the diagram shows changes to a medical centre from 2008 to 2010

The given map provides a comparison of how the Medical Center was constructed between 2008 and 2010.
It is evident that, the Medical Centre extended its area to both left and right sides in 2010. Moreover, the number of Doctor’s offices increased, while the other rooms remained unchanged, compared to 2008.
In 2008, there were only 2 Doctor’s offices. However, in 2010, the Medical Center reduced the size of these offices and divided each room into 2 rooms, leading to the appearance of a total of 4 doctor’s offices. Compared to 2008, the other areas stayed unchanged in terms of positions and sizes.
In 2010, there were two rooms, including the Education room and the Mother and Child room, built on the left of the waiting room. Moreover, next to the Doctor’s office at the end of the corridor to the right, the Medical Center also constructed a store room. Opposite this room was the pharmacy which was the new area of the center in 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"It is evident that, the Medical Centre extended its area" -> "It is evident that the Medical Center expanded its premises"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "that" and changing "extended its area" to "expanded its premises" improves the flow and uses a more sophisticated term for growth.
"Moreover, the number of Doctor’s offices increased, while the other rooms remained unchanged, compared to 2008." -> "Additionally, the quantity of medical offices grew, while the remaining rooms maintained their status quo in comparison to 2008."
Explanation: Replacing "number of Doctor’s offices increased" with "quantity of medical offices grew" adds variety to the vocabulary, and using "status quo" instead of "unchanged" contributes a more formal tone.
"However, in 2010, the Medical Center reduced the size of these offices and divided each room into 2 rooms, leading to the appearance of a total of 4 doctor’s offices." -> "Nevertheless, in 2010, the Medical Center downsized these offices and partitioned each space into two rooms, resulting in the creation of a total of four medical offices."
Explanation: The terms "downsized" and "partitioned" are more precise alternatives. Additionally, using "creation" instead of "appearance" enhances clarity and formality.
"Compared to 2008, the other areas stayed unchanged in terms of positions and sizes." -> "Contrasted with 2008, the remaining areas retained their positions and dimensions."
Explanation: Substituting "stayed unchanged" with "retained" and using "dimensions" instead of "sizes" contribute to a more refined and concise expression.
"In 2010, there were two rooms, including the Education room and the Mother and Child room, built on the left of the waiting room." -> "In 2010, two rooms were added on the left side of the waiting room, encompassing the Education and Mother and Child rooms."
Explanation: The term "added" is more specific than "built," and reordering the sentence structure improves clarity.
"next to the Doctor’s office at the end of the corridor to the right" -> "adjacent to the medical office at the terminus of the right corridor"
Explanation: Using "adjacent" instead of "next to" and "terminus" instead of "end" elevates the vocabulary and provides a more precise description.
"Opposite this room was the pharmacy which was the new area of the center in 2010." -> "Across from this space stood the pharmacy, a novel addition to the center in 2010."
Explanation: Replacing "Opposite" with "Across from," and "new area of the center" with "novel addition to the center" enhances clarity and employs more sophisticated language.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear comparison of the changes to the Medical Center from 2008 to 2010. It presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences, and stages in the development. The key features and bullet points are highlighted, but there is room for improvement in fully extending some of these points.

How to improve:
To enhance the essay and move it towards a higher band score, consider providing more details and explanations for the changes observed. Ensure that each key feature is fully developed and that the information is both accurate and relevant. Additionally, pay attention to the clarity and coherence of your sentences to create a smoother flow in the description of the changes.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion, presenting information in a reasonably organized manner. There is a clear attempt at logical progression, especially in comparing the changes in the Medical Center from 2008 to 2010. The essay employs effective paragraphing, with distinct sections discussing different aspects of the center.

However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved. For example, in the second paragraph, the transition between the description of the Doctor’s offices in 2010 is a bit abrupt. Additionally, there is room for more varied cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow of ideas.

While the central topic within each paragraph is generally clear, there are moments where referencing and substitution could be more precise. For instance, in the last paragraph, using more explicit connections between the new rooms and their locations would enhance coherence.

How to improve:

Sentence Cohesion: Pay attention to the flow within sentences. Use a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to create smoother connections between ideas.
Referencing Clarity: Ensure that references within the essay are clear and unambiguous. Clearly link each point to the relevant part of the diagram or the specific changes mentioned.
Varied Cohesive Devices: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence. This could include using synonyms, parallel structures, or varied sentence structures.
Fine-Tune Paragraphing: While the essay generally uses paragraphs effectively, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and logical progression. Consider the use of topic sentences to guide the reader through the content.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary, though there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "extended its area" (better: expanded its premises), and "built on the left of the waiting room" (better: constructed adjacent to the waiting room). The essay conveys the changes in the Medical Center adequately, but the vocabulary could be more varied and precise.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for a wider array of vocabulary, especially in describing changes (e.g., use terms like "expanded," "augmented," "altered" for variety). Work on refining word choices and expressions for more accuracy and fluency. Additionally, pay attention to collocation and idiomatic usage to elevate the sophistication of the language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, using a variety of complex structures. The sentences are generally error-free, though there are a few instances where improvements could be made. For example, in the first sentence, "It is evident that, the Medical Centre extended its area to both left and right sides in 2010," there is an unnecessary comma after "that." Additionally, the phrase "to both left and right sides" could be more smoothly expressed as "to both the left and right sides."

The use of complex structures is evident in sentences like, "Moreover, next to the Doctor’s office at the end of the corridor to the right, the Medical Center also constructed a store room." However, there are moments where sentence structure could be further refined for clarity and cohesion.

How to improve:

Pay attention to unnecessary punctuation, such as the comma after "that" in the first sentence.
Aim for smoother expression of ideas, for instance, replacing "to both left and right sides" with "to both the left and right sides" for better clarity.
Ensure that complex structures contribute to overall coherence and don’t hinder the reader’s understanding. For instance, the sentence "However, in 2010, the Medical Center reduced the size of these offices and divided each room into 2 rooms, leading to the appearance of a total of 4 doctor’s offices" could be rephrased for better flow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with room for minor improvements to enhance clarity and cohesion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the transformations undergone by a Medical Center from 2008 to 2010.

In 2010, notable expansions occurred on both the left and right sides of the Medical Centre. Specifically, the number of Doctor’s offices experienced an increment, while the dimensions of the remaining rooms remained consistent compared to the layout in 2008.

During 2008, the Medical Center accommodated only 2 Doctor’s offices. In contrast, by 2010, a restructuring took place wherein the size of these offices was reduced, and each room was divided, resulting in the establishment of a total of 4 doctor’s offices. The positioning and sizes of the other areas remained unaltered when compared to the setup in 2008.

Furthermore, in 2010, two additional rooms, namely the Education room and the Mother and Child room, were constructed on the left side of the waiting room. Simultaneously, on the right side, adjacent to the Doctor’s office at the corridor’s end, the Medical Center introduced a storage room. On the opposite side of this storage facility, a new area emerged, hosting the pharmacy, marking a noteworthy addition to the center’s facilities in 2010.