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The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look. This essay will elucidate both viewpoints and illustrate my perspective that the former idea is more compelling.

Granted, coming from a well-to-do family and having desirable physical traits, certain people can have higher chances of attaining success. First, Having a good monetary base tends to make it easier for individuals to get access to high positions in an enterprise or a system since money can be utilized to bribe those in charge. Indeed, this success is not sustainable because people born in well-off families are often not ambitious as they are given almost everything they want by their rich parents. As such, they have a tendency to be indifferent to the practice of getting promoted. Second, People whose physical appearances are good might have a good chance of reaping success when engaging in certain industries such as entertainment and fashion due to being suitable for requirements for good-looking outer appearances of these industries. However, this argument is flawed because visual degradations are inescapable with age. Therefore, this is deemed unsustainable success.

On the other hand, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors leading to success. First, things that are meaningful often ask for strenuous efforts and a long duration of time to build so working industriously is of integral importance. For example, academic success does not come unless students spend endless time studying and making progress on a daily basis. Inevitably, the acquisition of success means having to overcome obstacles and failures. Therefore, individuals can only materialize their desire and become successful after having enough perseverance and persisting in their targets
To conclude, coming from well-off families and being good-looking are important to be successful only in a specific case, on other hand, hard effort is of more paramount importance to lead to success.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look." -> "Opinions vary on whether success is grounded in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and a visually appealing appearance."
    Explanation: The phrase "visual look" is redundant, and using "visual appeal" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  2. "This essay will elucidate both viewpoints and illustrate my perspective that the former idea is more compelling." -> "This essay will expound upon both perspectives and demonstrate my belief that the former notion is more compelling."
    Explanation: Replacing "elucidate" with "expound upon" and "illustrate" with "demonstrate" elevates the formality of the sentence without sacrificing clarity.

  3. "Granted, coming from a well-to-do family and having desirable physical traits, certain people can have higher chances of attaining success." -> "Granted, individuals from affluent backgrounds and possessing desirable physical traits may have a greater likelihood of achieving success."
    Explanation: Replacing "well-to-do family" with "affluent backgrounds" and rephrasing the sentence for clarity enhances the formality of expression.

  4. "Having a good monetary base tends to make it easier for individuals to get access to high positions in an enterprise or a system since money can be utilized to bribe those in charge." -> "Possessing substantial financial resources facilitates individuals’ access to prominent positions in an enterprise or system, as money can be employed to influence those in authority."
    Explanation: Using "monetary base" is less formal, and replacing it with "financial resources" contributes to a more sophisticated tone. Additionally, replacing "get access to" with "access" and "bribe" with "influence" improves the precision of the language.

  5. "Indeed, this success is not sustainable because people born in well-off families are often not ambitious as they are given almost everything they want by their rich parents." -> "Indeed, this success is not sustainable because individuals born into affluent families may lack ambition, having been provided with nearly everything they desire by their wealthy parents."
    Explanation: The phrase "born in well-off families" is less formal, and rephrasing it as "born into affluent families" maintains formality. Additionally, replacing "not ambitious" with "may lack ambition" adds nuance to the statement.

  6. "Second, People whose physical appearances are good might have a good chance of reaping success when engaging in certain industries such as entertainment and fashion due to being suitable for requirements for good-looking outer appearances of these industries." -> "Secondly, individuals with favorable physical appearances may stand a higher chance of achieving success in specific industries, such as entertainment and fashion, due to their suitability for the aesthetic demands of these sectors."
    Explanation: Replacing "People" with "individuals," using "favorable physical appearances" instead of "physical appearances are good," and refining the phrasing enhance formality and clarity.

  7. "However, this argument is flawed because visual degradations are inescapable with age." -> "Nevertheless, this argument is flawed as visual deteriorations are inevitable with age."
    Explanation: Replacing "However" with "Nevertheless" adds formality, and using "visual deteriorations" instead of "visual degradations" provides a more precise term.

  8. "On the other hand, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors leading to success." -> "Conversely, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors contributing to success."
    Explanation: Using "Conversely" instead of "On the other hand" enhances formality, while "contributing to success" is a more precise phrase than "leading to success."

  9. "For example, academic success does not come unless students spend endless time studying and making progress on a daily basis." -> "For instance, academic success is not attainable unless students invest substantial time in studying and consistently make progress."
    Explanation: Replacing "endless time" with "substantial time" and refining the structure of the sentence contribute to a more formal expression.

  10. "To conclude, coming from well-off families and being good-looking are important to be successful only in a specific case, on other hand, hard effort is of more paramount importance to lead to success." -> "In conclusion, success is contingent on being born into affluent families and possessing attractive physical traits only in specific instances; conversely, relentless effort holds greater paramount importance in achieving success."
    Explanation: Restructuring the conclusion for clarity and replacing "well-off families" with "affluent families" maintain a formal tone. Additionally, using "contingent on" instead of "important to" and "holds greater paramount importance" instead of "is of more paramount importance" enhances precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Granted, coming from a well-to-do family and having desirable physical traits, certain people can have higher chances of attaining success."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you have introduced the two viewpoints in the prompt, your position is not explicitly stated in the introduction. Clearly articulating your perspective in the introduction is crucial for a cohesive essay. Consider rephrasing the introduction to include a clear thesis statement that indicates your support for the idea that success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance.
    • Improved example: "The concept of success is often debated, with some attributing it to factors like wealth and physical appearance. However, I firmly believe that success is primarily achieved through hard work and perseverance."
  2. Quoted text: "First, Having a good monetary base tends to make it easier for individuals to get access to high positions in an enterprise or a system since money can be utilized to bribe those in charge."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument regarding the influence of wealth on success is reasonable, but the use of the term "bribe" may be too extreme and could weaken your argument. Instead, focus on how financial resources can provide advantages in terms of education, opportunities, and resources. Provide concrete examples or personal experiences to support your points.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, a strong financial foundation facilitates access to quality education and valuable opportunities, enhancing one’s ability to succeed. For instance, individuals from affluent backgrounds often have the means to invest in top-notch education and career development programs."
  3. Quoted text: "However, this success is not sustainable because people born in well-off families are often not ambitious as they are given almost everything they want by their rich parents."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you acknowledge a counter-argument, your reasoning lacks depth. Instead of a broad statement about the lack of ambition, delve into specific aspects that might hinder success, such as a sense of entitlement or the absence of a drive to excel. Support your claim with examples or personal observations.
    • Improved example: "However, this success may be short-lived as individuals born into affluent families might lack the drive to excel. The comfort of receiving everything they desire without substantial effort can lead to a complacent attitude, hindering long-term success. For instance, studies have shown that individuals who face challenges and work hard are more likely to sustain their achievements."
  4. Quoted text: "Second, People whose physical appearances are good might have a good chance of reaping success when engaging in certain industries such as entertainment and fashion due to being suitable for requirements for good-looking outer appearances of these industries."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you present a valid viewpoint, the argument lacks depth and specific examples. Elaborate on how physical appearance might be advantageous in certain industries, providing instances from real-life scenarios or anecdotes. Additionally, acknowledge that success in these industries may be limited and doesn’t apply universally.
    • Improved example: "Secondly, individuals with appealing physical traits may find success in industries such as entertainment and fashion where aesthetics play a significant role. For instance, models and actors often benefit from their attractive appearances, which align with the industry’s standards. However, it’s essential to recognize that success in these fields is niche and may not translate universally."
  5. Quoted text: "However, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors leading to success."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This statement effectively communicates your perspective, but it would be beneficial to briefly outline the reasons supporting your belief. Provide examples or anecdotes illustrating how hard work and perseverance have led to success, emphasizing the universality of these qualities.
    • Improved example: "However, my firm belief is that success is primarily driven by diligence and perseverance. History is replete with examples of individuals who, through unwavering determination and persistent efforts, have achieved remarkable success. Take inventors like Thomas Edison, whose countless attempts ultimately led to the invention of the light bulb, transforming the world."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt, and your arguments are generally well-structured. Strengthening your examples and providing more nuanced reasoning can enhance the depth of your essay, contributing to a more convincing argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a fairly clear organization and progression of ideas. It starts with an introduction that sets up the discussion about the varying interpretations of success. Each viewpoint (wealth and appearance versus hard work and determination) is presented in separate paragraphs, providing a structured approach to the discussion. The ideas within each paragraph are developed coherently, supporting the arguments logically.

There’s an attempt to use cohesive devices to link ideas within and between sentences, although there are moments where this could be further improved. For instance, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be more refined for a smoother flow of ideas. However, the central topic of each paragraph is mostly clear, aiding in the overall coherence of the essay.

Paragraphing is used sufficiently, but there’s room for improvement in the logical arrangement of paragraphs. The essay lacks a clear conclusion summarizing the main points discussed.

How to improve:

  • Strengthen the use of cohesive devices (transitions, pronouns, etc.) for better clarity and coherence.
  • Work on improving the logical progression between paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas.
  • Include a concise conclusion that summarizes the main arguments presented in the essay without introducing new information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary with attempts to use less common lexical items. There is an effort to convey ideas using diverse vocabulary, though occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are noticeable. Some less common vocabulary items are employed with awareness of style and collocation. However, there are instances where vocabulary choices could be refined for more precision, impacting fluency and accuracy. Despite occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, the essay manages to convey the intended message with clarity.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource, focus on refining vocabulary choices and ensuring better precision in word selection and collocation. Try to incorporate more sophisticated and contextually appropriate words and phrases without compromising clarity. Pay attention to spelling and word formation accuracy to minimize errors and elevate the overall quality of expression. Additionally, strive for a more seamless integration of less common vocabulary items to enhance the essay’s sophistication and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. There is a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. The writer uses complex structures and maintains good control over grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. However, some errors are present, but they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, in the sentence "visual degradations are inescapable with age," the word choice might be improved for clarity.

How to Improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures for precision. Review the use of vocabulary to ensure the chosen words precisely convey the intended meaning. Additionally, proofread the essay to catch minor errors and enhance overall clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are varying beliefs about what constitutes success. Some argue that it stems from hard work and determination, while others prioritize factors like wealth and physical appearance. This essay aims to explore both perspectives and outline my view that the former notion holds more weight.

Certainly, individuals born into affluent families or possessing appealing physical attributes might seemingly have an advantage in achieving success. Initially, a solid financial foundation can facilitate access to higher positions within organizations through potential financial influence. However, this form of success tends to be short-lived as those from affluent backgrounds may lack the ambition instilled by self-made accomplishment. Consequently, they may show indifference towards striving for progress. Similarly, individuals relying solely on physical appearance might find success in certain industries like entertainment or fashion, where outward appearance is crucial. Yet, this argument falters as visual appeal diminishes over time with age, rendering it an unsustainable pathway to success.

Conversely, dedication and persistence serve as more pivotal determinants of success. Undertaking meaningful pursuits often demands relentless effort and prolonged commitment. For instance, academic achievements necessitate consistent study and continuous advancement. Success, inevitably, involves surmounting obstacles and persevering through failures. Thus, individuals can materialize their aspirations and achieve success only through unwavering perseverance and steadfast pursuit of their objectives.

In conclusion, while being born into privilege or possessing physical attractiveness may contribute to success in specific scenarios, the enduring and fundamental factor lies in hard work.

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