The given line chart provides details about the number of people in one social centre in Melbourne who take part in different activities from 2000 to 2020.

In general, it can be seen that while film club, table tennis and muscial performaces were the activities which tend to increase, it is opposite for amateur dramatic which tend to decrease in the period of 20 years. Besides, it is clear that martial arts was the activity which had the number of people joining in remained stably.

To be more specific, from 2000 to 2010, the number of people who participate in film club activity decreased slightly to nearly 60 people, meanwhile, the figure of participants for martial arts activity decreased to 32 people in 2005 and increased to 38 people in 2010. After 10 years, while the number of people taking part in the film club witnessed a slight growth to 76 people, the number of people who engaged in martial arts fluctuated gradually and returned to the number of 36 people in 2020.

Regarding to others activities, in the period 2000 to 2005, amateur dramatics and table tennis were the activities which had same increasing trend. At the same time, the social centre appeared a new activity which was musical performances. In the next 5 years, while the amount of people joining in table tennis and musical performances increased, the figure of people who taked part in amateur dramatics decreased to the same number of people who take part in tennis. From 2010 to 2020, table tennis witnessed a dramatic increase to 56 individuals engaging in, meanwhile, amateur dramatics saw an enormous decline to under 10 people who taked part in and become the activity have the least number of people. Besides, the amount of people taking part in musical performances increased moderately and reached to 16 individuals at the end of period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line chart" -> "The provided line chart"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat casual and less specific in academic writing.
"who take part in" -> "who participate in"
Explanation: "Participate in" is more formal and commonly used in academic texts than "take part in," which can sound slightly informal.
"it is opposite for" -> "it is the opposite for"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "opposite" clarifies the sentence structure and maintains a formal tone.
"tend to increase" -> "tend to increase"
Explanation: This correction removes the unnecessary repetition of "to" for consistency and clarity.
"it is clear that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is more academically precise than "clear," which can be too straightforward for formal writing.
"had the number of people joining in remained stably" -> "had the number of participants remain stable"
Explanation: "Remain stable" is more grammatically correct and formal than "remained stably," which is awkward and incorrect.
"participate in film club activity" -> "participate in the film club"
Explanation: Removing "activity" after "film club" corrects the grammatical structure and aligns with standard usage.
"the figure of participants" -> "the number of participants"
Explanation: "Number" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts than "figure," which can be vague.
"the number of people who engaged in martial arts fluctuated gradually" -> "the number of participants in martial arts fluctuated gradually"
Explanation: "Participants" is more specific and formal than "people," and it maintains the academic tone.
"Regarding to others activities" -> "Regarding other activities"
Explanation: "Regarding to" is grammatically incorrect; "Regarding other activities" corrects this and maintains formal tone.
"had same increasing trend" -> "exhibited the same increasing trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal and precise than "had," which is too casual for academic writing.
"the social centre appeared a new activity" -> "the social center introduced a new activity"
Explanation: "Introduced" is more appropriate than "appeared," which is vague and less formal.
"the amount of people joining in table tennis" -> "the number of participants in table tennis"
Explanation: "Number of participants" is more specific and formal than "amount of people."
"who taked part in" -> "who took part in"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "taked" to "took" for grammatical accuracy.
"become the activity have the least number of people" -> "became the activity with the fewest participants"
Explanation: "Became the activity with the fewest participants" corrects the awkward and grammatically incorrect original phrase.
"the amount of people taking part in musical performances increased moderately" -> "the number of participants in musical performances increased moderately"
Explanation: "Number of participants" is more precise and formal than "amount of people," aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay provides a general overview of the trends in the line chart, but it does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents some key features/bullet points, but it inadequately covers them. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the line chart. The essay could also be improved by presenting the key features/bullet points in a more concise and organized way. The essay should also avoid recounting detail mechanically and focus on providing a clear and concise overview of the information presented in the line chart.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. The use of cohesive devices is generally effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical or faulty. For example, phrases like "it is opposite for amateur dramatic which tend to decrease" and "the figure of participants for martial arts activity decreased to 32 people in 2005 and increased to 38 people in 2010" could be more fluid. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical, as some paragraphs contain multiple central topics that could be better separated for clarity.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and sentences. Avoid mechanical repetition of phrases like "the number of people" by using synonyms or varying sentence structures.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic. For instance, separate the discussion of film club and martial arts into distinct paragraphs to avoid mixing different trends in the same paragraph.
Clarify Referencing: Use clear and appropriate referencing to avoid ambiguity. For example, instead of "it is opposite for amateur dramatic," specify "the trend for amateur dramatics decreased, unlike the other activities."
Refine Sentence Structure: Simplify complex sentences to improve readability and coherence. For example, "In general, it can be seen that while film club, table tennis and musical performances increased, amateur dramatics decreased over the 20-year period" is clearer and more concise.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the activity which had the number of people joining in remained stably" and "the amount of people joining in table tennis." Additionally, there are several spelling errors ("muscial," "taked," "performaces") and issues with word formation that detract from the overall clarity of the communication. While the errors do not completely impede understanding, they do affect the fluency and precision expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise word choices. Paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct spelling and word formation will also help. Practicing with synonyms and less common vocabulary in context can improve flexibility and sophistication in language use. Additionally, proofreading the essay for spelling and grammatical errors before submission can significantly enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the activity which had the number of people joining in remained stably" and "the amount of people taking part in musical performances increased moderately" contain inaccuracies and awkward constructions. Additionally, errors in verb forms and punctuation are evident, such as "taked part" instead of "took part" and "the activity have the least number of people" instead of "the activity that had the least number of people."

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses effectively to add depth to the writing.
Error Correction: Pay close attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement to reduce grammatical errors. Proofreading for common mistakes can help improve accuracy.
Punctuation: Ensure proper use of commas and other punctuation marks to clarify sentence meaning and improve readability.
Practice: Engage in exercises that focus on complex sentence formation and grammatical accuracy to build confidence and skill in using a broader range of structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line chart provides details about the number of people in one social centre in Melbourne who take part in different activities from 2000 to 2020.

In general, it can be seen that while the film club, table tennis, and musical performances were the activities that tended to increase, the opposite was true for amateur dramatics, which tended to decrease over the 20-year period. Additionally, it is clear that martial arts was the activity that had a stable number of participants throughout this time.

To be more specific, from 2000 to 2010, the number of people participating in the film club decreased slightly to nearly 60 individuals. Meanwhile, the number of participants in martial arts decreased to 32 people in 2005 but increased to 38 people in 2010. After 10 years, while the number of people taking part in the film club witnessed a slight growth to 76 individuals, the number of people engaged in martial arts fluctuated gradually and returned to 36 people by 2020.

Regarding other activities, from 2000 to 2005, amateur dramatics and table tennis exhibited the same increasing trend. At the same time, the social centre introduced a new activity, which was musical performances. In the next five years, while the number of people joining table tennis and musical performances increased, the figure for those participating in amateur dramatics decreased to the same number of people who took part in table tennis. From 2010 to 2020, table tennis witnessed a dramatic increase to 56 individuals engaging in it, while amateur dramatics saw a significant decline to under 10 people participating, becoming the activity with the least number of participants. Additionally, the number of people taking part in musical performances increased moderately, reaching 16 individuals by the end of the period.