The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates in New Zealand between 1901 and 2101.

The line graph demonstrates the changing in birth and death rates in New Zealand during the period 1901 to 2101.
It is obviously apparent that the birth rates has risen significantly, except for 2041 onwards tend to decrease. The death rates has gone up considerably.
From 1901 to 1921 there was a rapid decline to approximately 25. In 1961, the birth rates reached a peak at 65. After got a plummet at nearly 50 in 1981, the proportion of birth has climbed up significantly to 45 in 2101.
In 1921, the death rates grew gradually to almost 15. From 1921 to 2001, there was a slight increase of death rates about 10. The number of death rates has risen and hit the highest point at 60 from 2001 to 2101.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"changing in birth and death rates" -> "fluctuations in birth and death rates"
Explanation: "Changing" is vague and doesn’t convey the dynamic nature of the data as effectively as "fluctuations," which implies variations over time.
"It is obviously apparent" -> "It is evident"
Explanation: "Obviously apparent" is redundant; "evident" succinctly conveys the clarity of the observation without the unnecessary emphasis.
"birth rates has risen" -> "birth rates have risen"
Explanation: "Rates" is a plural noun, so it should be paired with the plural form of the verb "have" instead of "has."
"except for 2041 onwards tend to decrease" -> "except for a subsequent decline starting from 2041"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. The suggested alternative provides a clearer description of the trend.
"After got a plummet" -> "After experiencing a plummet"
Explanation: "After got" is grammatically incorrect; "experiencing" is a more precise and grammatically correct alternative.
"In 1961, the birth rates reached a peak at 65" -> "In 1961, the birth rate peaked at 65"
Explanation: Using "peaked" instead of "reached a peak" improves conciseness and clarity.
"the proportion of birth has climbed up significantly" -> "the birth rate has climbed significantly"
Explanation: "Proportion of birth" is awkward and imprecise; "birth rate" is the correct term to describe the frequency of births over time.
"the death rates grew gradually" -> "the death rate gradually increased"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase improves clarity and readability.
"there was a slight increase of death rates about 10" -> "there was a slight increase in death rates by approximately 10"
Explanation: Clarifies the magnitude of the increase and provides a smoother expression of the idea.
"The number of death rates has risen" -> "The death rate has risen"
Explanation: "Death rates" is redundant when referring to a singular concept like "number." "Death rate" is the appropriate term.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

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Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the birth and death rates in New Zealand between 1901 and 2101. However, there are several issues with clarity, relevance, and accuracy. Some key points are mentioned, such as the rise and fall of birth rates and the steady increase in death rates, but the presentation lacks coherence and detail.
How to improve: Provide a clearer and more organized overview of the data, ensuring that all key features and trends are accurately presented. Focus on presenting information in a more structured and cohesive manner, avoiding irrelevant details and inaccuracies.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation:
The essay presents information about the birth and death rates in New Zealand from 1901 to 2101. However, the organization of ideas lacks coherence and there is no clear progression in the response. The essay jumps between different time periods without establishing a logical flow. For instance, it discusses birth rates from 1901 to 2101 and death rates from 1921 to 2101 without clear transitions or connections between the two sets of data. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, leading to a lack of clarity in the presentation of ideas. Paragraphing is inconsistent, with some paragraphs lacking clear topic sentences or logical structure.

How to improve:

Organize the essay chronologically to provide a clear progression of events.
Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas and provide coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
Avoid repetitive language and strive for clarity and conciseness in expression.
Ensure accurate and appropriate use of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, primarily focusing on describing the trends in birth and death rates. However, the vocabulary used is repetitive and lacks sophistication. There is a limited variety in lexical choices, and some terms are used inappropriately or inaccurately ("changing in birth and death rates" instead of "changes in birth and death rates", "rapid decline to approximately 25" instead of "rapid decline to approximately 25 births per thousand people", "plummet at nearly 50" instead of "decline to nearly 50 births per thousand people", "hit the highest point at 60" instead of "peaked at 60 deaths per thousand people"). Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling (e.g., "birth rates has", "changes in the birth and death rates", "tend to decrease" instead of "tended to decrease", "The number of death rates"). These errors, though, do not severely impede understanding.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the essay should incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and varied terms to describe the trends. It should avoid repetitive language and strive for accuracy in word choice and formation. Additionally, attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy would enhance clarity and effectiveness in conveying the message.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at a variety of sentence structures and uses some complex sentences. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors throughout the essay, including issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect verb tense usage, and missing articles. While there is an attempt to use complex sentences, they tend to be less accurate than simpler sentences, contributing to comprehension difficulties for the reader. Punctuation is also inconsistent, which affects the overall clarity of the writing.

How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper article usage. Work on constructing more complex sentences accurately, ensuring that they contribute to the clarity and coherence of the essay. Additionally, practice using punctuation correctly to enhance readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates fluctuations in birth and death rates in New Zealand spanning the years 1901 to 2101.

It is evident that birth rates experienced a significant rise overall, although there was a noticeable decline after 2041. Conversely, death rates witnessed a considerable increase over the entire period.

Between 1901 and 1921, there was a rapid decline in birth rates to approximately 25. Subsequently, in 1961, birth rates peaked at 65, followed by a sharp drop to nearly 50 in 1981. However, birth rates rebounded significantly, reaching 45 in 2101.

Regarding death rates, they gradually increased to almost 15 in 1921. From 1921 to 2001, there was a slight uptick to around 25. Subsequently, death rates surged, peaking at 60 between 2001 and 2101.