The graph below gives information about the number of 3 types of species (millions). Summarise the information by selecting and reoporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information about the number of 3 types of species (millions).
Summarise the information by selecting and reoporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph illustrates how the species of 3 different kinds of animals (bears, dolphins, whales) have changed from 2017 to 2022. Units are measured in millions.
It is clear that there were remarkable changes in the population of 3 types of species. While the amount of dolphins saw a decline in the 6-year period, the species of bears rose considerably.
In 2017, bears were the lowest species, with only 10 millions, while the number of dolphins was the highest in the chart given, with 150 millions. However, in 2019, a decrease can be seen in the number of dolphins, from about 150 millions to just below 40 millions, whereas the species of bears increased by around 90 millions. Over the following 4 years, the population of bears had reached just above 180 millions, but the amount of dolphins had dropped to 0 millions.
At the beginning of the chart, the number of whales was exactly 80 millions. In 2019, it had the same quantity as the species of bears, with exactly 20 millions increase. After 4 years, the figure for whales fell to around 30 millions, with approximately 70 millions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The graph illustrates how the species of 3 different kinds of animals" -> "The graph depicts the populations of three distinct species of animals"
   Explanation: "Depicts" is more precise and formal than "illustrates," and "distinct species of animals" is more specific and academically appropriate than "different kinds of animals."

2. "have changed from 2017 to 2022" -> "have evolved from 2017 to 2022"
   Explanation: "Evolved" is a more precise term in the context of population dynamics, suggesting a gradual change over time, which is more suitable for an academic discussion.

3. "remarkable changes" -> "significant fluctuations"
   Explanation: "Significant fluctuations" is a more precise and formal term that accurately describes changes in population numbers, avoiding the emotional connotation of "remarkable."

4. "the amount of dolphins saw a decline" -> "the dolphin population decreased"
   Explanation: "The dolphin population decreased" is more direct and avoids the awkward construction "the amount of dolphins saw a decline."

5. "rose considerably" -> "increased substantially"
   Explanation: "Increased substantially" is a more formal and precise term than "rose considerably," which is somewhat colloquial.

6. "the lowest species" -> "the lowest population"
   Explanation: "The lowest population" is grammatically correct and clearer than "the lowest species," which is ambiguous and incorrect in this context.

7. "the number of dolphins was the highest in the chart given" -> "the dolphin population was the highest in the given data"
   Explanation: "The dolphin population was the highest in the given data" is more precise and formal, specifying the type of data being referred to.

8. "a decrease can be seen" -> "a decline is evident"
   Explanation: "A decline is evident" is more formal and direct, fitting better in an academic context than "a decrease can be seen."

9. "the species of bears increased by around 90 millions" -> "the bear population increased by approximately 90 million"
   Explanation: "The bear population increased by approximately 90 million" corrects the numerical error and uses "approximately" for a more formal tone.

10. "the amount of dolphins had dropped to 0 millions" -> "the dolphin population had decreased to zero"
    Explanation: "The dolphin population had decreased to zero" corrects the numerical error and uses "decreased" for a more formal tone.

11. "the number of whales was exactly 80 millions" -> "the whale population was precisely 80 million"
    Explanation: "Precisely" is more formal than "exactly," and "million" should be singular to match the singular noun "population."

12. "it had the same quantity as the species of bears" -> "it had the same number as the bear population"
    Explanation: "The same number as the bear population" is more specific and avoids the awkward construction "the same quantity as the species of bears."

13. "with approximately 70 millions" -> "with approximately 70 million"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural to singular to match the singular noun "millions."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the graph. It identifies the main trends and makes comparisons between the three species. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and bullet points. For example, the essay states that the number of dolphins decreased from 150 million to just below 40 million in 2019, but it does not provide any further details about the rate of decline or the reasons for this decrease.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed information about the key features and bullet points. For example, the essay could provide specific figures for the rate of change in the population of each species. The essay could also provide more analysis of the reasons for the trends observed in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. The information is logically sequenced, and the main features of the graph are summarised. However, there are some issues with cohesion and paragraphing. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, the phrase "In 2017, bears were the lowest species" could be more clearly connected to the preceding sentence. Additionally, the essay uses paragraphing, but it is not always logical. The transition between the discussion of bears and dolphins and the introduction of whales is abrupt and could be better managed.

How to improve:

1. Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example, instead of "In 2017, bears were the lowest species," you could say, "In 2017, the population of bears was the lowest among the three species."
2. Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between paragraphs are logical and smooth. For instance, you could introduce the paragraph about whales with a sentence that links it to the previous discussion, such as, "In addition to the changes in bear and dolphin populations, the number of whales also experienced significant fluctuations."
3. Clarify Referencing: Make sure that referencing is clear and appropriate. Avoid mechanical repetition of phrases like "the species of bears" and instead use pronouns or synonyms where appropriate to maintain clarity and variety.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of the main features of the graph. However, the use of less common vocabulary is limited, and there are several inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "amount of dolphins" instead of "number of dolphins," and "species of bears" instead of "population of bears." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "0 millions" instead of "0 million" and "exactly 20 millions increase" instead of "exactly a 20 million increase." These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are accurate and appropriate for the context. Additionally, focusing on correct collocations and avoiding repetitive phrases will improve the overall quality. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can also help eliminate minor errors that may distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the amount of dolphins saw a decline" and "the species of bears rose considerably" show awkward construction. Additionally, there are inaccuracies in the use of plural forms (e.g., "3 types of species" should be "3 types of species" or "3 species"). Overall, the errors detract from the clarity and coherence of the communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Practicing the correct use of plural forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also help. Furthermore, proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors can improve clarity. Engaging with more advanced grammatical concepts and structures will aid in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates how the populations of three different types of animals (bears, dolphins, and whales) have changed from 2017 to 2022, with units measured in millions.

It is clear that there were significant changes in the populations of these species. While the number of dolphins experienced a decline over the six-year period, the population of bears rose considerably.

In 2017, bears had the lowest population, with only 10 million, while the number of dolphins was the highest in the chart, at 150 million. However, by 2019, a decrease in the dolphin population was evident, dropping from about 150 million to just below 40 million, whereas the population of bears increased by around 90 million. Over the following four years, the population of bears reached just above 180 million, while the number of dolphins fell to 0 million.

At the beginning of the chart, the number of whales was exactly 80 million. In 2019, it had the same population as bears, with an increase of exactly 20 million. After four years, the figure for whales fell to around 30 million, resulting in a total of approximately 70 million.