The diagrams show changes in a student common room.
The diagrams show changes in a student common room.
The two maps show the main changes which took place in the student common room from 5 years ago to now. As can be seen clearly from the maps, the student common room experienced significant transformations with more amenities facilities and changed table desks. Five years ago, the room had four circle tables which were scattered in the middle of the map. However, there was a demolition of two circle tables now, instead of a rectangular table set in the left-hand corner. The cabinet is flattened and replaced by a television, with three armchairs placed opposite the television. A new bench for laptops is placed between a circle table set and the television area, that bench is arranged against the wall. Other noticeable changes such as one bench in front of the map being occupied by a new microwave which is placed right next to the old one. There is an emergence of a new drinks machine adjacent to a refrigerator. There aren’t any changes in the sink, the cupboard and the bench.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the main changes which took place" -> "the primary changes that occurred"
Explanation: "Primary" is a more formal and precise term than "main," and "that occurred" is more straightforward than "which took place," enhancing clarity. -
"As can be seen clearly from the maps" -> "As illustrated by the maps"
Explanation: This phrase is more concise and formal, eliminating unnecessary words while maintaining clarity. -
"experienced significant transformations with more amenities facilities" -> "underwent significant transformations with additional amenities"
Explanation: "Underwent" is a more formal verb choice than "experienced," and "additional amenities" is clearer and avoids redundancy. -
"changed table desks" -> "altered desk arrangements"
Explanation: "Altered" is a more precise verb, and "desk arrangements" is clearer than "table desks," which may be vague. -
"there was a demolition of two circle tables now" -> "two circular tables were removed"
Explanation: This phrasing is more direct and active, improving clarity and formality. -
"instead of a rectangular table set in the left-hand corner" -> "replaced by a rectangular table in the left corner"
Explanation: "Replaced by" is more concise than "instead of," and "left corner" is simpler than "left-hand corner," maintaining formality. -
"the cabinet is flattened and replaced by a television" -> "the cabinet was removed and replaced by a television"
Explanation: "Was removed" is more accurate than "is flattened," which is vague and informal. -
"three armchairs placed opposite the television" -> "three armchairs positioned opposite the television"
Explanation: "Positioned" is a more formal and precise verb than "placed," enhancing the academic tone. -
"A new bench for laptops is placed between a circle table set and the television area" -> "A new laptop bench is situated between a circular table and the television area"
Explanation: "Situated" is more formal than "placed," and "circular table" is more precise than "circle table set." -
"that bench is arranged against the wall" -> "this bench is positioned against the wall"
Explanation: "This" provides clarity and immediacy, while "positioned" is more formal than "arranged."
11."Other noticeable changes such as one bench in front of the map being occupied by a new microwave which is placed right next to the old one" -> "Other notable changes include a new microwave positioned adjacent to the existing one on a bench"
Explanation: "Notable" is a more formal synonym for "noticeable," and the rephrasing enhances clarity and conciseness.
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"There is an emergence of a new drinks machine adjacent to a refrigerator" -> "A new beverage machine has been introduced adjacent to a refrigerator"
Explanation: "Has been introduced" is more precise and formal than "there is an emergence of," improving clarity. -
"There aren’t any changes in the sink, the cupboard and the bench" -> "There have been no changes to the sink, cupboard, or bench"
Explanation: "There have been no changes" is more formal than "there aren’t any changes," and "to" is more precise than "in." Additionally, "or" is more appropriate than "and" in this context.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the changes in the student common room, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences, or stages of the changes. It also does not adequately highlight all the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay mentions that there is a new drinks machine adjacent to a refrigerator, but it does not mention that there is also a new microwave next to the old one.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the changes, highlighting all the key features/bullet points, and providing more detail about the changes. For example, the essay could mention that the number of tables has decreased, that the layout of the room has changed, and that there are now more amenities available. The essay could also provide more detail about the specific changes that have been made, such as the type of television that has been installed or the size of the new bench for laptops.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the changes in the student common room, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in the relationships between ideas. For instance, phrases like "that bench is arranged against the wall" disrupt the coherence of the description. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the ideas could be grouped more logically to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay should focus on improving the logical flow of information. This can be done by clearly grouping related ideas and using cohesive devices more effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the progression of ideas is smooth will enhance coherence. Lastly, refining the use of paragraphing to separate distinct points will improve overall organization.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the main ideas regarding the changes in the student common room, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. Phrases like "significant transformations" and "new drinks machine" show some attempt at variety, but overall, the essay lacks sophistication and flexibility in word choice. There are noticeable errors in word formation, such as "amenities facilities," which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are relevant to the topic. Additionally, focusing on precise word choice and improving collocation will help convey meanings more effectively. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation will also contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with synonyms and varying sentence structures can further elevate the lexical quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the criteria for Band 6. There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "the cabinet is flattened and replaced by a television," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences. While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and accuracy of the writing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures. This can be done by practicing more complex sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are free from errors. Additionally, improving clarity in descriptions and avoiding awkward phrasing will contribute to a more polished and coherent essay. Regular proofreading can help identify and correct grammatical and punctuation mistakes.
Bài sửa mẫu
The two maps illustrate the main changes that have occurred in the student common room over the past five years. As can be clearly seen from the maps, the student common room has undergone significant transformations, featuring more amenities and altered table arrangements. Five years ago, the room contained four circular tables that were scattered throughout the center of the space. However, two of these circular tables have been removed and replaced with a rectangular table set in the left-hand corner. The cabinet has been removed and replaced by a television, with three armchairs positioned opposite the television. A new bench for laptops has been placed between a circular table and the television area, arranged against the wall. Other noticeable changes include a bench in front of the map now occupied by a new microwave, which is situated right next to the old one. Additionally, a new drinks machine has emerged adjacent to the refrigerator. There have been no changes to the sink, cupboard, or bench.
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