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The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased particular bakery for the year 2014.

The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased particular bakery for the year 2014.

The line graph illustrates information about the sales of three different products, namely: bread, buns, and pies in the bakery for the duration of 12 months, starting from January 2014 to December 2014. It is clear that the expenditure on pies and bread increased while it decreased on buns. In terms of pie sales, the expense began with the lowest value, which was $10,000 in January, and slightly increased to $40,000 in December. In the bread sales group, it was very complex and began with $80,000, then fell to $40,000 in June; after that, it climbed to around $82,000 in December. Conversely, bun sales began at $40,000 in January and witnessed a gradual increase in the next four months. After that, it significantly declined in December, which was $30,000.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is clear that the expenditure on pies and bread increased while it decreased on buns." -> "It is evident that the expenditures on pies and bread increased, whereas they decreased for buns."
    Explanation: Replacing "expenditure" with "expenditures" for pies and bread enhances precision. Additionally, using "whereas" instead of "while" contributes to a more formal and refined tone.

  2. "In terms of pie sales, the expense began with the lowest value, which was $10,000 in January, and slightly increased to $40,000 in December." -> "Regarding pie sales, the cost commenced at the lowest point, amounting to $10,000 in January, and gradually escalated to $40,000 in December."
    Explanation: Substituting "expense" with "cost" improves the accuracy of describing the financial aspect. The term "commenced" is a more formal alternative to "began," and "escalated" adds a nuanced and sophisticated touch to the description of the increase.

  3. "In the bread sales group, it was very complex and began with $80,000, then fell to $40,000 in June; after that, it climbed to around $82,000 in December." -> "Within the category of bread sales, the pattern was intricate, starting at $80,000, subsequently dropping to $40,000 in June, and ultimately ascending to approximately $82,000 in December."
    Explanation: Replacing "complex" with "intricate" maintains clarity while using a more precise term. "Commencing" is a formal alternative to "began," and "ascending" provides a more refined expression for the increase in sales.

  4. "Conversely, bun sales began at $40,000 in January and witnessed a gradual increase in the next four months." -> "Contrastingly, bun sales commenced at $40,000 in January and experienced a gradual upswing over the following four months."
    Explanation: The term "contrastingly" is a more sophisticated alternative to "conversely," and "experienced a gradual upswing" is a more precise and elaborate way to describe the increase in bun sales.

  5. "After that, it significantly declined in December, which was $30,000." -> "Subsequently, there was a substantial decline in December, amounting to $30,000."
    Explanation: Replacing "it significantly declined" with "there was a substantial decline" offers a more formal and explicit description of the decrease in bun sales.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0 – UNDER WORD

Explanation:
The essay presents an overview of the sales of three bakery products over the course of a year. It covers the key features, including the increase in pie and bread sales and the decrease in bun sales. However, the information is presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, and the details lack cohesion. The essay lacks depth in analyzing the trends, and the transitions between the products’ sales data are not seamless.

How to improve:
To improve the Task Achievement score, the essay should provide a more coherent and organized overview of the sales trends. Each product’s sales data should be logically connected to create a smoother flow. Additionally, more attention should be given to analyzing the trends rather than just presenting the data. Expand on the reasons behind the changes in sales and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the overall patterns observed in the graph. Lastly, ensure the essay meets the word count requirements for a more thorough evaluation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction succinctly introduces the main products and the time frame. The body paragraphs are well-structured, each focusing on one product, and present a chronological progression of sales data. The use of transitional phrases, such as "In terms of," and the clear temporal markers contribute to the overall coherence. There is a range of cohesive devices employed appropriately, like "while," "conversely," and "after that," aiding in the smooth flow of ideas. Each paragraph maintains a central topic related to the sales of the respective bakery items. Overall, the essay is coherent and cohesive, meeting the criteria for Band 7.

How to improve: To enhance coherence further, consider refining the language used to express the relationships between different sales figures. Additionally, ensure consistent use of articles (e.g., "the" before "bread sales group") for improved grammatical accuracy. Pay attention to sentence structures to eliminate any potential ambiguity and maintain a high level of clarity in conveying ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonably good range of vocabulary related to describing the sales trends in a bakery. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary beyond basic terms, such as ‘expenditure,’ ‘witnessed,’ ‘gradual increase,’ ‘significantly declined,’ and ‘duration.’ Additionally, the essay appropriately uses specific terms like ‘bread sales group’ and ‘pie sales’ to convey the specific categories. The candidate showcases some awareness of style and collocation by employing phrases like ‘it is clear that,’ ‘started with the lowest value,’ and ‘witnessed a gradual increase.’

However, while the essay generally conveys the necessary information, it could benefit from more diversity and sophistication in lexical choices. There is room to include more precise and varied vocabulary that might better describe the sales trends, such as ‘fluctuations,’ ‘trends,’ ‘plummeted,’ ‘peaked,’ or ‘flourished.’ The language used, though adequate, lacks the fluency and sophistication expected at higher band levels. Some sentences also exhibit repetition in structure and vocabulary, which could be improved for greater lexical variety.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, focus on diversifying vocabulary choices by incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms related to sales trends. Use synonyms or alternative phrases to express similar ideas, avoiding repetitive language. Additionally, aim for greater fluency in the usage of less common lexical items, enhancing the overall sophistication and precision of the essay’s vocabulary. Continued practice with a variety of vocabulary will lead to more advanced and natural control of lexical features.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammar and a good range of structures. There’s consistent use of complex sentence forms with relative ease, allowing for varied expression. The essay showcases the ability to construct sentences with a mix of structures, contributing to coherence and conveying information effectively. Errors are infrequent and do not impede overall understanding. However, some minor issues with punctuation and occasional inaccuracies prevent it from reaching Band 8.

How to improve:
To enhance the score to a Band 8, focus on refining punctuation for greater precision. Review the accuracy of complex structures to minimize any occasional errors. Aim for a touch more flexibility and accuracy in using a wider variety of sentence forms while maintaining the clarity and coherence already present in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph offers insights into the sales of three distinct bakery products—bread, buns, and pies—over the course of the year 2014, spanning from January to December. Overall, there were noticeable fluctuations in the expenditures, with pies and bread experiencing an upward trend, while buns saw a decline.

In terms of pie sales, the expenditure initiated at a modest $10,000 in January, gradually escalating to $40,000 by December. Moving to the bread sales category, the pattern was intricate. Commencing at $80,000, the sales dropped to $40,000 in June, only to rebound and reach approximately $82,000 by December.

Conversely, bun sales commenced at $40,000 in January, marking a gradual increase in the subsequent four months. However, this positive trend was short-lived as sales substantially plummeted to $30,000 by December.

In summary, the data underscores the contrasting sales trajectories of bread, buns, and pies throughout the year 2014. The intricate dynamics of bread sales, the consistent rise of pie sales, and the decline in bun sales present a comprehensive picture of the bakery’s product-specific financial performance over the twelve-month period.

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