The diagram below shows the process of making cheese.

The provided picture illustrates how to make cheese

Overall, it is evident that this is a complicated process with no fewer than fifteen stages, commencing with the collecting of raw milk and ending with gaining ripened cheese.

The first stage involves collecting raw milk from cows. In the second stage, raw milk will undergo the pasteurization process by a specialized machine, which is excluded in traditional cheese production. In the next stage, pasteurized milk will be standardized and filtrated by a dedicated equipment before being coagulated. Meanwhile, in producing cheese traditionally, raw milk can directly be coagulated without th above steps. In this step, enzyme and fermenting microorganism will be added, creating curds and whey. After that, it undergoes the cutting process, and then is shaking and cooking process.

After cooking, it will go through draining of whey via a pipeline, retaining curds. Subsequently, the milling of curds will take place by a special machine , adding salt during this process. In the following step, the mix can be either gained as fresh cheese or poured into molds, which will be suffered the pressing of a dedicated machine, draining of remaining whey during the process. The next step involves leaving cheese to ripe for hours before gaining ripened cheese.

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Errors and Improvements:

"how to make cheese" -> "the cheese-making process"
Explanation: Using "how to make cheese" is somewhat informal. "The cheese-making process" is a more formal and precise phrase that better captures the topic.
"no fewer than fifteen stages" -> "at least fifteen stages"
Explanation: "No fewer than" is less common and somewhat awkward compared to "at least," which is a more straightforward and commonly used expression.
"commencing" -> "beginning"
Explanation: While "commencing" is technically correct, "beginning" is a simpler and more commonly used synonym that maintains clarity.
"raw milk will undergo the pasteurization process" -> "raw milk undergoes the pasteurization process"
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure and using the present tense enhances clarity and flow.
"standardized and filtrated" -> "standardized and filtered"
Explanation: "Filtrated" is less commonly used than "filtered" in English. "Filtered" is the standard term for the process of passing a substance through a filter to remove impurities.
"coagulated without th above steps" -> "coagulated without the above steps"
Explanation: Correcting the typo ("th" to "the") for grammatical accuracy.
"enzyme and fermenting microorganism" -> "enzymes and fermenting microorganisms"
Explanation: Pluralizing "enzyme" and "microorganism" to match the plural subject "enzyme and fermenting microorganism" for grammatical agreement.
"undergoes the cutting process, and then is shaking and cooking process" -> "undergoes the cutting, shaking, and cooking processes"
Explanation: Simplifying and streamlining the sentence structure for clarity and conciseness.
"it will go through draining of whey" -> "it undergoes the drainage of whey"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and smoother flow.
"can be either gained as fresh cheese" -> "can either be produced as fresh cheese"
Explanation: Clarifying the meaning by replacing "gained" with "produced" for a more accurate description of the cheese-making process.
"suffered the pressing of a dedicated machine" -> "subjected to the pressing of a dedicated machine"
Explanation: Using "subjected to" instead of "suffered" provides a clearer and more formal description of the action.
"leaving cheese to ripe" -> "allowing the cheese to ripen"
Explanation: Correcting the verb form to "ripen" and restructuring the phrase for grammatical accuracy and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the process of making cheese, covering all the key stages involved. It provides a clear overview of the process, including collecting raw milk, pasteurization, coagulation, cutting, cooking, draining of whey, milling of curds, molding, pressing, and ripening. However, some details are inaccurately described or not fully developed, such as the mention of a specialized machine for pasteurization, which may not be necessary for all cheese production processes, and the lack of clarity regarding the cutting and cooking process. Additionally, the explanation of each stage could be more detailed to fully satisfy the requirements of the task.
How to improve: Provide more accurate and detailed descriptions of each stage of the cheese-making process, ensuring that all key features are fully explained. Avoid unnecessary details or inaccuracies, and focus on presenting a comprehensive and clear overview of the process. Ensure consistency and coherence throughout the essay to enhance clarity and understanding.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, outlining the process of making cheese with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there is a lack of overall progression, as the sequencing of the stages is not consistently clear. While some cohesive devices are used, such as transition words like "meanwhile" and "after that," their usage is not consistent, leading to some disjointedness in the flow of ideas. Additionally, there are instances of inaccurate language use, such as "shaking and cooking process," which could be clarified for better coherence.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on maintaining a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Ensure that each stage is presented in a sequential and cohesive manner, avoiding unnecessary repetition or ambiguity. Use a variety of cohesive devices consistently to link ideas and create smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Also, strive for accuracy in language use to enhance clarity and coherence. Finally, consider refining the paragraph structure for better organization and readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering various stages of the cheese-making process. There are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "pasteurization," "standardized," "filtrated," and "coagulated," which contribute to conveying the process effectively. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings throughout the essay, such as "dedicated equipment before being coagulated" and "the mix can be either gained as fresh cheese." These instances hinder clarity and precision.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, strive for more precise and accurate word choices. Ensure that the vocabulary used aligns well with the context and effectively conveys the intended meaning. Additionally, pay attention to collocations and word forms to enhance fluency and coherence. Proofreading for awkward phrasings and inaccuracies can help refine the essay further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of structures such as compound and complex sentences. There are attempts to use more complex language, though some sentences could be further developed for clarity. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they do not significantly impede understanding. However, there are areas where the meaning is slightly unclear due to language choices and sentence structure.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of complex sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. Review and revise for grammatical errors and punctuation issues to ensure clearer communication. Additionally, strive for more precise language and phrasing to convey ideas more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram provided illustrates the process of cheese production.

Overall, the process involves fifteen stages, beginning with the collection of raw milk and concluding with the acquisition of ripened cheese.

Initially, raw milk is gathered from cows. Subsequently, it undergoes pasteurization in a specialized machine, a step omitted in traditional cheese-making methods. The pasteurized milk is then standardized and filtered using dedicated equipment before undergoing coagulation. Conversely, in traditional cheese production, raw milk can be coagulated directly without these aforementioned steps. During coagulation, enzymes and fermenting microorganisms are introduced, resulting in the formation of curds and whey. The curds are then cut, followed by a shaking and cooking process.

Following cooking, whey is drained via a pipeline, leaving behind the curds. The curds are then milled using a special machine, with salt added during this stage. Subsequent steps involve either packaging the mixture as fresh cheese or pouring it into molds. If molded, the cheese undergoes pressing in a dedicated machine, with whey drained during this process. Finally, the cheese is left to ripen for a specific duration before reaching the stage of ripened cheese.