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The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, water, etc.) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes and solutions?

The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, water, etc.) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes and solutions?

The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, water, etc.) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes and solutions?
Recent decades have witnessed the burgeoning depletion of global natural resources at a perilous rate. An underlying driver behind the consumption at an unprecedented pace will be explored in this essay, which will also propose a certain workable and radical remedy.
Undeniably, the spiraling consumption of the world’s raw materials, such as oil and water at an alarming rate can be attributed to some certain causative rationales. The overriding culprit is the manufacturers’ insatiable greed for natural energies in production contexts. Irrefutably, due to the unquestionably crucial role of the world’s raw materials for manufacturing, the community of profit-driven businesses is characteristically inclined to resort to unsustainable practices, irresponsibly and excessively exploiting natural resources. Hence, the alarming rate at which natural resources are being consumed will probably occur as a consequence.
Since this phenomenon can culminate in severe and wide-ranging repercussions to societies, a certain feasible and radical solution should be embraced to curb the trajectory. The efficacious vehicle is that a more stringent punishment should be imposed in the community of corporations. Indubitably, if governing bodies introduced more draconian penalties, ranging from heavy financial fines to the revocation of business licenses and incarceration in the case of breaking the environmental protection law, corporate bodies would presumably have no alternative but to shift their unsustainable practices to healthier ones, with the result that the exacerbation can potentially be significantly alleviated and mitigated.
In conclusion, while an unquenchable demand for natural energies can have its roots in the mounting exploitation of the world’s resources, such as oil and water, acting more draconian penalties regarding breaking the environmental protection law on manufacturing sectors can be a workable and radical approach.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "burgeoning depletion" -> "accelerating depletion"
    Explanation: Replacing "burgeoning depletion" with "accelerating depletion" maintains a formal tone while expressing the idea more precisely and dynamically.

  2. "consumption at an unprecedented pace" -> "consumption at an alarming rate"
    Explanation: The term "unprecedented pace" is a bit informal; using "alarming rate" conveys urgency and is more academically suitable.

  3. "certain causative rationales" -> "specific causal factors"
    Explanation: "Causative rationales" is a somewhat awkward phrase. "Specific causal factors" is more direct and fits better in formal writing.

  4. "manufacturers’ insatiable greed" -> "manufacturers’ relentless pursuit"
    Explanation: While "insatiable greed" contains a degree of informality, "relentless pursuit" maintains a formal tone and conveys the idea of continuous desire more appropriately.

  5. "due to the unquestionably crucial role" -> "owing to the pivotal role"
    Explanation: "Due to the unquestionably crucial role" is a bit verbose. "Owing to the pivotal role" is concise and academically appropriate.

  6. "characteristically inclined" -> "tend to be inclined"
    Explanation: "Characteristically inclined" is somewhat redundant. "Tend to be inclined" is a simpler and more precise alternative.

  7. "resort to unsustainable practices" -> "engage in unsustainable practices"
    Explanation: "Resort to" is a bit informal. "Engage in" is a more formal and accurate choice.

  8. "irresponsibly and excessively exploiting" -> "unscrupulously exploiting"
    Explanation: "Irresponsibly and excessively exploiting" can be simplified for formality. "Unscrupulously exploiting" maintains the seriousness of the issue.

  9. "alarming rate at which" -> "alarming rate by which"
    Explanation: "Alarming rate at which" can be refined for clarity. "Alarming rate by which" is a more precise choice.

  10. "culminate in severe and wide-ranging repercussions" -> "result in severe and far-reaching consequences"
    Explanation: "Culminate in severe and wide-ranging repercussions" can be streamlined for clarity. "Result in severe and far-reaching consequences" is more straightforward.

  11. "a certain feasible and radical solution" -> "a viable and radical solution"
    Explanation: "A certain feasible and radical solution" is a bit convoluted. "A viable and radical solution" is clearer and more concise.

  12. "efficacious vehicle" -> "effective means"
    Explanation: "Efficacious vehicle" is a complex term. "Effective means" is simpler while maintaining formality.

  13. "more stringent punishment" -> "stricter penalties"
    Explanation: "More stringent punishment" can be simplified. "Stricter penalties" is a more direct and formal alternative.

  14. "presumably have no alternative but to" -> "likely have no choice but to"
    Explanation: "Presumably have no alternative but to" can be replaced with a simpler expression. "Likely have no choice but to" maintains formality.

  15. "shift their unsustainable practices to healthier ones" -> "transition to more sustainable practices"
    Explanation: "Shift their unsustainable practices to healthier ones" can be refined for clarity. "Transition to more sustainable practices" is a clearer alternative.

  16. "exacerbation can potentially be significantly alleviated and mitigated" -> "deterioration can be substantially alleviated"
    Explanation: "Exacerbation can potentially be significantly alleviated and mitigated" is a bit redundant. "Deterioration can be substantially alleviated" maintains clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the causes and solutions related to the increasing consumption of global resources. It recognizes the manufacturing sector’s role in resource depletion and proposes a radical remedy, aligning with the prompt.
    • How to improve: While the coverage is comprehensive, consider providing specific examples or data to bolster the analysis further. This can add depth to your argument and make it more convincing.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and well-developed position, attributing the issue primarily to the greed of manufacturers and proposing a stringent punishment as a solution. The stance is consistently articulated throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: No specific improvement is necessary for this criterion; however, continue to ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay are relevant, fully extended, and well-supported. The analysis of the causes and the proposed solution is thorough and demonstrates a deep understanding of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect further, consider providing specific examples or case studies that illustrate the impact of unsustainable practices in the manufacturing sector. This can add concrete evidence to support your points.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the prompt, discussing the causes and solutions related to the increasing consumption of resources. There are no significant deviations from the topic.
    • How to improve: To strengthen coherence, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument. Review the essay to eliminate any unnecessary repetition or information that does not directly support the main points.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, and the content is well-organized and logically presented. To improve, consider incorporating specific examples or data to support your points, making your arguments more robust. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument, enhancing overall coherence. Overall, a well-written response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mostly coherent arrangement of ideas and a clear overall structure. It begins with an introduction that sets the context by highlighting the issue of increasing resource consumption. The essay proceeds to explain the causes behind this phenomenon, primarily focusing on the manufacturers’ relentless pursuit of natural energies and their unsustainable practices. It then transitions smoothly to propose a solution involving stricter penalties for corporations. The logical progression from causes to solutions is evident, aiding in understanding the writer’s viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider strengthening the connection between paragraphs. While the flow between causes and solutions is reasonable, smoother transitions between individual ideas within paragraphs can amplify coherence. Utilizing transition words or phrases ("Furthermore," "Moreover," "However") can facilitate a more seamless progression of thoughts, reinforcing the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each presenting a distinct idea or supporting argument. There is a clear attempt at logical sequencing within paragraphs, contributing to a well-structured essay. However, some paragraphs could benefit from improved internal coherence by ensuring that each sentence within them aligns closely with the central idea.
    • How to improve: Focus on enhancing the coherence within paragraphs by employing topic sentences that clearly introduce the main point of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that the subsequent sentences within each paragraph directly support and elaborate on the main idea. This adjustment will bolster the effectiveness of each paragraph in presenting cohesive arguments.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices to link ideas; however, there is a lack of flexibility, resulting in occasional repetition and some errors. While the essay features cohesive devices like transition words ("undeniably," "hence," "indubitably"), their usage is somewhat repetitive and predictable, affecting the essay’s overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices employed throughout the essay. Incorporate a broader variety of linking words or phrases to connect ideas more dynamically. Avoid over-reliance on a few specific cohesive devices. Aim to use them strategically, ensuring that they contribute to a seamless flow of ideas without sounding repetitive. Practice using synonyms or different transitional phrases to enhance coherence while maintaining clarity.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a structured approach in discussing the causes and proposing solutions regarding the increasing consumption of natural resources. To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs, improving the internal coherence within paragraphs, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. These adjustments will elevate the essay’s overall effectiveness in conveying ideas coherently and logically.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an impressive range of vocabulary. Complex and varied lexical choices are evident throughout the essay, enhancing the overall quality of expression. For instance, phrases such as "burgeoning depletion," "insatiable greed," and "draconian penalties" showcase a high level of lexical sophistication.
    • How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally strong, consider incorporating more domain-specific terms related to environmental science or sustainable practices. This can further elevate the precision and depth of your vocabulary, contributing to an even more nuanced discussion.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of precision in vocabulary usage. Concepts are articulated with clarity, and there is a consistent effort to avoid redundancy. For instance, the phrase "undeniably crucial role" precisely conveys the significance of natural resources in manufacturing.
    • How to improve: Continue to refine your vocabulary by paying attention to context-specific nuances. Consider using synonyms where appropriate to enhance clarity and avoid repetition. Additionally, be mindful of idiomatic expressions to ensure precision in conveying your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable level of spelling accuracy. There are minimal instances of spelling errors, and the overall command of spelling conventions is strong.
    • How to improve: While spelling accuracy is generally excellent, always proofread your work to catch any potential oversights. Additionally, consider expanding your proofreading to include a focus on punctuation and grammar, ensuring a flawless presentation of your ideas.

Overall, your essay showcases a robust command of vocabulary, contributing significantly to the attainment of a Band 8 score in the Lexical Resource criterion. To further enhance your performance, consider the nuanced suggestions provided, focusing on incorporating domain-specific terms, refining precision, and maintaining impeccable spelling and grammar. Keep up the excellent work!

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt at employing a variety of complex structures. For instance, it utilizes introductory phrases ("Undeniably," "Indubitably") and complex sentence structures with subordinate clauses to present arguments and explanations.
    • How to improve: To enhance structural variety further, consider incorporating a broader spectrum of sentence types. Mix simple, compound, and complex sentences to create a more fluid and engaging narrative. Introduce rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for added impact and diversity.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are constructed correctly, maintaining coherence. However, there are a few instances where minor errors in sentence structure or word usage occur, which slightly impact precision.
    • How to improve: To elevate accuracy, meticulously review sentence structures and word choices. Focus on consistently maintaining subject-verb agreement, refining tense usage, and ensuring precise word selection. Revisiting complex sentence structures to ensure clarity might also fortify the accuracy further.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-managed throughout the essay. However, there are sporadic instances where the use of punctuation could be refined. Some sentences lack appropriate commas or suffer from overuse, affecting the flow and clarity.
    • How to improve: Practice nuanced punctuation usage, particularly regarding comma placement in complex sentences. Employ commas to clarify meaning without disrupting the natural flow. Additionally, review the use of colons and semicolons to add variety and precision in sentence structures.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of language with minor areas that, if refined, could enhance coherence, precision, and variety. Continuously practicing a diverse range of sentence structures while paying close attention to grammatical intricacies and refined punctuation will significantly elevate the quality of written expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The utilization of the Earth’s resources, including oil and water, is escalating at a hazardous pace. This essay delves into the causes behind this accelerating depletion and suggests a viable and radical solution.

Undoubtedly, the surge in the consumption of global natural resources, such as oil and water, at an alarming rate can be traced back to specific causal factors. The primary contributor is the relentless pursuit of natural energies by manufacturers in their production processes. Given the pivotal role of these raw materials in manufacturing, profit-driven businesses tend to be inclined toward engaging in unsustainable practices, unscrupulously exploiting natural resources. Consequently, the alarming rate at which these resources are being consumed is a direct outcome of such practices.

As this trend can result in severe and far-reaching consequences for societies, adopting a viable and radical solution becomes imperative. An effective means to address this issue is through the imposition of stricter penalties within the corporate community. If governing bodies introduce more severe consequences, ranging from substantial financial fines to the potential revocation of business licenses and even imprisonment for violating environmental protection laws, corporations would likely have no choice but to transition to more sustainable practices. This shift could substantially alleviate and mitigate the deterioration of natural resources.

In conclusion, the insatiable demand for natural energies, driven by the unsustainable practices of manufacturers, poses a significant threat to the world’s resources like oil and water. Implementing stricter penalties for environmental law violations in the manufacturing sector emerges as a viable and radical approach to curb this alarming trend.

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