The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given line graph illustrates the changes in participant rate of five particular activities in a social centre of Melbourne, Australia within a 20-year-period, spanning from 2000.
Overall, the number of people taking part in most surveyed metrics exhibited significant variations, either in upward or downward trend, with the exception of film club and martial arts whose figures remained relatively unchanged. Notably, film club was consistently the most popular activity over the time frame
In detail, albeit experiencing only slight changes, the number of participants in film club consistently exceeded that of its counterparts, at around 65 individuals. A similar pattern was observed in martial arts whose corresponding figure fluctuating within a range of 33 to 38. Meanwhile, both table tennis and musical performances witnessed a prominent growth in the number of attendees, while the former rose moderately from about 16 to 19 in the first ten years prior to a dramatic surge of almost threefold, the latter increased substantially to approximately 17 participants by 2020.
Conversely, this figure of amateur dramatics constantly decreased over time. Despite an initial rise, it then plummeted from under 30 to about 9 attendees.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph illustrates" -> "The provided line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," aligning better with academic style by implying a deliberate act of offering or presenting information.
"particular activities" -> "specific activities"
Explanation: "Specific" is more precise and formal than "particular," which can sometimes imply a general or vague reference.
"social centre" -> "social center"
Explanation: "Center" is the preferred spelling in American English, which is commonly used in academic and professional contexts in Australia.
"exhibited significant variations" -> "displayed significant variations"
Explanation: "Displayed" is more specific and academically appropriate than "exhibited" in this context, as it directly relates to the presentation of data.
"either in upward or downward trend" -> "either upward or downward trends"
Explanation: Using "trends" instead of "trend" corrects the grammatical error and maintains consistency in formality.
"whose figures remained relatively unchanged" -> "whose figures remained relatively constant"
Explanation: "Constant" is a more precise term in academic writing when describing unchanged data over time.
"Notably, film club was consistently the most popular activity" -> "Notably, film club consistently remained the most popular activity"
Explanation: Adding "remained" clarifies that the club’s popularity was sustained over time, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"albeit experiencing only slight changes" -> "despite experiencing only slight changes"
Explanation: "Despite" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "albeit," which can be seen as informal and less precise.
"the number of participants in film club consistently exceeded that of its counterparts" -> "the number of participants in film club consistently exceeded that of its peer activities"
Explanation: "Peer activities" is a more precise and formal term than "its counterparts," which can be vague and less specific.
"fluctuating within a range of 33 to 38" -> "fluctuated between 33 and 38"
Explanation: "Fluctuated" is the correct past tense form, and "between" is more formal than "within a range of."
"a prominent growth" -> "significant growth"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more academically appropriate term than "prominent," which can imply prominence in a broader sense rather than specifically in terms of numbers.
"rose moderately" -> "increased moderately"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more direct and formal verb than "rose," which can be seen as less precise in academic contexts.
"a dramatic surge of almost threefold" -> "a dramatic increase of nearly threefold"
Explanation: "Increase" is more specific and appropriate for describing numerical changes, and "nearly" is more formal than "almost."
"the latter increased substantially to approximately 17 participants" -> "the latter increased substantially to approximately 17 participants"
Explanation: No change needed here, as the sentence is already formal and clear.
"this figure of amateur dramatics" -> "the number of participants in amateur dramatics"
Explanation: "The number of participants" is more precise and formal than "this figure," which is vague and less commonly used in academic writing.
"constantly decreased over time" -> "steadily decreased over time"
Explanation: "Steadily" is a more formal and precise term than "constantly," which can imply a more absolute or extreme decrease.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. It accurately identifies the most popular activity (film club) and highlights the significant growth in table tennis and musical performances. The essay also accurately describes the decline in amateur dramatics.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each activity. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in table tennis increased from 16 to 45, rather than simply saying that it increased "almost threefold." The essay could also provide more comparisons between the different activities. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in film club was consistently higher than the number of participants in any other activity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The main features of the graph are summarized, and comparisons are made between the activities. However, there are instances where cohesion is somewhat mechanical, and the use of cohesive devices could be improved. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity. For example, the transition between the discussion of film club and martial arts could be smoother, and the final paragraph could more clearly delineate the decline in amateur dramatics as a separate point.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are fluid and logical. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by grouping related ideas together and clearly defining the central topic of each paragraph would strengthen the overall organization. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph flows naturally into the next would help to create a more seamless reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in conveying the main features of the graph. The use of phrases such as "significant variations," "upward or downward trend," and "prominent growth" indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice, such as "participant rate" which could be more accurately expressed as "participation rate," and minor errors in phrasing, such as "whose corresponding figure fluctuating" which should be "whose corresponding figure fluctuated." These issues prevent the essay from achieving a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use more sophisticated vocabulary and ensure precise word choice throughout the essay. Additionally, reducing errors in word formation and improving grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation. Incorporating a wider variety of less common lexical items and ensuring their correct usage would also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "whose figures remained relatively unchanged" and "the former rose moderately from about 16 to 19 in the first ten years prior to a dramatic surge of almost threefold." These errors occasionally hinder the clarity of communication but do not significantly impede understanding. Overall, the grammatical range is adequate, but the accuracy is inconsistent, leading to the assigned score.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be achieved by proofreading for common errors, practicing complex sentence construction, and ensuring that all sentences are clear and error-free. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all clauses are correctly formed would help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the changes in participant rates for five particular activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, over a 20-year period, spanning from 2000 to 2020. Overall, the number of people taking part in most surveyed activities exhibited significant variations, either in an upward or downward trend, with the exception of the film club and martial arts, whose figures remained relatively unchanged. Notably, the film club was consistently the most popular activity throughout the time frame.

In detail, despite experiencing only slight changes, the number of participants in the film club consistently exceeded that of its counterparts, remaining at around 65 individuals. A similar pattern was observed in martial arts, whose corresponding figure fluctuated within a range of 33 to 38 participants. Meanwhile, both table tennis and musical performances witnessed prominent growth in the number of attendees. Table tennis rose moderately from about 16 to 19 in the first ten years, prior to a dramatic surge of almost threefold, while musical performances increased substantially to approximately 17 participants by 2020.

Conversely, the figure for amateur dramatics constantly decreased over time. Despite an initial rise, it then plummeted from under 30 to about 9 attendees.