The graph below gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period time from 2000 to 2020

The line chart details how many participants for five activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia between 2000 and 2020.
From an overall perspective, the figure for all activities generally increased, except for amateur dramatics and martial arts. Another noteworthy observation is that the film club topped the chart consistently during the entire period.
At the start period, in first place was the film club, at around 64, which was 26 higher than the figure for martial arts. This was followed by the amateur dramatics, with 27 participants, while the figure for table tennis was considerably lower, at 17. Bottom of the list was the musical performances, with 0 participants joining in this social centre.

Thereafter, the participants number of the film club witnessed a slight decline to 60 in 2010 but later the data finished at 65. Meanwhile, the figure for martial arts fluctuated with an upward trend ranging from 47 to 49 in the first ten years before dropping slightly to 45 in 2020. Next, a negligible rise to 39 experienced in the number of participants for amateur dramatics in 2005 after which it decreased to 7 at the end. Regarding the table tennis number, it was chosen by 20 participants in 2010, whose figure rose slightly, before jumping to over 52 in 2020. Finally, the figure for musical performance steadily increased from 0 to 19 between 2005 and 2020.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart details how many participants for five activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia between 2000 and 2020." -> "The line chart illustrates the number of participants for five activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, between 2000 and 2020."
Explanation: Replacing "details how many participants for" with "illustrates the number of participants for" enhances the formal tone and precision, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"From an overall perspective, the figure for all activities generally increased, except for amateur dramatics and martial arts." -> "From a general perspective, the overall participation in all activities increased, except for amateur dramatics and martial arts."
Explanation: Changing "the figure for all activities generally increased" to "the overall participation in all activities increased" clarifies the meaning and avoids the awkward phrasing of "the figure for." Additionally, "participation" is a more precise term in this context than "figure."
"Another noteworthy observation is that the film club topped the chart consistently during the entire period." -> "Another notable observation is that the film club consistently led the rankings throughout the entire period."
Explanation: Replacing "topped the chart" with "led the rankings" uses more formal academic language, and "notable" is preferred over "noteworthy" for a more academic tone.
"At the start period, in first place was the film club, at around 64, which was 26 higher than the figure for martial arts." -> "Initially, the film club led with approximately 64 participants, surpassing the 38 participants in martial arts by 26."
Explanation: "At the start period" is vague and informal; "Initially" is more precise and formal. Also, specifying the exact difference in participants (38) instead of just saying "26 higher" enhances clarity.
"This was followed by the amateur dramatics, with 27 participants, while the figure for table tennis was considerably lower, at 17." -> "This was followed by amateur dramatics, with 27 participants, and table tennis, which had significantly fewer participants, with 17."
Explanation: Adding "and table tennis" clarifies the sentence structure and avoids the awkward "while the figure for." Also, "significantly fewer" is more precise than "considerably lower."
"Bottom of the list was the musical performances, with 0 participants joining in this social centre." -> "The lowest participation was in musical performances, with 0 participants at this social centre."
Explanation: "Bottom of the list" is informal and vague; "The lowest participation" is more formal and precise. Also, "at this social centre" is more appropriate than "in this social centre."
"the participants number of the film club witnessed a slight decline to 60 in 2010 but later the data finished at 65." -> "The number of participants in the film club decreased slightly to 60 in 2010, before increasing to 65 later."
Explanation: "The participants number" is grammatically incorrect; "The number of participants" is correct. Also, "later the data finished at" is awkward and unclear; "increasing to 65 later" is more natural and clear.
"a negligible rise to 39 experienced in the number of participants for amateur dramatics in 2005 after which it decreased to 7 at the end." -> "a negligible increase to 39 was observed in the number of participants for amateur dramatics in 2005, followed by a decline to 7."
Explanation: "experienced in the number of participants" is awkward and unclear; "observed in the number of participants" is more precise. Also, "at the end" is vague; "followed by a decline to 7" clarifies the sequence of events.
"Regarding the table tennis number, it was chosen by 20 participants in 2010, whose figure rose slightly, before jumping to over 52 in 2020." -> "Regarding table tennis, 20 participants joined in 2010, whose numbers increased slightly before rising to over 52 in 2020."
Explanation: "the table tennis number" is informal and unclear; "table tennis" is more direct and formal. Also, "it was chosen by" is incorrect; "joined" is the correct verb for participation in an activity.
"Finally, the figure for musical performance steadily increased from 0 to 19 between 2005 and 2020." -> "Finally, the number of participants in musical performances steadily increased from 0 to 19 between 2005 and 2020."
Explanation: "the figure for musical performance" is awkward and unclear; "the number of participants in musical performances" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the figure for martial arts fluctuated with an upward trend ranging from 47 to 49 in the first ten years before dropping slightly to 45 in 2020. However, the figure for martial arts actually fluctuated with a downward trend ranging from 47 to 49 in the first ten years before dropping slightly to 45 in 2020.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific comparisons between the different activities. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in the film club was consistently higher than the number of participants in any other activity.

Note: The essay does not provide any explanations or hypotheses. The task only requires writers to report factual information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, and there is a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in the writing. For example, phrases like "thereafter" and "meanwhile" are used, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, the organization within paragraphs could be improved for clarity, particularly in presenting the data more logically.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between sentences and ideas feel more fluid. Additionally, improving the logical flow of information within paragraphs by grouping related ideas together and using topic sentences can help clarify the central topic of each paragraph. Lastly, ensuring that all data points are clearly referenced and avoiding repetitive phrasing will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the participants number" and "the data finished," which detract from clarity. There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "whose figure rose slightly," which may cause minor confusion for the reader. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for communication, the inaccuracies and errors prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary more accurately and appropriately. This includes refining word choices to avoid awkward phrases and ensuring correct collocation. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and word formation will help improve clarity and precision. Engaging with more advanced vocabulary and practicing its application in context can also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is compromised by several errors. For instance, phrases like "the participants number" and "the data finished" are awkward and not standard English usage. Additionally, there are instances of incorrect prepositions and article usage, such as "the figure for all activities generally increased" which could be more clearly expressed. Despite these issues, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points being conveyed.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by reviewing sentence structures and ensuring correct usage of articles and prepositions. Increasing the variety of complex sentences while maintaining accuracy is crucial. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing can help in producing a more polished and coherent essay. Engaging with more complex grammatical structures and ensuring they are used correctly will also contribute to a higher score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart details the number of participants in five activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia, between 2000 and 2020.

From an overall perspective, the figures for all activities generally increased, except for amateur dramatics and martial arts. Another noteworthy observation is that the film club consistently topped the chart throughout the entire period.

At the beginning of the period, the film club held first place with around 64 participants, which was 26 higher than the number for martial arts. This was followed by amateur dramatics, with 27 participants, while the figure for table tennis was considerably lower, at 17. At the bottom of the list were the musical performances, with 0 participants joining this social centre.

Thereafter, the number of participants in the film club witnessed a slight decline to 60 in 2010, but later the figure finished at 65. Meanwhile, the number for martial arts fluctuated with an upward trend, ranging from 47 to 49 in the first ten years before dropping slightly to 45 in 2020. Next, a negligible rise to 39 was experienced in the number of participants for amateur dramatics in 2005, after which it decreased to 7 by the end of the period. Regarding table tennis, it was chosen by 20 participants in 2010, with the figure rising slightly before jumping to over 52 in 2020. Finally, the number for musical performances steadily increased from 0 to 19 between 2005 and 2020.