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The first pie chart illustrates the energy consumption in an average Australian family while the second one depicts how much greenhouse gas emissions related from this utilization.

The first pie chart illustrates the energy consumption in an average Australian family while the second one depicts how much greenhouse gas emissions related from this utilization.

The first pie chart illustrates the energy consumption in an average Australian family while the second one depicts how much greenhouse gas emissions related from this utilization.

Overall, heating and water heating made up the largest portion in energy use in Australian households. However, it is not water heating and other appliances emitted the most greenhouse gases in the air.

42% of total energy use allocated for heating followed by water heating, with 30%. The figure for energy consumption in other appliances is only half of that in water heating and doubles the amount in refrigeration. Lighting and cooling used the least energy, constituting 4% and 20% respectively.

Water heating contributes 32% greenhouse gases. The figures for emitting greenhouse gases in refrigeration and heating are nearly the same, with 16%, which is half of that in other appliances. The remaining 11% gas emissions is attributed to lighting and cooling.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "depicts how much greenhouse gas emissions related from this utilization" -> "depicts the amount of greenhouse gas emissions resulting from this consumption."
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative provides a more precise and formal description of the relationship between energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions.

  2. "it is not water heating and other appliances emitted the most greenhouse gases in the air" -> "however, water heating and other appliances do not contribute the most to greenhouse gas emissions in the air."
    Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The revised version improves the structure and ensures a more accurate representation of the information.

  3. "42% of total energy use allocated for heating followed by water heating, with 30%" -> "42% of the total energy consumption is allocated to heating, followed by water heating at 30%."
    Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks proper syntax. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while providing a more grammatically correct structure.

  4. "doubles the amount in refrigeration" -> "twice the amount used in refrigeration."
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative uses more formal language to express the same idea in a clearer manner.

  5. "constituting 4% and 20% respectively" -> "constituting 4% for lighting and 20% for cooling, respectively."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat unclear and lacks parallelism. The suggested alternative provides a more precise and grammatically correct representation of the percentages.

  6. "Water heating contributes 32% greenhouse gases." -> "Water heating accounts for 32% of greenhouse gas emissions."
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks proper syntax. The suggested alternative improves clarity and aligns with a more formal style.

  7. "The figures for emitting greenhouse gases in refrigeration and heating are nearly the same, with 16%" -> "The figures for greenhouse gas emissions from refrigeration and heating are nearly identical, both at 16%."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a more accurate and formal representation of the information.

  8. "which is half of that in other appliances" -> "which is half of the emissions from other appliances."
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat ambiguous. The suggested alternative clarifies the comparison and maintains a more formal tone.

  9. "The remaining 11% gas emissions is attributed to lighting and cooling." -> "The remaining 11% of gas emissions are attributed to lighting and cooling."
    Explanation: The original sentence has subject-verb agreement issues. The suggested alternative corrects the grammar while maintaining clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing energy consumption and corresponding greenhouse gas emissions in an Australian family. It correctly identifies heating and water heating as major contributors to energy consumption, and it mentions the varying greenhouse gas emissions from different sources.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing more nuanced details, such as specific percentages or quantities from the charts, to bolster your analysis. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the data.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by discussing the significance of heating and water heating in energy consumption. However, it slightly falters in the greenhouse gas emission section, where the discussion is less focused.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, ensure that your stance on greenhouse gas emissions is as explicit as your stance on energy consumption. Clearly express the relationship between energy use and corresponding emissions in a structured manner.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about energy consumption adequately, highlighting the major contributors. However, the discussion on greenhouse gas emissions lacks elaboration and specific examples.
    • How to improve: Extend your ideas by providing more details on the greenhouse gas emission sources. Include specific percentages or quantities to reinforce your points and add depth to your analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but briefly deviates when mentioning "it is not water heating and other appliances emitted the most greenhouse gases." This phrase is unclear and may confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: Be more explicit and concise in your statements. If the intention is to highlight a discrepancy in the relationship between energy use and greenhouse gas emissions, provide a clearer and well-supported explanation to avoid ambiguity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the data, but enhancing clarity, providing more details, and avoiding ambiguous statements can contribute to a more comprehensive and focused response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It effectively introduces the two pie charts, focusing on energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions in Australian households. The information within each chart is presented sequentially, making it easy for the reader to follow the key details. However, there is a slight deviation in the conclusion where the mention of greenhouse gas emissions precedes the discussion on energy consumption. This disrupts the chronological flow established earlier.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider maintaining a consistent structure throughout the essay. Ensure that the order of information in the conclusion aligns with the sequence established in the introduction. This would strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the data, such as energy consumption or greenhouse gas emissions. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs. The shift from discussing energy consumption to greenhouse gas emissions could be smoother, creating a more seamless flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraph coherence, consider incorporating transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. These sentences should guide the reader smoothly into the next topic, fostering a clearer connection between ideas. For example, a transitional sentence could be used to signal the shift from energy consumption to greenhouse gas emissions.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, primarily relying on basic connectors (e.g., "however," "with," "and"). While these devices contribute to coherence, more diverse and sophisticated cohesive devices could be incorporated to elevate the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enrich the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of linking words (e.g., furthermore, consequently, nevertheless) and pronouns to create a smoother and more nuanced connection between sentences and ideas. This will not only enhance coherence but also contribute to a more sophisticated writing style.

By addressing these specific points, the essay can elevate its coherence and cohesion, potentially achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It successfully employs specific terms related to energy consumption, such as "heating," "water heating," "appliances," "refrigeration," "lighting," and "cooling." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, especially in providing more nuanced descriptions and using synonyms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and varied terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "energy consumption," explore alternatives like "energy utilization," "energy expenditure," or "power usage." Introduce synonyms for "greenhouse gases," such as "carbon emissions" or "pollutants," to avoid repetition.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where terms could be more accurate. For example, the statement, "it is not water heating and other appliances emitted the most greenhouse gases in the air," is slightly imprecise. Additionally, using "figure" to refer to percentages might be refined for clearer expression.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by clearly stating which appliances contribute most to greenhouse gases. Instead of a general reference to "figure," use specific terms like "percentage" or "proportion" to maintain precision and clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with no major spelling errors detected. However, it’s important to note that the coherence and cohesion of ideas contribute significantly to the lexical resource score, so focus on improving these aspects as well to elevate the overall essay quality.
    • How to improve: Continue to prioritize correct spelling, but also allocate time to refining coherence and cohesion. Ensure that ideas are logically connected, and the essay flows smoothly from one point to the next. This will not only enhance the Lexical Resource score but also positively impact other scoring criteria.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, using terms with greater precision, and maintaining a consistent focus on correct spelling. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can elevate its lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is a mix of simple and complex sentences, some structures are repetitive, affecting the overall variety. For instance, the repeated use of "The figure for" and "The remaining" structures limits the diversity. However, the essay effectively uses sentence structures to present information logically and coherently.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence forms, such as compound and complex sentences. Introduce phrases like introductory clauses or participial phrases to add depth and sophistication to the writing. Vary the sentence openings and lengths for a more engaging and dynamic presentation.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are some minor errors and inconsistencies. For example, the phrase "greenhouse gas emissions related from this utilization" contains an awkward use of "related from." Additionally, there is a lack of parallelism in the sentence "However, it is not water heating and other appliances emitted the most greenhouse gases in the air," which affects clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the expression of ideas to ensure clarity. Use parallel structures consistently, such as "it is not only water heating but also other appliances that emit the most greenhouse gases." Review sentence structures to eliminate awkward phrasing and improve overall coherence. Pay attention to prepositions and conjunctions for more precise and accurate language use.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures, contributing to a cohesive and comprehensible piece of writing. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy for a more polished presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

The initial pie chart presents the energy usage within an average Australian family, while the second one illustrates the amount of greenhouse gas emissions resulting from this consumption.

In general, heating and water heating constitute the largest portion of energy consumption in Australian households. However, it is not water heating and other appliances that contribute the most to greenhouse gas emissions in the air.

A substantial 42% of the total energy consumption is allocated to heating, followed closely by water heating at 30%. The energy consumption for other appliances is merely half of that used for water heating, and it surpasses the energy used in refrigeration by twice the amount. Lighting and cooling, on the other hand, account for the least energy usage, constituting 4% and 20%, respectively.

Specifically, water heating is responsible for 32% of greenhouse gas emissions. The figures for greenhouse gas emissions from refrigeration and heating are nearly identical, both standing at 16%, which is half of the emissions from other appliances. The remaining 11% of gas emissions are attributed to lighting and cooling.

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