The following graph shows the rates of poverty and unemployment in an Asian country in the years 2004 to 2009. Summarize the given information by reporting the main features and making comparison where relevant.

The following graph shows the rates of poverty and unemployment in an Asian country in the years 2004 to 2009.
Summarize the given information by reporting the main features and making comparison where relevant.

The given line chart depicts the poverty and unemployment rate in an Asian country over the period of 5 years from 2004 to 2009.
A closer look at the chart shows that the unemployment rate exhibited a downward trend throughout the period. Specifically, starting at 10 millions in 2004, the number of jobless people then ascended up to the peak of 11 million in 2006 before dropping gradually back to 9 million in 2008. Subsequently, it picked up pace to drop down to the bottom of almost 7 million in 2009.
The figures for individuals living in poverty show a similar trend with figures starting at 36 million in 2004, decreasing marginally to 35 million one year later, before changing direction to jump up to peak of 39 million in 2006. From then on the poverty rate underwent a steady and sharp decline till the end of the period, resulting in a surge to 31 million in 2009.
Overall, the graph reveals that there was a peak in both poverty and jobless rate in 2006 and since then, both rates have seen a decline.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "A closer look at the chart shows that" -> "A more detailed examination of the chart reveals that"
   Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality of the statement by replacing the colloquial phrase "a closer look" with the more formal "a more detailed examination."

2. "ascended up to the peak" -> "rose to the peak"
   Explanation: "Ascended up" is redundant; using "rose" maintains a formal tone and eliminates unnecessary repetition.

3. "jobless people" -> "unemployed individuals"
   Explanation: The term "unemployed individuals" is more formal and appropriate in an academic context than "jobless people."

4. "picked up pace to drop down" -> "accelerated to decrease"
   Explanation: The suggested change replaces colloquial expressions with more formal and precise language, contributing to a more academic tone.

5. "figures for individuals living in poverty" -> "statistics regarding individuals in poverty"
   Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more formal and academic phrasing, replacing the casual term "figures" with "statistics regarding."

6. "decreasing marginally" -> "experiencing a marginal decrease"
   Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and provides a more precise description of the decrease in poverty, avoiding the colloquial "decreasing marginally."

7. "changing direction to jump up to peak" -> "shifting course to reach a peak"
   Explanation: The suggested change replaces informal language with more formal wording, improving the overall academic tone of the sentence.

8. "steady and sharp decline" -> "consistent and pronounced decline"
   Explanation: Substituting "steady and sharp decline" with "consistent and pronounced decline" conveys the same idea using more formal language and eliminates redundancy.

9. "resulting in a surge to" -> "leading to an increase to"
   Explanation: The replacement enhances formality by choosing more precise language, replacing the colloquial "resulting in a surge" with "leading to an increase."

10. "Overall, the graph reveals that" -> "In summary, the graph illustrates that"
    Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more formal transition and enhances the overall academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question by summarizing the main features of the provided graph, reporting both poverty and unemployment rates in the Asian country from 2004 to 2009. However, it lacks in-depth analysis, and there’s room for providing more details, such as specific figures or percentages.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing more specific data from the graph, such as the percentage change in unemployment and poverty rates over the years. This will add depth to your analysis and better fulfill the requirement of summarizing the main features.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance by reporting the trends in both unemployment and poverty rates. The writer effectively communicates that there was a peak in 2006, followed by a decline in both rates.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating at the beginning or end of the essay that both poverty and unemployment rates initially increased, peaked in 2006, and subsequently declined. This will reinforce the essay’s coherence and make the stance even more apparent to the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately presents the ideas by describing the trends in unemployment and poverty rates over the specified years. However, it could benefit from more extended development and support. Providing additional details, such as reasons for the observed trends or potential implications, would enhance the depth of the analysis.
  • How to improve: Extend the essay by including more information on potential factors influencing the trends. For instance, explore economic events, government policies, or other contextual factors that might have contributed to the changes in poverty and unemployment rates. This will enrich your analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the data.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by focusing on the trends in poverty and unemployment rates as depicted in the graph. However, there are instances where the language is a bit repetitive, and the essay could benefit from a more concise presentation of ideas.
  • How to improve: Review the essay for redundant phrases or repetitive language and strive for conciseness. Ensure that each sentence contributes meaningfully to the overall analysis. This will help maintain focus and keep the essay directly relevant to the given graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with a clear introduction summarizing the key features of the given line chart. The body paragraphs effectively present the data on unemployment and poverty rates, following a chronological order. The use of specific years helps create a coherent timeline for the reader to follow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a brief overview of the overall trend in the introduction. Additionally, ensure that the transitions between sentences are smooth and that the reader can easily follow the progression of information.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate distinct ideas related to unemployment and poverty rates. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence, providing a focus for the reader. However, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis within each paragraph, as some ideas could be further developed for a more thorough exploration of the data.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the effectiveness of paragraphs by expanding on each point. For instance, discuss the potential reasons behind the peak in 2006 or the factors contributing to the decline in both rates after 2006. This will add depth to the analysis and contribute to a more comprehensive response.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words ("specifically," "subsequently," "overall") and references to time ("in 2004," "one year later," "since then"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay, helping the reader navigate the information smoothly. However, there is a slight repetition of phrases, like "starting at" and "picked up pace," which could be diversified for better coherence.
  • How to improve: Consider varying the language used to introduce different points. For example, instead of consistently using "starting at," explore alternative phrases like "commencing in" or "initiating from." This variation can add nuance to the essay and maintain the reader’s interest. Additionally, be mindful of repetitive structures that may hinder the overall flow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied terms such as "ascended," "marginally," "underwent," and "surge." The writer effectively employs different words to convey meanings, contributing to a rich and nuanced expression.
  • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary usage, consider incorporating more academic or domain-specific terms related to economic indicators. This could elevate the sophistication of the language used in discussing poverty and unemployment rates.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, with phrases like "exhibited a downward trend," "steady and sharp decline," and "jump up" providing specific and accurate descriptions. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise, such as in the use of "changed direction" to describe the increase in poverty rates in 2006.
  • How to improve: Instead of "changed direction," consider using terms like "deviated" or "shifted course" to precisely convey the change in the poverty rate. This adjustment will contribute to a more exact and refined expression of ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where accuracy can be improved, such as "jobless" instead of "jobless" and "ascended" instead of "ascended."
  • How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to catch such errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools can help identify and rectify spelling mistakes. Paying extra attention to specific terms related to the essay topic, such as "jobless," will further enhance spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of various sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized effectively to convey the information. For instance, the opening sentence employs a compound sentence structure to introduce the topic. The essay also includes complex sentences, such as "Subsequently, it picked up pace to drop down to the bottom of almost 7 million in 2009," which enhances the overall coherence and depth of expression.
  • How to improve: To further elevate the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures where appropriate. Additionally, introduce a mix of sentence lengths to add variety and rhythm to the prose. For instance, experiment with shorter sentences for impact and longer ones for detailed explanations.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Verb tenses are consistently used correctly, and the punctuation is generally accurate. However, there is a minor punctuation error in the sentence, "The figures for individuals living in poverty show a similar trend with figures starting at 36 million in 2004, decreasing marginally to 35 million one year later, before changing direction to jump up to the peak of 39 million in 2006." The use of a comma after "later" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence.
  • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to punctuation details, ensuring that commas are used judiciously. In the mentioned sentence, removing the comma after "later" will enhance the overall flow. Additionally, always proofread for minor errors to maintain a consistently high level of accuracy in grammar and punctuation.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, with minor opportunities for improvement in sentence variety and punctuational precision. Continued attention to these aspects will contribute to further refinement in written expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart illustrates the poverty and unemployment rates in an Asian country from 2004 to 2009.

Upon closer examination, it is evident that the unemployment rate experienced a consistent downward trajectory over the given period. Beginning at 10 million in 2004, the number of unemployed individuals rose to its peak at 11 million in 2006, subsequently accelerating to decrease gradually, reaching 9 million in 2008. Following this, there was an accelerated decrease, with the rate reaching a minimum of almost 7 million in 2009.

Similarly, the statistics regarding individuals in poverty followed a comparable pattern. Starting at 36 million in 2004, there was a marginal decrease to 35 million in the subsequent year. However, the trend shifted course, resulting in a peak of 39 million in 2006. From that point onward, there was a consistent and pronounced decline in the poverty rate, culminating in a notable decrease to 31 million by 2009.

In summary, the graph illustrates that both poverty and unemployment rates peaked in 2006. Since then, there has been a consistent and pronounced decline in both, leading to an increase in economic stability and well-being by 2009.