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The government should spend more money on medical research to protect citizens’ health rather than on protecting the environment. Do you agree or disagree?

The government should spend more money on medical research to protect citizens’ health rather than on protecting the environment. Do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary world, with the development of human society, there are arguments that the government should allocate more budget on medical research in place of protecting the environment. From my perspective, I somewhat agree with this point of view, however lowering environmental protection revenue might lead to unpredictable consequences.

On the one hand, the benefits of medical research can’t be denied and are worth paying for. First, this can provide a cheaper, more advanced and modern healthcare system. Indeed, with a higher budget, researchers are able to reduce medical costs of drugs and find out efficient curing methods, leading to a low-cost and better protection for citizens. Moreover, millions of lives could be saved due to the discovery of effective treatments for sudden diseases or incurable ones. For example, during the Covid-19 epidemic, countries around the world joined hands to find the vaccine in the fastest way and experienced the sweet fruit a year later, thus they are able to provide the vaccine to every corner of the world.

On the other hand, environmental conversation should not be underestimated, in the same way as its budget. To begin with, higher revenue in preserving nature brings a long-term health impact. As the former, while medical research focuses on current health issues, a healthier and sustainable environment will be maintained with these long-term investments, benefiting future generations. Another point worth mentioning is that if nature is not protected, damages from environmental problems might be unpredictable. For example, climate change leads to severe weather, water pollution entails health issues, and many diseases can appear through lack of natural protection.

In conclusion, while the allocation of more budget towards medical research yields immediate benefits, it is crucial not to undermine the importance of environmental protection. Striking a balance between funding, medical research and nature preservation is essential for ensuring the well-being of future generations and maintaining the environment.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "arguments that the government should allocate more budget on medical research" -> "arguments advocating for increased government funding in medical research"
    Explanation: Replacing "allocate more budget on" with "increased government funding in" provides a more formal and precise expression, adhering to academic style.

  2. "From my perspective, I somewhat agree with this point of view" -> "From my perspective, I partially concur with this standpoint"
    Explanation: Replacing "somewhat agree with" with "partially concur with" enhances the formality of the statement and avoids the casual tone associated with "somewhat agree."

  3. "lowering environmental protection revenue might lead to unpredictable consequences" -> "reducing funding for environmental protection may result in unforeseen consequences"
    Explanation: Substituting "lowering" with "reducing" and "might lead to" with "may result in" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic language norms.

  4. "can’t be denied and are worth paying for" -> "cannot be denied and merit financial investment"
    Explanation: Replacing "are worth paying for" with "merit financial investment" maintains formality and introduces a more sophisticated phrase.

  5. "cheaper, more advanced and modern healthcare system" -> "cost-effective, advanced, and modern healthcare system"
    Explanation: The modification ensures a more precise and academic description by replacing "cheaper" with "cost-effective."

  6. "leading to a low-cost and better protection for citizens" -> "resulting in cost-effective and enhanced protection for citizens"
    Explanation: This revision maintains formality and replaces "low-cost" with "cost-effective" for a more academic tone.

  7. "countries around the world joined hands" -> "nations worldwide collaborated"
    Explanation: Substituting "countries around the world joined hands" with "nations worldwide collaborated" adds a formal touch to the expression.

  8. "thus they are able to provide the vaccine to every corner of the world" -> "thus enabling global distribution of the vaccine"
    Explanation: Replacing "provide" with "enabling global distribution" enhances clarity and formalizes the expression.

  9. "environmental conversation should not be underestimated" -> "environmental conservation should not be underestimated"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo by replacing "conversation" with "conservation" maintains accuracy and formality.

  10. "As the former, while medical research focuses on current health issues" -> "Firstly, while medical research addresses immediate health concerns"
    Explanation: The replacement of "As the former" with "Firstly" improves the organizational structure of the sentence in a more academically appropriate manner.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does a commendable job of addressing all parts of the prompt. It discusses both sides of the argument, expressing partial agreement with the idea of allocating more budget to medical research but acknowledging potential consequences. Relevant sections of the essay, such as the acknowledgment of potential consequences in the introduction and the balance mentioned in the conclusion, support this evaluation.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, consider providing a brief outline of the essay in the introduction, clearly indicating that both sides of the argument will be explored. This can enhance the reader’s understanding of the structure from the outset.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, with the writer expressing a somewhat agreeable stance but also recognizing the importance of environmental protection. Specific examples, such as the acknowledgment of the benefits of medical research and the long-term health impact of environmental conservation, illustrate this clarity.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the consistency, ensure that each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that reinforces the writer’s position, preventing any ambiguity. This will contribute to a more cohesive flow and reinforce the essay’s stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. The discussion on the benefits of medical research is well-developed, incorporating points about advanced healthcare systems, cost reduction, and the timely development of solutions during the Covid-19 pandemic. The same depth is applied to the importance of environmental conservation.
    • How to improve: To enhance further, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support key points. This can involve citing specific studies or statistics related to the benefits of medical research or the consequences of environmental neglect. This added detail will enrich the essay’s argumentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s central themes of government spending on medical research versus environmental protection. However, there is a minor deviation when discussing the global effort to develop a Covid-19 vaccine. While relevant, this example slightly digresses from the main focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, ensure that each example or illustration directly relates to the main argument. In this case, tying the discussion of the Covid-19 vaccine back to the government’s spending priorities would make the connection clearer and more relevant.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong response to the prompt, with thoughtful consideration of both sides of the argument. Strengthening structural elements and providing more specific examples can further enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the essay’s stance, and each paragraph follows a clear structure, presenting arguments both for and against the idea. Transitions between ideas are generally smooth, contributing to a cohesive flow.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider explicitly stating the essay’s main points in the introduction. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and reinforce the logical progression of ideas by connecting them more explicitly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the third paragraph is lengthy and could be more effectively broken down to improve readability and emphasize key points.
    • How to improve: Divide the third paragraph into two or more paragraphs to create a more digestible structure. Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single point or idea, enhancing clarity and making the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases and pronouns, to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of devices used. The essay relies on certain phrases repetitively, impacting the variety of language.
    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transition words and synonyms. This will not only add variety but also contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas. Additionally, ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent throughout the essay for a smoother flow.

Overall, the essay effectively demonstrates coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on explicitly stating main points, refining paragraph structures for better readability, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to enhance overall fluency.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating varied terms such as "contemporary world," "allocate," "preserving nature," "sustainable environment," and "long-term investments." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases, like "sweet fruit" and "former," might be considered less precise or common in an academic context.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider replacing colloquial expressions like "sweet fruit" with more formal language. Additionally, ensure that the terminology used aligns closely with the academic tone of an IELTS essay. This can be achieved by opting for synonyms or more specific terms where appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. For instance, the terms "environmental conversation" and "long-term health impact" convey the intended meaning clearly. However, the phrase "former" could be clarified to enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Instead of using the term "former," specify whether you are referring to medical research or environmental conservation. This will eliminate any ambiguity and contribute to a more precise and clear expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling in the essay is accurate. However, there is a minor error in the phrase "environmental conversation," where the intended term is likely "conservation." Also, in the sentence "As the former," it seems there might be a contextual error, and a more specific term is needed.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the spelling of terms, especially those critical to conveying the intended meaning. In this case, replacing "conversation" with "conservation" and providing a clearer term in place of "former" will enhance spelling accuracy and coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid lexical resource, refining the precision of vocabulary choices and ensuring spelling accuracy in key terms will contribute to a more polished and effective expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, and the writer attempts to use varied sentence beginnings. For instance, in the introduction, a complex sentence is employed: "In the contemporary world, with the development of human society, there are arguments that…" Additionally, the use of conditional sentences in the body paragraphs, such as "if nature is not protected, damages from environmental problems might be unpredictable," adds variety.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s sentence structure, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures for depth and clarity. Introduce a variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to enhance the overall sophistication of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues occur, such as in "the benefits of medical research can’t be denied." There are also minor punctuation errors, such as the missing comma in "On the one hand the benefits of medical research can’t be denied."
    • How to improve: To address grammatical issues, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. For instance, the sentence could be revised to "the benefits of medical research cannot be denied." Additionally, proofread the essay for punctuation errors, ensuring proper comma usage for clarity. Consider seeking feedback or utilizing grammar-check tools to catch such errors during the revision process.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, but refinement in sentence structure and attention to specific grammatical details can contribute to a more polished and sophisticated presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s ever-evolving world, there is an ongoing debate about whether the government should prioritize allocating funds to medical research instead of environmental protection. From my viewpoint, I partly agree with this perspective; nonetheless, diminishing financial support for environmental safeguards may lead to unforeseen repercussions.

On one hand, the undeniable merits of investing in medical research justify the expenditure. Initially, this can foster a cost-effective, advanced, and modern healthcare system. Indeed, with increased funding, researchers can lower the costs of medical treatments, discovering more efficient methods that result in affordable and enhanced protection for citizens. Furthermore, such investments have the potential to save countless lives by uncovering effective treatments for sudden or incurable diseases. As seen during the Covid-19 pandemic, nations worldwide collaborated to swiftly develop a vaccine, enabling its global distribution within a year.

On the other hand, the significance of environmental conservation should not be underestimated, paralleling its budgetary importance. Firstly, allocating higher resources to preserving nature yields long-term health benefits. While medical research primarily addresses immediate health concerns, sustained investments in a healthier and sustainable environment ensure well-being for future generations. Additionally, neglecting nature protection could lead to unpredictable damages from environmental problems. For instance, climate change results in severe weather, water pollution poses health risks, and the lack of natural protection can give rise to various diseases.

In conclusion, while directing more budget towards medical research brings immediate advantages, it is imperative not to undervalue the importance of environmental protection. Striking a balance between funding for medical research and nature preservation is essential to guarantee the well-being of future generations and to maintain a healthy environment.

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