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The government should sometimes infringe on people’s freedom for the security of society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The government should sometimes infringe on people’s freedom for the security of society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, the more complex society is, the more significant the government is. If the government does not exist, everything will be a disorder without laws and prohibitions. Due to this reason, it is a common belief that people’s freedom should be infringed on by the government in some cases to maintain the security of society. I, personally, completely agree with this idea, as now will be discussed.
Firstly, people have their own freedom but this does not mean that they can do anything they want. Because of the fact that if people are not aware of the actions they do, they can cause hazard problems for the community. Hence, the government plays an important role, which controls freedom under strict supervision to ensure one’s freedom will not affect others. For instance, more cameras have been installed in many public places to supervise the activities of humans. Although this way can make people feel disturbed, the number of illegal activities are eliminated such as burglary, violating traffic laws, …
Another reason is that the government can carry out some research in public areas to investigate the information as well as identification so that they can easily perceive a person whether they are innocent or guilty. This process can take time to perform which can delay their usual travels or work speed. However, these activities will ensure the protection for the citizens and prevent jeopardy in crowding places. According to a recently published survey, many places in the world have to face with terrorism, which is the most dangerous for the safety of society as well as the country. Therefore, politicians need to urgently find out more ways to deal with this problem.
In conclusion, regulations and restrictions can violate human lives but they benefit for the security as well as development of a nation. Thus, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that the government should sometimes infringe on people’s freedom to provide precautions.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "These days, the more complex society is, the more significant the government is." -> "In contemporary society, the greater its complexity, the more pivotal the role of the government becomes."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence eliminates redundancy and enhances formality by using "contemporary society" and expressing the relationship between societal complexity and government significance more succinctly.

  2. "everything will be a disorder without laws and prohibitions." -> "Chaos would ensue in the absence of laws and prohibitions."
    Explanation: Replacing "everything will be a disorder" with "Chaos would ensue" provides a more sophisticated expression of the negative consequences of the absence of laws and prohibitions.

  3. "Due to this reason, it is a common belief that people’s freedom should be infringed on by the government in some cases to maintain the security of society." -> "For this reason, it is widely held that, in certain instances, government intervention is necessary to safeguard societal security by limiting individual freedoms."
    Explanation: The revised sentence avoids redundancy, employs more formal language, and clarifies the relationship between government intervention, individual freedoms, and societal security.

  4. "I, personally, completely agree with this idea, as now will be discussed." -> "I wholeheartedly support this notion, as will be elaborated upon."
    Explanation: Removing "I, personally, completely" streamlines the expression of agreement and introduces a more formal transition to the upcoming discussion.

  5. "Firstly, people have their own freedom but this does not mean that they can do anything they want." -> "To begin with, individuals possess inherent freedoms; however, this does not entail unrestricted actions."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence with "To begin with" adds formality, and rephrasing "people have their own freedom" to "individuals possess inherent freedoms" enhances the academic tone.

  6. "Because of the fact that if people are not aware of the actions they do, they can cause hazard problems for the community." -> "If individuals are unaware of the consequences of their actions, they can pose significant risks to the community."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates redundancy, uses a more precise term ("consequences"), and improves the overall flow and formality of the sentence.

  7. "Hence, the government plays an important role, which controls freedom under strict supervision to ensure one’s freedom will not affect others." -> "Thus, the government assumes a crucial role, exercising strict supervision over freedom to ensure it does not impinge on the rights of others."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language, clarifies the government’s role, and enhances the overall precision of expression.

  8. "For instance, more cameras have been installed in many public places to supervise the activities of humans." -> "For example, surveillance cameras have been strategically deployed in numerous public spaces to monitor human activities."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, replace colloquial terms ("activities of humans") with more precise language, and improve the overall flow of the sentence.

  9. "Although this way can make people feel disturbed, the number of illegal activities are eliminated such as burglary, violating traffic laws, …" -> "While this approach may unsettle individuals, it effectively reduces instances of illegal activities such as burglary and violations of traffic laws."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity, replaces informal language ("this way") with a more formal expression ("this approach"), and maintains a parallel structure for better readability.

  10. "According to a recently published survey, many places in the world have to face with terrorism, which is the most dangerous for the safety of society as well as the country." -> "According to a recent survey, numerous locations worldwide grapple with terrorism, posing the gravest threat to both societal and national safety."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality, improves precision, and streamlines the expression of the survey findings and their implications.

  11. "Therefore, politicians need to urgently find out more ways to deal with this problem." -> "Hence, politicians must promptly explore additional strategies to address this issue."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, eliminate redundancy, and provide a more concise expression of the necessary action for politicians.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "These days, the more complex society is, the more significant the government is. If the government does not exist, everything will be a disorder without laws and prohibitions. Due to this reason, it is a common belief that people’s freedom should be infringed on by the government in some cases to maintain the security of society. I, personally, completely agree with this idea, as now will be discussed."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction establishes the writer’s position on the topic, emphasizing the significance of government in a complex society. However, it lacks clarity in previewing the main points that will be discussed. To enhance the structure, consider briefly summarizing the key reasons supporting the agreement with government infringement on freedom. This would provide a roadmap for the reader, making the essay more coherent.
    • Improved example: "In this essay, I will discuss why I believe that government intervention in certain aspects of personal freedom is essential for societal security. The increasing complexity of society necessitates a structured approach to governance, and I support this stance for several reasons."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, people have their own freedom but this does not mean that they can do anything they want. Because of the fact that if people are not aware of the actions they do, they can cause hazard problems for the community. Hence, the government plays an important role, which controls freedom under strict supervision to ensure one’s freedom will not affect others. For instance, more cameras have been installed in many public places to supervise the activities of humans. Although this way can make people feel disturbed, the number of illegal activities are eliminated such as burglary, violating traffic laws, …"

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph presents a reasonable argument about the necessity of government control to prevent harm to the community. However, the examples provided lack depth and specificity. Instead of a general mention of "illegal activities," consider providing specific instances or cases where government surveillance has proven effective in preventing crime. This would strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "For instance, the widespread installation of surveillance cameras in public places has proven instrumental in deterring and solving criminal activities such as burglaries and violations of traffic laws. These measures, although initially intrusive, contribute significantly to the overall safety and security of the community."
  3. Quoted text: "Another reason is that the government can carry out some research in public areas to investigate the information as well as identification so that they can easily perceive a person whether they are innocent or guilty. This process can take time to perform which can delay their usual travels or work speed. However, these activities will ensure the protection for the citizens and prevent jeopardy in crowding places. According to a recently published survey, many places in the world have to face with terrorism, which is the most dangerous for the safety of society as well as the country. Therefore, politicians need to urgently find out more ways to deal with this problem."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph presents a valid point about government research for citizen protection, but it lacks specific examples and details. Instead of a general reference to a survey, provide concrete instances or scenarios where such research has proven effective. This would add credibility to your argument.
    • Improved example: "In public areas, government research and identification processes are crucial for distinguishing between innocent and guilty individuals. While these procedures may cause delays in travel and work, they serve as vital safeguards for citizens. For instance, cases of terrorism worldwide highlight the urgent need for effective government measures, prompting politicians to explore innovative strategies to address this critical issue."

Overall, while the essay addresses the task and presents relevant ideas, it could benefit from providing more specific examples and details to support the arguments. Enhancing the clarity of the introduction and offering deeper examples will contribute to a more well-rounded and persuasive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. There is an attempt to logically organize information, with a clear progression throughout the essay. The writer makes an effort to use cohesive devices, such as transition words, to connect ideas. However, cohesion within and between sentences is sometimes faulty and could be more refined. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, and there are instances where the flow could be improved.

How to Improve:

  1. Cohesion Enhancement: Focus on refining the use of cohesive devices within and between sentences. Ensure a smooth flow of ideas by using a variety of linking words and maintaining consistency.

  2. Logical Paragraphing: Pay attention to the logical arrangement of paragraphs. Each paragraph should contribute to the overall progression of the essay. Consider the coherence between paragraphs for a more seamless connection of ideas.

  3. Sentence Structure: Vary sentence structures to enhance overall coherence. This includes using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to add depth and fluency to the writing.

  4. Proofreading for Clarity: Review the essay for clarity in expression. Ensure that ideas are presented in a straightforward manner, and eliminate any ambiguity that may affect the coherence of the essay.

By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve a more cohesive and logically structured presentation, leading to an improved band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. It uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively discusses the topic with clear examples and reasoning.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, aim for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Pay attention to word choice and collocation, ensuring accuracy in spelling and word formation. Additionally, strive for a more nuanced use of language to further elevate the overall quality of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with the use of a variety of complex structures. The sentences are generally error-free, contributing to effective communication. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as "hazard problems," which could be improved for better precision. The essay effectively communicates the idea that government intervention is necessary for societal security.

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining word choices to avoid potential ambiguity or imprecise expressions. Additionally, paying attention to the use of articles and prepositions would further improve grammatical accuracy. Overall, maintaining the complexity of sentence structures while refining language choices will contribute to a more polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, the more complex it becomes, the more pivotal the role of the government. Chaos would ensue in the absence of laws and prohibitions. For this reason, it is widely held that, in certain instances, government intervention is necessary to safeguard societal security by limiting individual freedoms. I wholeheartedly support this notion, as will be elaborated upon.

To begin with, individuals possess inherent freedoms; however, this does not entail unrestricted actions. If individuals are unaware of the consequences of their actions, they can pose significant risks to the community. Thus, the government assumes a crucial role, exercising strict supervision over freedom to ensure it does not impinge on the rights of others. For example, surveillance cameras have been strategically deployed in numerous public spaces to monitor human activities. While this approach may unsettle individuals, it effectively reduces instances of illegal activities such as burglary and violations of traffic laws.

According to a recent survey, numerous locations worldwide grapple with terrorism, posing the gravest threat to both societal and national safety. Hence, politicians must promptly explore additional strategies to address this issue.

In conclusion, regulations and restrictions can violate human lives, but they benefit the security and development of a nation. Thus, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that the government should sometimes infringe on people’s freedom to provide precautions.

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