The diagram below shows the development of the horse over a period of 40 million years. The evolution of the horse, with particular emphasis on the changing foot structure. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main feathers and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram depicts the evolutionary stages that horses underwent, with the first stage dating back to around 40 million years ago.

By and large, changes in size were conspicuous, with the predecessors being remarkably larger than their ancestors. The structure of the horse’s foot also gets simpler as time goes by.

At the beginning of the period, the horse, hitherto known as the Eohippus, had a modest body and possessed feet composed of 4 thin digits. After 10 million years, it witnessed the disappearance of 2 of its fingers and the enlargement of the middle finger. This 3-digit horse was scientifically called the Mesohippus, whose size was also slightly greater.

Compared to the foot of Mesohippus, that of Merychippus was marginally different, with the middle finger shrinking considerably to nearly match the length of the side ones. Additionally, there were also fewer joints in each finger. With regard to the appearance of the horses that we see nowadays, they have grown immensely in size, exhibiting a more prominent mane together with a furrier tail in comparison with its primitive counterparts. Meanwhile, its fingers have all developed into one single hoof, forming a vertical stick-like foot with joints connecting separate sturdy bones.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"By and large" -> "Overall"
Explanation: "By and large" is somewhat informal and can be seen as colloquial in academic writing. "Overall" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.
"conspicuous" -> "distinct"
Explanation: "Conspicuous" can imply being noticeable due to unusual or striking features, which might not be the intended meaning here. "Distinct" better describes the noticeable changes in size.
"gets simpler" -> "becomes simpler"
Explanation: "Gets" is a more informal verb form; "becomes" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"hitherto known as" -> "previously known as"
Explanation: "Hitherto" is a less common and slightly archaic term; "previously known as" is clearer and maintains a formal tone.
"modest body" -> "relatively small body"
Explanation: "Modest" can be vague and informal; "relatively small" provides a more precise description.
"possessed feet composed of 4 thin digits" -> "had four thin digits on each foot"
Explanation: "Possessed feet composed of" is awkward and verbose. "Had four thin digits on each foot" is clearer and more direct.
"witnessed the disappearance" -> "experienced the loss of"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is less formal and can imply observation rather than direct experience. "Experienced the loss of" is more appropriate for describing the horse’s own changes.
"scientifically called" -> "known scientifically as"
Explanation: "Scientifically called" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Known scientifically as" is more precise and formal.
"marginally different" -> "slightly different"
Explanation: "Marginally" can imply a very small difference, which might not be the intended meaning. "Slightly" is more neutral and suitable for describing differences in size.
"nearly match" -> "approach"
Explanation: "Nearly match" is a bit informal and imprecise. "Approach" is more formal and suitable for academic descriptions of proportions.
"fewer joints" -> "fewer joints than before"
Explanation: Adding "than before" clarifies the comparison, making the description more precise and formal.
"immensely in size" -> "significantly larger"
Explanation: "Immensely" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Significantly larger" is precise and formal.
"exhibiting a more prominent mane together with a furrier tail" -> "displaying a more prominent mane and a thicker tail"
Explanation: "Exhibiting together with" is awkward and informal. "Displaying and" is more direct and formal, and "thicker" is a more precise description than "furrier."
"primitive counterparts" -> "ancestral forms"
Explanation: "Primitive" can imply a negative connotation and is somewhat informal. "Ancestral forms" is neutral and academically appropriate.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the main features of the horse’s evolution. It presents information appropriately selected, highlighting key features such as the changing foot structure and size. However, some details are irrelevant or inaccurate, such as the statement that the Eohippus was "remarkably larger than its ancestors." This is not supported by the diagram, which shows the Eohippus as being smaller than the later stages of horse evolution.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing more on the key features of the diagram and providing more accurate information. For example, the essay could state that the Eohippus had four toes on each foot, while the Mesohippus had three toes. It could also provide more specific details about the changes in the foot structure, such as the reduction in the number of joints and the development of a single hoof.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the earliest stage of horse evolution to the modern horse. It uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The referencing is not always clear, particularly when discussing the changes in foot structure. The essay does use paragraphing, but the organization could be more logical, as some ideas are presented in a way that may confuse the reader about the chronological development.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Additionally, organizing the paragraphs to reflect a clearer chronological order of the evolutionary stages would help the reader follow the progression more easily. Using more varied sentence structures and linking phrases could also contribute to a smoother flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the evolutionary changes of horses. It uses less common lexical items such as "hitherto," "conspicuous," and "marginally," which shows an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the disappearance of 2 of its fingers," which could be more clearly articulated as "the loss of two digits." Additionally, while the vocabulary is adequate, it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, including more precise terms related to evolution and anatomy. Additionally, ensuring that all word choices are accurate and appropriate for the context will enhance clarity. Finally, reducing any minor errors in spelling or word formation will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which aligns well with the criteria for Band 7. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, although there are a few errors present, such as "the disappearance of 2 of its fingers" which could be more clearly stated as "the disappearance of two of its digits." Overall, the grammatical range is good, but the occasional errors prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer should focus on minimizing grammatical errors and ensuring that all complex structures are used accurately. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of sentence types and ensuring clarity in expression would further strengthen the essay. Proofreading for minor slips and improving the precision of language would also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram depicts the evolutionary stages that horses underwent, with the first stage dating back to around 40 million years ago.

Overall, changes in size were significant, with the predecessors being considerably larger than their ancestors. The structure of the horse’s foot also became simpler over time.

At the beginning of the period, the horse, known as the Eohippus, had a modest body and possessed feet composed of four thin digits. After 10 million years, it experienced the loss of two of its digits and the enlargement of the middle digit. This three-digit horse was scientifically named the Mesohippus, which was also slightly larger in size.

In comparison to the foot of the Mesohippus, that of the Merychippus was somewhat different, with the middle digit shrinking considerably to nearly match the length of the side digits. Additionally, there were fewer joints in each digit. Regarding the appearance of modern horses, they have grown immensely in size, exhibiting a more prominent mane along with a furrier tail compared to their primitive counterparts. Meanwhile, their digits have evolved into a single hoof, forming a vertical, stick-like foot with joints connecting separate sturdy bones.