The graph below shows how people buy music. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below shows how people buy music. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given line graph compares the percentages of individuals purchased music by 3 different methods from 2011 to 2018.
As a general trend, the proportion of total music sales by CDs and Downloads showed a downward trend, whereas a reverse pattern could be seen in the figure for Streams over the surveyed years.
Initially, the rate of music CD sales was the most dominant, reaching approximately 60% in 2011. While the data on the Downloads method was lower, at about 35%, and the Streams one just accounted for under 10%.
However, the figure for CDs purchased has reduced steadily to a bottom of roughly 25% in the last year. The proportion of total music sales by Downloads also had a moderate decrease to 30% in 2018, after increasing to more than 40% in 2014.
In contrast, the percentage of streams, which was lower than others in the first year, presented a significant rise and reached a peak of 40% at the end of the period, higher than the total sales of remaining methods.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The given line graph" -> "The provided line graph"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "given," which can sound slightly informal and less precise. -
"purchased music by 3 different methods" -> "purchased music through three different methods"
Explanation: "Through" is more precise and formal than "by" in this context, and "three" should be numerals for consistency in academic writing. -
"As a general trend" -> "Generally"
Explanation: "Generally" is more concise and academically appropriate than "As a general trend," which is somewhat redundant. -
"the proportion of total music sales by CDs and Downloads showed a downward trend" -> "the proportion of total music sales via CDs and downloads exhibited a downward trend"
Explanation: "Via" is more precise than "by" for indicating the method of sales, and "exhibited" is more formal than "showed." -
"a reverse pattern could be seen in the figure for Streams" -> "a contrasting pattern emerged in the data for streams"
Explanation: "Contrasting" is more specific and formal than "reverse," and "emerged" is more academically appropriate than "could be seen." -
"the rate of music CD sales was the most dominant" -> "music CD sales were the dominant"
Explanation: "Were" is the correct subject-verb agreement for the plural subject "music CD sales." -
"the Streams one" -> "the streams"
Explanation: "The streams" is grammatically correct and avoids the informal and awkward "one." -
"just accounted for under 10%" -> "accounted for less than 10%"
Explanation: "Accounted for less than" is more precise and formal than "just accounted for under," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"the figure for CDs purchased has reduced" -> "the figure for CD sales decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "reduced" in this context, and "sales" is more specific than "purchased." -
"to a bottom of roughly 25%" -> "to approximately 25%"
Explanation: "To approximately" is more formal and precise than "to a bottom of roughly," which is colloquial. -
"the proportion of total music sales by Downloads also had a moderate decrease" -> "the proportion of total music sales via downloads also experienced a moderate decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is more formal and precise than "had a decrease," and "via" is more appropriate than "by" for indicating the method of sales. -
"the percentage of streams, which was lower than others in the first year, presented a significant rise" -> "the percentage of streams, which was initially lower than others, experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and precise than "presented a significant rise," and "initially" is more accurate than "in the first year." -
"higher than the total sales of remaining methods" -> "higher than the total sales of the other methods"
Explanation: "The other methods" is clearer and more formal than "remaining methods," which can be ambiguous.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the graph, highlighting the contrasting patterns of CD sales, downloads, and streams. It accurately describes the initial dominance of CDs, the moderate decrease in downloads, and the significant rise of streams. The essay also presents key features, such as the peak of streams in 2018 and the steady decline of CD sales.
How to improve: The essay could be further improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each method of music purchase. For example, it could mention the exact percentage changes in each year or the rate of decline for CD sales. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more concise and focused introduction, which clearly states the purpose of the essay and the main trends in the graph.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, demonstrating a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs present data in a logical sequence. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where cohesion between sentences is somewhat mechanical, and referencing could be clearer. For example, the transition between discussing CDs and Downloads could be smoother. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it does not always follow a logical structure, as some ideas could be better grouped together.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the flow between sentences and ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively. Ensuring that each paragraph clearly supports a single central topic and logically connects to the next will also strengthen the overall structure. Additionally, refining the use of referencing and substitution can help avoid repetition and clarify relationships between different pieces of information.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "individuals purchased music" instead of "individuals purchasing music" and "the figure for Streams" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "a bottom of roughly 25%" which is awkwardly phrased. These issues do not impede overall communication but do detract from the precision and fluency expected at higher band scores.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise and varied expressions. They should also work on improving collocation and ensuring that word forms are used correctly. Practicing with synonyms and more complex sentence structures can enhance the sophistication of the language used. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in spelling and phrasing would help to refine the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some sentences being error-free. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the percentages of individuals purchased music" should be corrected to "the percentages of individuals purchasing music." Additionally, the use of "a bottom of roughly 25%" is awkward and could be phrased more clearly. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present indicate that the essay meets the criteria for a Band 6.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from the following improvements:
- Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
- Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing, ensuring that the majority of sentences are error-free.
- Improve Clarity: Focus on clarity and coherence in sentence construction, avoiding ambiguous phrases that may confuse the reader.
- Use Punctuation Correctly: Ensure proper punctuation throughout the essay to enhance readability and reduce errors.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given line graph compares the percentages of individuals purchasing music through three different methods from 2011 to 2018.
As a general trend, the proportion of total music sales via CDs and Downloads exhibited a downward trajectory, whereas a contrasting pattern was observed in the figure for Streams over the surveyed years. Initially, the rate of music CD sales was the most dominant, reaching approximately 60% in 2011. In comparison, the data for the Downloads method was lower, at about 35%, while Streams accounted for just under 10%.
However, the figure for CDs purchased steadily decreased to a low of roughly 25% in the final year. The proportion of total music sales through Downloads also experienced a moderate decline, dropping to 30% in 2018 after peaking at over 40% in 2014. In contrast, the percentage of Streams, which was lower than the other methods in the first year, demonstrated a significant increase, reaching a peak of 40% by the end of the period, surpassing the total sales of the remaining methods.
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