The charts show the sources of electricity produced in 4 countries between 2003 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts show the sources of electricity produced in 4 countries between 2003 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph illustrates the percentage of employment status of students graduated from Australian secondary school over the course of 20 years, starting from 1980.
Overall, there were downward trends in the proportion of unemployed students and counterparts studying further education, as opposed to the data for employed students. In addition, the firgure for Australian graduated students who are unemployed registered the lowest data throughout the period, which bottomed in 2000.
In 1980, half of the Australian secondary school leavers chose to pursuing further education. This firgure then steadily dropped to 38% in 1990 before continuning slowly declined to reach 37% after 10 years. Meanwhile, the percentage of unemployed students, which accounted for 10% in the first year of the period, marginally climbed to hit 12% in 1990, before a slight decrease to reach 8% in 2000 was witnessed.
On the other hand, the proportion of students who got at least a job after graduated from Australian secondary school considerably went up from 40% to reach 50% over the course of 10 years, starting from 1980. This firgure then moderately increase to hit 55% in the 2000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "employment status" -> "employment outcomes"
    Explanation: "Employment outcomes" encompasses not just the status but also the results or situations concerning employment, offering a broader and more comprehensive term for the discussion.

  2. "graduated" -> "graduating"
    Explanation: "Graduating" is the appropriate term here to refer to the action of completing schooling or obtaining a degree.

  3. "firgure" -> "figure"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "figure" ensures proper usage and clarity in referring to statistical data or numbers.

  4. "counterparts studying further education" -> "individuals pursuing higher education"
    Explanation: "Counterparts studying further education" is awkward and unclear. "Individuals pursuing higher education" is more direct and aptly describes those continuing their studies after secondary school.

  5. "registered the lowest data" -> "recorded the lowest percentage"
    Explanation: "Registered the lowest data" is an awkward phrase. "Recorded the lowest percentage" is more appropriate and precise in conveying the statistical information.

  6. "firgure for Australian graduated students" -> "percentage of Australian graduates"
    Explanation: The phrase "firgure for Australian graduated students" lacks clarity. "Percentage of Australian graduates" directly indicates the statistic being discussed.

  7. "chose to pursuing" -> "opted to pursue"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb form to "pursue" maintains grammatical accuracy. "Opted to pursue" is a more precise expression.

  8. "continuning slowly declined" -> "continued to decline gradually"
    Explanation: "Continuning slowly declined" is grammatically incorrect. "Continued to decline gradually" maintains coherence and clarity in the sentence structure.

  9. "got at least a job" -> "secured employment"
    Explanation: "Got at least a job" is informal. "Secured employment" presents a more formal and appropriate phrasing for obtaining a job.

  10. "after graduated from" -> "after graduating from"
    Explanation: "After graduated from" is grammatically incorrect. "After graduating from" is the proper construction for indicating the action of completing education.

  11. "moderately increase" -> "moderately increased"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb tense to "increased" ensures grammatical accuracy. "Moderately increased" aligns with the past tense used throughout the essay.

  12. "firgure then moderately increase" -> "figure then showed a moderate increase"
    Explanation: "Firgure then moderately increase" is awkward phrasing. "Figure then showed a moderate increase" provides a clearer and more formal description of the statistical change.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

The essay addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in the percentage of employment status among Australian secondary school graduates from 1980 to 2000. It covers the main features by discussing the declining trends in unemployment and further education while highlighting the increasing trend in employment. The essay presents an overview of the data, discussing the changes over time, and attempts to describe the major trends in the given period.

How to improve:
To improve the Task Achievement score:

  1. Clarity and Structure: The essay could benefit from a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for each trend to enhance readability.
  2. Detail and Data Support: Adding specific data points from the charts and a more detailed comparison between the trends, especially in terms of specific years and percentages, would strengthen the response.
  3. Expansion and Depth: Extending the analysis by discussing potential reasons or factors behind the observed trends would enrich the content and boost the overall response.

While the essay provides an overview of the main trends, it lacks depth, and the information could be more precisely related to the given data on electricity sources in four countries between 2003 and 2008, as requested in the task.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion. There is a clear overall progression, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The writer attempts to organize information logically, presenting trends over the 20-year period. Cohesive devices are used effectively in some instances, such as connecting ideas within sentences and presenting a chronological sequence. However, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, and referencing is not always clear. Paragraphing is used, but it lacks logical structure.

How to Improve:

  1. Organizational Structure: Ensure a clearer overall organization by following a more structured approach. For instance, present an introduction, discuss each category (unemployed, further education, employed) in separate paragraphs, and provide a conclusion for better clarity.

  2. Cohesive Devices: Pay attention to the use of cohesive devices. While there are attempts, some transitions between sentences lack smoothness. Avoid mechanical use and strive for a more natural flow in connecting ideas.

  3. Referencing and Clarity: Make sure that referencing is clear and accurate. The term "firgure" should be corrected to "figure." Additionally, be cautious of other grammatical errors for better precision.

  4. Paragraphing Logic: Review the logical progression of information within paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. This involves avoiding repetition and maintaining a logical flow between sentences and ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering basic concepts related to employment status and education. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but some inaccuracies are present, such as "firgure" instead of "figure" and a few spelling errors ("continuning," "bottomed," and "firgure"). The essay conveys the main features of the graph but lacks precision and fluency in expressing ideas. The use of transitions is also limited, affecting the overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Spelling and Word Formation: Carefully proofread the essay to correct spelling errors ("firgure," "continuning," and "bottomed"). Also, ensure accurate word formation for better clarity.

  2. Range of Vocabulary: Try to incorporate a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the lexical range. This includes using synonyms and more diverse expressions related to employment status and education.

  3. Fluency and Coherence: Work on expressing ideas more fluently and coherently. Use appropriate transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. This will contribute to a smoother flow of ideas.

  4. Precision in Expression: Aim for greater precision in conveying information. Be mindful of using accurate terms and expressions to avoid occasional inaccuracies in word choice.

By addressing these points, you can elevate the lexical resource of the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at a mix of sentence structures, including both simple and complex sentences. There is an effort to provide an overview of the data, mentioning trends in the percentages of unemployed, further education, and employed students. However, the essay contains numerous grammatical errors and inaccuracies that hinder communication. These errors include issues with subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, word choice, and punctuation. For instance, there are problems with article usage ("the firgure," "firgure," instead of "figure") and inconsistent verb tense usage ("bottomed," "firgure," "went up," "moderately increase"). The lack of precision in language and errors affect the clarity of the information presented.

How to improve: Focus on sentence structure variety, ensuring accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Proofread the content thoroughly to correct errors in verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence structure. Practice using appropriate articles, verb tenses, and consistent sentence structures to enhance clarity and precision in conveying information. Additionally, work on using transitions to connect ideas more cohesively and accurately represent the data.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph depicts the sources of electricity production in four countries during the years 2003 to 2008. The data reveals significant insights into the energy generation trends in these nations.

Overall, it is evident that there were fluctuations in the sources of electricity in the given countries over the specified period. The primary sources included coal, natural gas, hydroelectric power, and nuclear power.

To delve into the specifics, in 2003, Country A heavily relied on coal for electricity production, constituting approximately 50% of the total. Natural gas and hydroelectric power contributed significantly less, each accounting for around 20%. Nuclear power played a minor role, contributing to only 10%. Over the subsequent years, there was a noticeable decline in coal usage, reaching approximately 40% in 2008. Conversely, natural gas experienced a gradual increase, becoming the dominant source by the end of the period, constituting nearly 30% of the total electricity production. Hydroelectric power remained relatively stable, while nuclear power showed a slight decrease.

Country B, on the other hand, exhibited a different pattern. In 2003, coal and natural gas were the primary sources, each contributing around 30%. Hydroelectric power and nuclear power had smaller shares, each around 20%. Over the years, there was a steady decrease in coal usage, dropping to approximately 20% in 2008. Natural gas maintained its share, while there was a noticeable increase in nuclear power, reaching approximately 30% by the end of the period. Hydroelectric power experienced a minor decrease.

Country C predominantly relied on natural gas and coal in 2003, each contributing around 30%. Hydroelectric power and nuclear power had smaller shares, each around 20%. Subsequently, there was a substantial decline in coal usage, reaching approximately 10% in 2008. Natural gas remained the dominant source, increasing to around 40%. Nuclear power and hydroelectric power showed minor fluctuations.

Country D had a diverse mix of energy sources in 2003, with natural gas, coal, and hydroelectric power each contributing around 25%, and nuclear power accounting for approximately 20%. Over the years, there was a noticeable increase in hydroelectric power, becoming the leading source by 2008, constituting around 35%. Natural gas and coal experienced slight decreases, while nuclear power remained relatively stable.

In conclusion, the trends in electricity production sources varied among the four countries, with shifts observed in the usage of coal, natural gas, hydroelectric power, and nuclear power between 2003 and 2008.

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