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The given line graph shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city centre from 2003-2012

The given line graph shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city centre from 2003-2012

The given line graph illustrates how changes that occur varied across 3 different crime areas, namely burglary, car theft, and robbery, investigated in Newport city center from 2003-2012.

Overall, the burglary and car theft rates exhibited notable trends over 9 year-period, which went down and up respectively. On the other hand, the opposite was true for robbery without outstanding traits all the period long.

Regarding burglary, beginning in the leading position in 2003 (3500 incidents reported), the number of these crimes then went up to nearly 3800 before witnessing a downward trend to less than 2600 cases in 2006. After that, the lowest result was seen in 2012 (just under 1500), but still higher than robbery.

Shifting the focus to car theft, there was no remarkable alteration until a dramatic decrease was shown in 2006 (nearly 2000 incidents). Since 2006, the growth of these criminals was recorded, making it the highest among 3 crime types in 2012 (about 2600), whereas the previous foremost category fell to the second.

Turning to robbery, fairly similar to car theft, insignificant changes appeared in the first 2 years till slightly intensifying to approximately under 1000 in 2005. It experienced its lowest point in 2008 with 500 cases and remained relatively stable compared to the first year 2003 (550 incidents), retaining the final rank over the surveyed time range.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "The given line graph illustrates" -> "The provided line graph illustrates"
    Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat casual and vague in this academic context.

  2. "changes that occur varied" -> "variations in the data"
    Explanation: "Variations in the data" is more specific and academically appropriate than "changes that occur varied," which is awkwardly phrased and unclear.

  3. "went down and up respectively" -> "decreased and increased respectively"
    Explanation: "Decreased and increased" are more precise and formal terms than "went down and up," which is colloquial and vague.

  4. "without outstanding traits all the period long" -> "without significant fluctuations throughout the entire period"
    Explanation: "Without significant fluctuations throughout the entire period" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and awkward "without outstanding traits all the period long."

  5. "the leading position" -> "the highest level"
    Explanation: "The highest level" is more specific and formal than "the leading position," which can be ambiguous in this context.

  6. "witnessing a downward trend" -> "experiencing a decline"
    Explanation: "Experiencing a decline" is more precise and formal than "witnessing a downward trend," which is somewhat informal.

  7. "just under 1500" -> "approximately 1500"
    Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal and precise than "just under," which is informal and imprecise.

  8. "the growth of these criminals" -> "an increase in these crimes"
    Explanation: "An increase in these crimes" is more accurate and formal than "the growth of these criminals," which incorrectly implies an increase in the number of criminals.

  9. "fairly similar to car theft" -> "similar to car theft"
    Explanation: "Similar to car theft" is straightforward and maintains the formal tone, whereas "fairly similar" is somewhat informal and vague.

  10. "sightly intensifying" -> "slightly increasing"
    Explanation: "Slightly increasing" is the correct term, whereas "sightly" is a typo or non-standard usage.

  11. "remained relatively stable" -> "remained stable"
    Explanation: "Remained stable" is more concise and maintains the formal tone, eliminating the unnecessary "relatively."

  12. "compared to the first year 2003" -> "compared to the initial year 2003"
    Explanation: "Initial" is more precise and formal than "first," which is somewhat informal and less specific in this context.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but the details are sometimes irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the number of these crimes then went up to nearly 3800 before witnessing a downward trend to less than 2600 cases in 2006." However, the graph shows that the number of burglaries actually went down from 2004 to 2006.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the number of burglaries decreased from 2004 to 2006, and then increased again from 2006 to 2008. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the number of car thefts and robberies.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. It organizes the data into distinct sections for each type of crime, which helps in understanding the trends. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion that detract from the overall clarity. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, particularly in transitioning between ideas.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. Avoid repetitive phrases and ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs feel natural.
  2. Clarify Paragraph Structure: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the progression of ideas within each paragraph is logical. Consider starting each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states what will be discussed.
  3. Refine Language Use: Aim for more precise language to describe trends and changes. Avoid awkward constructions and strive for clarity in expression to enhance readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "the opposite was true for robbery without outstanding traits all the period long," which detracts from clarity. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "3 different crime areas" instead of "three different areas of crime," which could cause some confusion for the reader. Overall, while the vocabulary used is adequate, it lacks the precision and sophistication required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary, ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions can help improve fluency and flexibility. Paying attention to spelling and grammatical structures will also reduce errors and improve overall clarity. Reading a wider range of texts can expose the writer to more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some errors in grammar and punctuation that do not significantly hinder communication. The writer uses a variety of sentence structures, but there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical inaccuracies that detract from the overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the opposite was true for robbery without outstanding traits all the period long" are unclear and could be better expressed. Additionally, the use of tenses and articles is inconsistent in some places, which affects the overall grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Sentence Structure: Aim to use more complex sentence structures accurately. Practice combining sentences and using subordinate clauses effectively.
  2. Grammar and Punctuation: Review grammar rules, particularly those related to verb tenses and article usage. Proofreading for punctuation errors can also enhance clarity.
  3. Clarity and Precision: Work on expressing ideas more clearly. Avoid vague phrases and ensure that comparisons and trends are articulated in a straightforward manner.
  4. Variety in Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to describe trends and changes, which can help improve the overall impression of grammatical range.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates how changes varied across three different crime areas, namely burglary, car theft, and robbery, investigated in Newport city center from 2003 to 2012.

Overall, the burglary and car theft rates exhibited notable trends over the nine-year period, with burglary decreasing and car theft increasing. In contrast, robbery showed a consistent lack of significant variation throughout the entire period.

Regarding burglary, starting in the leading position in 2003 with 3,500 incidents reported, the number of these crimes then rose to nearly 3,800 before experiencing a downward trend to less than 2,600 cases in 2006. After that, the lowest figure was recorded in 2012 at just under 1,500, although this was still higher than the number of robberies.

Shifting the focus to car theft, there was no remarkable change until a dramatic decrease was noted in 2006, with nearly 2,000 incidents. Since 2006, an increase in these crimes was observed, making it the highest among the three crime types in 2012, with approximately 2,600 incidents, while the previously leading category fell to second place.

Turning to robbery, similar to car theft, insignificant changes were observed in the first two years, followed by a slight increase to just under 1,000 in 2005. It reached its lowest point in 2008 with 500 cases and remained relatively stable compared to the first year, 2003, which recorded 550 incidents, retaining the final rank over the surveyed time period.

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