The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Many people argue about the numerous ways to understand the idea of triumph in life. While some claim that hard work and willpower are more significantly important, the opposite makes a statement that having a financial background and physical appearance can be considerably more affected. Both thoughts are valid to some extent, yet I consider myself an advocate of the former.
It is indisputable with the support of a good-looking appearance or affluence, people may achieve success easily. Apparently, children having the advantage of being raised in a wealthy family can obviously have more decent opportunities than those in poor families. In particular, they can pursue such enlightening education in top-rank schools or even land a chance to study abroad which can broaden their insights about the world. Furthermore, people who have a glamorous appearance can easily land a career in occupations related to modeling, influencers, or artists. Hence, the integral of those mentioned are undeniable.
While the redeeming features are widely acknowledged, the financial background and appearance can only be supporting aspects, without the consistency of striving and making effort, no success can be achieved. More specifically, in the education years, in order to attain high performance, diligence, and studios are the only way. In later years of life, the way people’s persistent in learning new knowledge and hard work in developing their career path can assist them to thrive and succeed. For example, some people are born into wealthy families but perceive a sense of laziness and effortlessness, when they get older and have to make money for themself, they may find it impossible.
In conclusion, I believe that willpower and hard work is the main reason for people’s success in life as affluence and appearance are just supporting aspects.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"numerous ways" -> "various ways"
Explanation: "Numerous" can be replaced with "various" to maintain formality without altering the intended meaning. "Various" suggests a diverse range of ways to understand the concept of triumph.
"more significantly important" -> "more significant"
Explanation: The phrase "more significantly important" can be simplified to "more significant" without losing the intended emphasis on importance. It streamlines the sentence without redundancy.
"makes a statement" -> "asserts"
Explanation: "Makes a statement" is a bit colloquial; replacing it with "asserts" maintains formality and precision, aligning better with academic language.
"affected" -> "effective"
Explanation: "Considerably more affected" can be revised to "considerably more effective," clarifying that having a financial background and physical appearance can lead to greater effectiveness in achieving success.
"having the advantage of being raised" -> "privileged upbringing"
Explanation: Replacing the phrase with "privileged upbringing" condenses the sentence while conveying the idea that being raised in a wealthy family provides advantages.
"decent opportunities" -> "ample opportunities"
Explanation: "Decent opportunities" can be substituted with "ample opportunities," offering a more sophisticated term that denotes a generous or abundant availability of chances.
"such enlightening education" -> "high-quality education"
Explanation: The phrase "such enlightening education" can be refined to "high-quality education," maintaining clarity and formality.
"glamorous appearance" -> "aesthetic appeal"
Explanation: Replacing "glamorous appearance" with "aesthetic appeal" retains the essence of attractiveness but in a more academically suitable manner.
"the integral of those mentioned" -> "the importance of these aspects"
Explanation: "The integral of those mentioned" can be rephrased to "the importance of these aspects" for clearer articulation without losing the intended meaning.
"redeeming features" -> "beneficial aspects"
Explanation: "Redeeming features" can be substituted with "beneficial aspects" to maintain formality while conveying a similar idea of positive attributes.
"striving and making effort" -> "striving and effort"
Explanation: Simplifying "striving and making effort" to "striving and effort" retains the essence of hard work without unnecessary repetition.
"diligence, and studios" -> "diligence and focus"
Explanation: "Diligence, and studios" can be revised to "diligence and focus" for better clarity and precision in referring to dedication and concentration in studies.
"the way people’s persistent" -> "individuals’ persistence"
Explanation: Rewording to "individuals’ persistence" maintains formality and clarity, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "the way people’s persistent."
"perceive a sense of laziness and effortlessness" -> "exhibit laziness and lack of effort"
Explanation: The phrase can be refined to "exhibit laziness and lack of effort" for a clearer expression of the idea that some individuals show a lack of motivation despite their privileged backgrounds.
"make money for themself" -> "earn a living for themselves"
Explanation: "Make money for themself" can be improved to "earn a living for themselves" for a more formal and precise depiction of financial independence.
"I believe that willpower and hard work is" -> "I believe that willpower and hard work are"
Explanation: The verb should agree with the subject; "is" should be corrected to "are" to match the plural subject "willpower and hard work."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "While some claim that hard work and willpower are more significantly important, the opposite makes a statement that having a financial background and physical appearance can be considerably more affected. Both thoughts are valid to some extent, yet I consider myself an advocate of the former."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets the stage by presenting both views and stating your opinion clearly. However, it could benefit from a more precise preview of the main ideas that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. Consider providing a roadmap of the specific aspects of hard work and willpower you will address.
- Improved example: "While some argue for the paramount importance of hard work and willpower, others contend that a financial background and physical appearance wield more influence. In this essay, I will delve into the merits of both perspectives. Firstly, I will explore the role of financial background, then analyze the impact of physical appearance. Finally, I will substantiate my belief that hard work and willpower are the cornerstones of success."
Quoted text: "While the redeeming features are widely acknowledged, the financial background and appearance can only be supporting aspects, without the consistency of striving and making effort, no success can be achieved."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This paragraph effectively argues that financial background and appearance are secondary to hard work. However, the reasoning could be strengthened by providing specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate how individuals, despite having advantages in wealth or looks, still need perseverance and effort for lasting success.
- Improved example: "While it is acknowledged that a privileged background or attractive appearance can open doors, sustained success requires more than just these advantages. Take, for instance, individuals born into wealth who, lacking a strong work ethic, find it challenging to achieve success later in life. Realizing one’s potential and converting opportunities into lasting success demands consistent effort and determination."
Quoted text: "In conclusion, I believe that willpower and hard work are the main reason for people’s success in life as affluence and appearance are just supporting aspects."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion succinctly reiterates your stance, but it could benefit from a brief recap of the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. This would reinforce your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
- Improved example: "In conclusion, the foundation of success lies in unwavering willpower and diligent effort. While financial background and physical appearance can certainly contribute, their role is secondary. As discussed earlier, the consistent application of hard work and determination remains the primary driving force behind individuals achieving enduring success."
Overall, the essay is well-organized and effectively communicates your viewpoint, but enhancing the introduction and providing more concrete examples in the body paragraphs would elevate your essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at logically organizing ideas. There’s an evident progression in the discussion of success, starting with contrasting viewpoints and moving to a well-supported personal opinion. Paragraphing is adequate, with clear central topics in each paragraph. The use of cohesive devices is evident, although there are some instances of underuse or slight issues in the connections between sentences.
The introduction provides a clear overview of the two contrasting views on success. Each body paragraph elaborates on these perspectives effectively, providing examples and explanations. The conclusion neatly restates the author’s opinion and summarizes the key points discussed.
How to Improve:
- Work on enhancing the coherence between sentences by ensuring a smoother flow of ideas within and between paragraphs.
- Pay attention to the balance of cohesive devices used; avoid underuse or overuse and ensure their accurate deployment.
- Maintain consistent logical progression throughout the essay to further strengthen coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, and the candidate successfully conveys ideas using a mix of common and less common lexical items. There is a reasonable level of precision and flexibility in the language, contributing to a coherent discussion. The essay contains occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The candidate’s awareness of style and collocation is evident, and the overall lexical resource is sufficient for the task.
How to Improve: To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the candidate should aim for more consistent accuracy in word choice, spelling, and word formation. Reviewing and refining the use of uncommon lexical items, ensuring they are employed accurately, will contribute to a more sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, paying attention to sentence structures and striving for a greater variety in sentence complexity can further elevate the lexical quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and generally produces error-free sentences. There is good control of grammar and punctuation, but a few errors are present, such as "the opposite makes a statement" where it would be clearer to say "the opposing view asserts." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, like "It is indisputable with the support of a good-looking appearance or affluence," which could be more succinctly expressed as "The support of a good-looking appearance or affluence is indisputable."
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, strive for more precision in phrasing and ensure that sentence structures are clear and concise. Also, be cautious about minor errors in grammar and punctuation, as eliminating these will contribute to a higher band score. Consider a thorough proofread to catch and rectify any remaining issues.
Bài sửa mẫu
The concept of success sparks debates over various interpretations. Some argue that success hinges on hard work and determination, while others highlight factors like wealth and physical appearance as more impactful. Both perspectives hold validity, yet I align myself with the former.
Undeniably, a pleasing appearance or financial affluence can expedite success. Children born into prosperous families enjoy enhanced opportunities compared to their less privileged counterparts. They can access superior education in prestigious schools or even pursue studies abroad, broadening their worldview. Similarly, individuals with an attractive appearance may find lucrative careers in modeling, influencing, or the arts. These elements undoubtedly play a role.
However, these advantages are mere supports. Without the unwavering commitment to strive and exert effort, success remains elusive. Particularly during the formative education years, achieving excellence demands diligence and dedication. In later stages of life, persistence in learning and hard work in career development become pivotal. For instance, individuals born into wealth may falter if they lack diligence and adopt a lazy approach to life.
In conclusion, I assert that willpower and hard work serve as the primary catalysts for success, with affluence and appearance acting merely as supplementary factors.