clothing and entertainment also decreased to 16% and 6%, respectively. In contrast, spending on housing saw a substantial increase, rising from 7% in 1958 to 32% in 2008. Moreover, spending on travel and transport rose to 9%, while luxury goods jumped from 7% to 17%.

the charts show the proportion of people’s spending in a euroupean country was spent on different commondities and service in 1958 and 2008