the graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children

The bar chart compares Australian kids in terms of the interest of leisure activities.
Overall, it is evident that boys and girls who age 5-14 years old mostly watch TV and videos. By contrast, they spend less time for skateboarding or rollerblading; art and craft.
It is easy to notice that because of the attraction of technologies, there was an upward trend in the percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos. Especially, it has the balance of this figure, both boys and girls are 100%. The opposite is true for skateboarding or rollerblading, with a quarter and nearly 40% for boys and girls from 5-15 respectively, and art and craft are too, it fluctuates between 20 and 60%.
Besides that, electronic or computer games are quite popular in Australia, so about 81% boys choose it for entertainment activities whereas the number for girls are 60%. Furthermore, kids are also a huge fan of sports, such as bike riding, at under 80% and roughly 60%, for each

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"in terms of the interest of leisure activities" -> "regarding the interest in leisure activities"
Explanation: "In terms of" is a vague phrase that can be replaced with "regarding," which is more precise. Additionally, "the interest of" should be changed to "the interest in" to correctly convey the relationship between children and their leisure activities.
"who age 5-14 years old" -> "aged 5 to 14 years"
Explanation: The phrase "who age" is grammatically incorrect. "Aged" is the appropriate term to describe the age group, and "5 to 14 years" is a clearer and more formal way to express the age range.
"spend less time for skateboarding or rollerblading; art and craft." -> "spend less time on skateboarding, rollerblading, and arts and crafts."
Explanation: "Spend less time for" should be changed to "spend less time on" to correctly indicate the activities. Additionally, "art and craft" is more commonly referred to as "arts and crafts," which is the standard term for such activities.
"the attraction of technologies" -> "the appeal of technology"
Explanation: "Attraction of technologies" is somewhat awkward and vague. "Appeal of technology" is more concise and accurately reflects the interest that children have in technological devices.
"there was an upward trend in the percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos" -> "there was an upward trend in the proportion of children who enjoy watching television and videos"
Explanation: "Percentage" is more accurately described as "proportion" in this context. Additionally, "television" is a more formal term than "TV," aligning better with academic language.
"it has the balance of this figure, both boys and girls are 100%" -> "this figure indicates that both boys and girls reach 100%"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkward. The revised version clearly states what the figure represents, improving clarity and formal tone.
"the opposite is true for skateboarding or rollerblading" -> "Conversely, the opposite trend is observed for skateboarding and rollerblading"
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transition that indicates contrast. Additionally, "the opposite trend is observed" is clearer and more precise than "the opposite is true."
"with a quarter and nearly 40% for boys and girls from 5-15 respectively" -> "with approximately 25% for boys and nearly 40% for girls aged 5 to 14, respectively"
Explanation: "A quarter" can be expressed more precisely as "approximately 25%." The phrase "from 5-15" should be corrected to "aged 5 to 14" for clarity and accuracy.
"art and craft are too, it fluctuates between 20 and 60%" -> "arts and crafts also fluctuate between 20% and 60%"
Explanation: "Art and craft" should be corrected to "arts and crafts," and "are too" is informal. The revised phrase maintains a formal tone and improves clarity.
"so about 81% boys choose it for entertainment activities whereas the number for girls are 60%" -> "approximately 81% of boys choose them for entertainment activities, whereas the figure for girls is 60%"
Explanation: "So" is too informal for academic writing. "About" can be replaced with "approximately" for precision. Additionally, "the number for girls are" should be corrected to "the figure for girls is" for grammatical accuracy.
"kids are also a huge fan of sports" -> "children also demonstrate a strong interest in sports"
Explanation: "Kids" is informal; "children" is more appropriate in academic writing. "A huge fan of" is vague and informal, while "demonstrate a strong interest in" is more precise and formal.
"such as bike riding, at under 80% and roughly 60%, for each" -> "such as bike riding, with participation rates of under 80% for boys and approximately 60% for girls"
Explanation: The original phrasing is unclear. The revised version specifies "participation rates" and clarifies the percentages for boys and girls, enhancing clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that "there was an upward trend in the percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos." The data does not show an upward trend, but rather a high percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information about the data. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos is high, rather than stating that there was an upward trend. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, the essay could state that "nearly 40% of girls from 5-15 enjoy skateboarding or rollerblading," rather than stating that "nearly 40% for girls from 5-15 respectively."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the leisure activities of boys and girls, the structure is somewhat disjointed, and the flow of ideas is not always clear. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and inaccuracies in referencing. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, leading to confusion in the reader’s understanding of the main points.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing the information into well-defined paragraphs, each with a central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively will help in linking ideas and creating a smoother flow. Additionally, ensuring that comparisons are clearly articulated and avoiding repetition will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the bar chart, the vocabulary used is basic and occasionally repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the interest of leisure activities" instead of "interest in leisure activities," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with grammatical structures and clarity, such as "the balance of this figure, both boys and girls are 100%," which lacks coherence. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, it does not effectively utilize a wider range of vocabulary or demonstrate the precision expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a broader range of vocabulary that includes less common lexical items relevant to the topic. They should also aim for greater accuracy in word choice and collocation to avoid awkward phrases. Additionally, improving grammatical accuracy and sentence structure will help convey ideas more clearly and effectively. Engaging with more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "who age 5-14 years old" should be "aged 5-14 years" and "the balance of this figure, both boys and girls are 100%" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. While the writer attempts to convey information, the inaccuracies in grammar and sentence structure hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with appropriate subordinate clauses. Additionally, careful proofreading to reduce grammatical errors and improve punctuation would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of varied vocabulary and ensuring that sentences are logically connected can also contribute to a more coherent and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart compares Australian children in terms of their preferred leisure activities. Overall, it is evident that boys and girls aged 5 to 14 years old primarily watch TV and videos. In contrast, they spend less time skateboarding or rollerblading, as well as engaging in art and craft activities.

It is noticeable that due to the appeal of technology, there has been an upward trend in the percentage of children who enjoy watching TV and videos. Notably, this figure reaches 100% for both boys and girls. Conversely, the popularity of skateboarding or rollerblading is lower, with approximately 25% of boys and nearly 40% of girls participating in these activities. Similarly, engagement in art and craft fluctuates between 20% and 60%.

Additionally, electronic or computer games are quite popular in Australia, with about 81% of boys choosing them for entertainment, while the figure for girls is around 60%. Furthermore, children also show a strong interest in sports, such as bike riding, with participation rates of just under 80% for boys and roughly 60% for girls.